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Original poster

To not know what to do about DD3 and surrogacy

180 replies

MyMagicStars · 12/04/2018 12:47

My twins are identical, and 19- currently home and about to go back to uni. They've always been incredibly close and inseparable, but they now have blossomed since living apart and gaining independence separately.
However, this morning there's been a huge row while I was out between them, resulting in tears and shouting. When she was six, DT1 had to have her ovaries removed, meaning she can't conceive while DT2 can. When they were teenagers and we were explaining this, DT2 jumped at the chance of carrying for her twin, and obviously, we spoke about how it might change and she would have to really think.
With the talk of babies currently at home, DT1 has spoken to her sister again and is asking a lot of questions about when she would be comfortable, etc, and DT2 is getting more uncomfortable, and has snapped that she doesn't think it'll work. DT1 is more maternal, and has always wanted children while DT2 is less intense about it. DT1 is absolutely devastated. Obviously DT2 has full control of her body, and I think DT1 needs to see someone for help about her feelings, but she feels that she'll be laughed at for worrying about fertility so early on. I can completely see why DT2 has changed her mind, but am worried this is going to really damage their relationship. Has anyone dealt with this before? We have never ever mentioned DT2 or our other daughters with regard to surrogacy to DT1, and have mentioned possibilities- however, I think she feels that DT2 being identical to her means that the baby will be more "hers" this way. I'm upset to see DT1 this troubled, and have no idea what to do- or how to support each girl.
DT1 is currently packing for uni, DT2 has stormed off somewhere. Don't think they've ever had a fight like this before. We've always encouraged them to be unique- they have very different names, dress differently, separate hobbies, etc. They were at boarding school together in the same dorm for nine years before this, so absolutely joined at the hip (by choice, I was always getting outraged texts that teachers threatened to split them up if they didn't stop talking!) and I didn't know there was this much tension.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 12/04/2018 17:32

You sound completely on DT1s side. I think you should be the surrogate. It's a plan without any flaws. Unlike the one on the table now.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/04/2018 17:34

TheFirst the OP said it was unlikely that twin1 would be able to carry to term or carry at all. Or similar.

Confusedbeetle · 12/04/2018 17:35

It would be a recipe for disaster to be a surrogate for your twin

Viviennemary · 12/04/2018 17:36

I agree that DT1 needs counselling and a donor egg would probably be the best way forward if her twin doesn't really want to go down this path which is understandable I think. They are both young to make any sort of commitments to go down the donor egg route for each other.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/04/2018 17:41

The whole situation is an absolute recipe for disaster and should have been treated as such from the off. How it ever became a conversation is unbelievable.

If DT2 is to be a surrogate, where will the fertilised egg come from to be implanted in her? Because presumably you are not suggesting that one of your daughters conceives a child which is genetically hers and then happily hands it over to her sister, like a birthday present?

TurnipCake · 12/04/2018 17:46

Have you managed to locate your daughter since she stormed off, in your words?

When they were teenagers and we were explaining this, DT2 jumped at the chance of carrying for her twin, and obviously, we spoke about how it might change and she would have to really think.

This was the point where any discussion about this should have been nipped in the bud.

MrsLemonadeBrain · 12/04/2018 17:52

I just want to give dt2 a hug.
You are clearly on your infertile child’s side and you’re being so unreasonable I’m struggling to comprehend
You should be supporting your children to be strong, autonomous and independent not entitled and emotionally abusive

MagneticMan · 12/04/2018 17:53

When they were teenagers

They still are teenagers if they're 19.

What a stupid idea for you to have, seemingly, encouraged or at least gone along with in the first place. DT1 needs to grow the fuck up, her sister doesn't owe her a baby based on some pubescent conversation they (presumably) had when they were still children themselves.

titchy · 12/04/2018 18:00

Isn't there a Jodie Foster novel with a similar theme....?

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/04/2018 18:00

Not all women feel comfortable donating their eggs to another women and associate it with a biological link in the same way a man would donating his sperm. For me personally my eggs are something that I could never share. I don’t agree with surrogacy there’s a lot of issues and that’s with someone that isn’t linked to the mother nm a twin who has been emotionally manipulated to carry a child that is biologically linked but also physically linked via pregnancy. Your a mother think for a second how you would feel if you were pressured to give one of your babies away because you can always have more.

