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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "ran away with a black man" is racist

255 replies

Slarti · 14/04/2018 06:57

Seen a discussion on a local FB page, one of those "Who remembers parents/grandparents saying X when you were little" and everyone enjoys the nostalgia. Except this one was "Who remembers asking where you mum was and being told 'She's ran away with a black man'? And before anyone says, it isn't racist!"

My first thought was, are you sure?? Why mention racism in the first place if it's so benign? Isn't it a reference to interracial relationships being taboo/shameful/illicit? Anyway, the response on FB is unanimous - "My DM/DF/DGF/DGM used to say it all the time, so of course it isn't racist." My opinion that it might be hasn't gone down too well at all. AIBU?

OP posts:
sandgrown · 14/04/2018 07:03

I took it to mean they ran away with someone on a ship. Many black people ended up in the UK from ships. From trade ships from places like the West Indies.

OccasionalNachos · 14/04/2018 07:05

I took it to mean they ran away with someone on a ship. Many black people ended up in the UK from ships. From trade ships from places like the West Indies.

Still racist though

Midnight0 · 14/04/2018 07:06

YANBU.

FASH84 · 14/04/2018 07:07

I have never heard this before and have no idea of context. A girl I went to school with, her mum had an affair with the actual milk man and left her husband and children for him, literally left a note and disappeared. I remember hearing parent playground chatter (usually around helping dad with school pick ups drop offs etc when it first happened) saying her mum had run off with the milkman, but it was true. Even if someone had run off with a black man not sure what his colour would have to do with it, you wouldn't say she ran off with a white man. The reason the milkman's job was mentioned was because he was the village milk man and everyone knew him as such. If it's being used to reference shame in anyway it is definitely racist.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 14/04/2018 07:08

I'm normally the first to cry racism but I don't think this is.

Zioanna · 14/04/2018 07:08

I’ve never heard it before, but it sounds pretty racist to me.

Cheekyandfreaky · 14/04/2018 07:08

Yes it’s racist.

I always wonder why people who caveat statements by saying things like ‘I’m not a racist/ it’s not racism etc’ continue to say whatever they’re saying- if it could cause offense, does it really need to be said?

Situp · 14/04/2018 07:09

Usually if someone needs to say something isn't racist then they think it probably is. Like when people start with "no offence" and then insult you

Either it is as PP says about slavery or is says the idea of having a relationship with a black person is scandalous. Either way, not good.

Teapiggy · 14/04/2018 07:09

My older family members say this. Even when I was little it sounded wrong.

rainbowduck · 14/04/2018 07:11

My mum says this.

I don't.

Eminybob · 14/04/2018 07:16

My dad used to say this about my mum a lot when I was little.

And sadly yes, he is rasist (although he likes to dress it up as “patriotic”)

Original poster
Slarti · 14/04/2018 07:19

A lot of the replies were things like:

"It's not racist to say black."

and

"You can't even sing ba ba black sheep any more."

So I got the feeling that many people either couldn't or weren't prepared to give it some critical thought, especially if it meant diminishing the nice nostalgia of childhood.

One woman even said "My mum used to say she was so tired she could sleep with a black man, and that's not racist." Hmm

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 14/04/2018 07:21

I'd completely forgotten a family member used to say this. Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 07:24

I’ve never heard of the expression and I’m mid 40’s. Or the expression about being so tired could sleep with a black man. Vile expressions imo.

AlishaMary · 14/04/2018 07:24

It was a milkman in our family. Not sure of his ethnicity.

Petalflowers · 14/04/2018 07:27

I took it to mean that mixed marriages were frowned upon and/or unusual in the past, so people conducting them ran away.

I haven’t heard of the expression and am also in my 40s.

Gran22 · 14/04/2018 07:28

People also get defensive about gollies. Whilst I accept that to us kids fifty plus years ago they seemed benign alternatives to dolls, we've surely learnt over time that they are based on a racist stereotype.

Nzou1050 · 14/04/2018 07:28

I’ve never heard anyone say this in RL - absolutely agree it’s racist.

turnipfarmers · 14/04/2018 07:31

This reply has been deleted

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AllNamesTakenhell · 14/04/2018 07:32

Milkman in our family too.

It wouldnt surprise me being said if it was true, a white woman running away with a black man would have been seen as truly scandalous by some of my elderly relatives back then. And now for one of them actually, she is racist and homophobic and sexist...not too sure she likes the world if im honest.

But throw away comments or as expressions, not good. The sleeping one is even worse imo. Racist.

AllNamesTakenhell · 14/04/2018 07:33

And all my baby groups sung baa baa black sheep, white sheep, brown sheep, blue sheep.

BlueUggs · 14/04/2018 07:34

My dad used to say this. He also used to say "she's disappeared in a puff of smoke", "she went mad so I shot her" and "she's gone to see a man about a dog". I say the last one to my son

I do think it's racist, but I also think the late 70's and early 80's had a different social norm. I had a gollie which I loved immensely. I don't believe it was given to me with any intentional racist message, just ignorance.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 07:39

I wonder when it started. I suspect it was when the GIs appeared- lots of women were strangely fascinated by all those tall, well dressed, rich, polite young men with good personal hygiene, lovely teeth and access to loads of unrationed stuff. ........Grin

Before the war it would have been “ran off with a gypsy” probably.

MoistCantaloupe · 14/04/2018 07:40

I’m surprised people think this isn’t racist. Of course it’s not racist to say black, but it’s using a black man as ‘other’ that will come and run off with your family. It’s racist.

Anditstartsagain · 14/04/2018 07:40

Where I'm from it was said like she ran away with a darkie Shock now no one would dream of saying it people still say ran away with the milk man, we live in what was a shipping city and apparently it wasn't unheard of for girls to try running off with foreign sailors this is where it came from.

Another was if your not good we'll sell you to the gypsies that one's still used.

I think most people don't mean any harm by it they just say these things because they heard it growing up but it needs to be pointed out they are offensive to stop it from being seen as harmless.