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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "ran away with a black man" is racist

255 replies

Slarti · 14/04/2018 06:57

Seen a discussion on a local FB page, one of those "Who remembers parents/grandparents saying X when you were little" and everyone enjoys the nostalgia. Except this one was "Who remembers asking where you mum was and being told 'She's ran away with a black man'? And before anyone says, it isn't racist!"

My first thought was, are you sure?? Why mention racism in the first place if it's so benign? Isn't it a reference to interracial relationships being taboo/shameful/illicit? Anyway, the response on FB is unanimous - "My DM/DF/DGF/DGM used to say it all the time, so of course it isn't racist." My opinion that it might be hasn't gone down too well at all. AIBU?

OP posts:
NoHunsHereHun · 14/04/2018 08:26

Yes, it is racist. Interesting theory from a PP about it stemming from GIs being here. I also remember a friend's parents making threats of "...or a black man will get you." No ambiguity there in the 80's.

Velvetbee · 14/04/2018 08:27

Yes it’s racist.
My grandma used to say it in the 70’s. She lived in Brixton/Stockwell and was definitely racist having lived there decades. She never forgave black people for moving in to ‘her’ bit of London.

Original poster
Slarti · 14/04/2018 08:27

In what way have I been goady derxa?! Confused

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/04/2018 08:29

Of course it is racist, they're making out its scandalous or a bad thing that shes ran off, then specifying that person she ran off with (who they're implying is a bad influence) to be black.

People just aren't willing to accept that their close family members were so openly racist, especially now its something thats very widely frowned upon and even illegal, and that people get very harshly judged (rightly so!) for being racist.

Original poster
Slarti · 14/04/2018 08:29

Surely people who said it weren't meaning it was the worst thing that could have happened more that it was the most unlikely.

In either case it's othering though, isn't it?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 14/04/2018 08:31

Of course it's intentionally racist if used now because we're much more multi cultural and hopefully more aware. I think in those days it stemmed from fear of 'other'. If I wandered too far I was told I'd be stolen by gypsies. I wouldn't use that phrase nowadays either.

Spiggle123 · 14/04/2018 08:31

My DM and her contemporaries used to say this. It alternated between the milkman and a black man though, so as kids we never put a particular spin on either - a black man and the milkman being equally used for the joke response when you asked where Mam was.

As a child I didn't see any racism in it. It felt harmless. I'd never seen a black person anyway so it was out of my experience, and exotic sounding.

To say it today would be racist. The only time I've heard it since I was about 10 is on this thread and once or twice in 'do you remember when' conversations.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 08:31

I think you suggested something could be racist, Slarti.

In other news -gollywogs are racist and nobody ever suggested banning Christmas. Grin

derxa · 14/04/2018 08:32

Look it's a racist phrase which used to be common and isn't now. Why dredge it up? I don't see your purpose?

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2018 08:33

"you wouldn't say she ran off with a white man."

I think you might if you lived in a majority black country.

Original poster
Slarti · 14/04/2018 08:35

derxa I'd just been verbally battered by an angry mob on FB for saying I thought it was racist, so started a thread here asking for opinions. Not sure what you think I've done wrong.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2018 08:35

"If I wandered too far I was told I'd be stolen by gypsies. I wouldn't use that phrase nowadays either."

It was used on a recent thread about MM.
The TV programme Spiral recently had a story about teenage girls being trafficked by Roma.

Skippetydoodah · 14/04/2018 08:36

My parents / grandparents used to say this when I was small (I'm mid forties now). Also had 2 gollies as a child and collected the ones off Robertson's jam. I can also remember my grandad referring to black people as darkies or little black sambos and he was the nicest gentlest man ever. It is amazing (in a good way) how much things have changed in 40 years! Seems unbelievable now.

Dobbythesockelf · 14/04/2018 08:36

My grandad used to say it and my mum to an extent. It's not something I would say but as a child I never saw it meant in a racist way iyswim.
On a lighter note my family didn't use milkman cause my dad was the milkman but my sister's used to tease me about being the milkmans daughter and at 6/7 I didn't understand that I was literally the milkman daughter and I thought they meant he wasn't my dad. To this day they call me the milkman's daughter to wind me up.

Brokenbiscuit · 14/04/2018 08:40

Never heard of this expression. Struggling to see how it can be anything other than racist.

JaceLancs · 14/04/2018 08:40

Ran off with the milkman when I was a child
Also he or she must be the milkman’s - for a child who did not resemble their parents
Why the milkman I wonder? It could just as easily have been the coalman, postman or rag and bone man - who were the only other visitors to our house

XiCi · 14/04/2018 08:41

I'm in my mid 40s and have genuinely never heard this expression before.

ceecee32 · 14/04/2018 08:43

I read your thread earlier before anyone had responded. I didn't answer because the only thought I had was that you were trying to start a shit storm.
I am 60, yes I remember my grandparents saying this, who would have at that stage probably have been the same age. To my memory it was said as something meant to be funny and without malice (on a par with the milkman). Different world then and something not acceptable now.

TheVastMajority · 14/04/2018 08:43

"you wouldn't say she ran off with a white man."

My SIL was told this by her family. She is black, my brother white.

June1966 · 14/04/2018 08:43

Yes, I think it's racist. In the same way, these days we might say "She ran off with a Turkish barman". Both statements are meant to underline the dreadfulness of it all, as if to say "Not only did she run away, but with a black/Turkish man". Otherwise they'd just say "She ran off with another man".

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2018 08:43

XiCi - wasn't used where I live either. The milkman one was more about a child being the milkman than a mother having run off with him.

Catspaws · 14/04/2018 08:46

It clearly is a bit racist! But as ever, people are more worried about being called racist than they are about actually being racist.

runningoutofjuice · 14/04/2018 08:46

Agree with the 'exotic' comment. If I had heard the comment as a child in the 50s I would have thought how thrilling! And imagined a life in a far-away land with jewels and horses. Of course no one should say it now, the only meaning would obviously be negative.

shins · 14/04/2018 08:46

"Ran off with a sailor" we used to say.

Isadora666 · 14/04/2018 08:47

I'm late 30s and remember people saying this in the 80s/90s. Definitely racist.