Original poster
MyMagicStars · 12/04/2018 18:21

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.
I'm supporting both on this, but DT2 is absolutely right, and I fully wish I'd nipped this in the bud when it started. While I feel sympathy with DT1, and wish with all the world that we weren't going through this, she has to be realistic, and DT2 has done nothing wrong.
Tonight, I'm going to try to properly talk things through with DT1 and talk about the options she has, as well as why it's unfair on DT2. DH is struggling a little to cope, as he found the operation very traumatic and did a lot of the hospital time while I was with the others at home. I think we both felt the hardest bit was over after the surgery.
The main thing now is trying to help my daughters, and give them the best future. We have private medical insurance, for any future fertility treatment, and I convinced DT1 to book a GP appointment for a week after she goes back to try and get a referral. However, I've asked her to look at DT2 as she does with her other sisters in terms of donation.
To all of the comments suggesting I try to carry, if I could, I would do anything to help my children. I have no favouritism or intention of hurting any of them, and am trying to help one of my daughters through something extremely difficult. I think deep down, she knew that it was unlikely to ever work out the way she hoped, and having to talk to her boyfriend openly about never having their own was very tough.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Edenrose206 · 12/04/2018 18:51

MyMagicStars, what a tough situation to be in, as a parent!! Please encourge DT2 to speak to an infertility counselor. I have an inherited genetic disorder that causes infertility. When I told my BFF, she offered to be my egg donor. We talked about it at length and we agreed that we would go to counseling (together and separately) to address any issues... then she decided to speak to her parents. They were sympathetic but vehemently opposed to her donating, so she told me with great regret that she couldn't help. (She was in her 30s.) I was disappointed, but I totally understood her hesitancy. I found an anonymous donor.

I'm now cradling my gorgeous 3-year-old son as he sleeps... I couldn't imagine life without him!! He is the apple of my eye (my DH adores him, too). Do not despair... but please do get your DT2 some expert help! I had lots of counseling, my DH and I both had a session with a genetic counselor after my condition came to light. If your daughter has a womb, she might well be able to carry a donor-conceived baby. Hormonal support is only necessary in the earliest stages; by week 10/11, the placenta takes over the production of all hormones necessary to support the pregnancy. I'm now 20 weeks pregnant with my darling boy's sibling. Take heart!

Please offer your DT2 lots of reassurance...it'll help ease the tension between the two. DT2 needs to release her expectations, but it is HUGE. At 19, she is probably.starting to really grasp the implications of her infertility, and there is a grieving process to get through... but the future may still hold all sorts of wonderful possibilities. I feel so blessed, now, which is a peculiar thing to say, given how heartbroken and shocked I was by my diagnosis. Flowers for all of you! Flowers

Edenrose206 · 12/04/2018 18:53

Oops! I've accidentally reversed DT1 and DT2.... I just realized that DT1 is the infertile daughter. But the message still holds. Flowers

shakeyourcaboose · 12/04/2018 18:54

l've asked her to look at DT2 as she does with her other sisters in terms of donation sorry if have picked you up wrong but I've read this as her sisters are all now being considered including DT2?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/04/2018 18:56

l've asked her to look at DT2 as she does with her other sisters in terms of donation

What does this mean?

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/04/2018 19:04

I hope your not suggesting that all your dds be considered for surrogacy. It’s an extremely personal choice that should not be pressured and emotionally manipulated to do.

titchy · 12/04/2018 19:09

However, I've asked her to look at DT2 as she does with her other sisters in terms of donation

Wtf? I sincerely hope you've simply worded that wrong. If not you are an outrageously shit parent.

Emmageddon · 12/04/2018 19:11

@titchy if you mean Jodi Picoult, rather than Jodie Foster, the book, if I recall correctly, is called The Pact

titchy · 12/04/2018 19:14

Oh yes that's it Blushthanks Emma

MrKaplansGlasses · 12/04/2018 19:19

I think poking at DT2 as she does her other sisters means that she hasn't expected them to be her surrogate so she shouldn't automatically expect DT2 to do it

MrKaplansGlasses · 12/04/2018 19:33

Obviously poking should be looking Hmm

kaytee87 · 12/04/2018 19:36

I've asked her to look at DT2 as she does with her other sisters in terms of donation.

What does this mean?

CoffeeOrSleep · 12/04/2018 19:41

You say that DT1 is maternal and that also she'd do this in a heartbeat - those two statements don't fit. Could DT1 really carry her own child to full term, then happily hand it over to her sister and walk away from raising it?

That is what DT1 is asking DT2 to do. Stop saying surrogate - whats being asked if DT2 is to give her first baby to someone else- do you think you that's a reasonable thing to ask?!

Very few woman are able to do this. If DT1 wants to use a surrogate, she should stop looking at her own family and look elsewhere.

You need to explain the full extent of what DT1 is asking for and get her in counselling - if she hasn't realised she was asking her sister to give her a baby that would be entirely hers, she needs to understand the enormity of what she is asking - and you do too.

RedSuitcase · 12/04/2018 19:43

Sorry but it sounds like the whole family including yourself have a rather unhealthy obsession with having babies.

Yarboosucks · 12/04/2018 19:56

This is one of those threads where MNers ask legit questions and offer some sounds advice but the OP just carries on posting without any real acknowledgement or response. Weird. What was the Daily Mail bit for?

The whole thing sounds too strange to me