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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know what to do about DD3 and surrogacy

180 replies

MyMagicStars · 12/04/2018 12:47

My twins are identical, and 19- currently home and about to go back to uni. They've always been incredibly close and inseparable, but they now have blossomed since living apart and gaining independence separately.
However, this morning there's been a huge row while I was out between them, resulting in tears and shouting. When she was six, DT1 had to have her ovaries removed, meaning she can't conceive while DT2 can. When they were teenagers and we were explaining this, DT2 jumped at the chance of carrying for her twin, and obviously, we spoke about how it might change and she would have to really think.
With the talk of babies currently at home, DT1 has spoken to her sister again and is asking a lot of questions about when she would be comfortable, etc, and DT2 is getting more uncomfortable, and has snapped that she doesn't think it'll work. DT1 is more maternal, and has always wanted children while DT2 is less intense about it. DT1 is absolutely devastated. Obviously DT2 has full control of her body, and I think DT1 needs to see someone for help about her feelings, but she feels that she'll be laughed at for worrying about fertility so early on. I can completely see why DT2 has changed her mind, but am worried this is going to really damage their relationship. Has anyone dealt with this before? We have never ever mentioned DT2 or our other daughters with regard to surrogacy to DT1, and have mentioned possibilities- however, I think she feels that DT2 being identical to her means that the baby will be more "hers" this way. I'm upset to see DT1 this troubled, and have no idea what to do- or how to support each girl.
DT1 is currently packing for uni, DT2 has stormed off somewhere. Don't think they've ever had a fight like this before. We've always encouraged them to be unique- they have very different names, dress differently, separate hobbies, etc. They were at boarding school together in the same dorm for nine years before this, so absolutely joined at the hip (by choice, I was always getting outraged texts that teachers threatened to split them up if they didn't stop talking!) and I didn't know there was this much tension.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 12/04/2018 15:47

I didn’t think I could have kids. My sister doesn’t want any. No way on earth would I expect her to have a child and give it to me, under any circumstances

AJPTaylor · 12/04/2018 15:50

I think twin with no ovaries needs to go find out what her options are.

JsOtherHalf · 12/04/2018 15:57

In 10+ years they can come back to this issue.

Genetically their eggs would be the same, so I can see where this would be the.ideal.
IF DT2 could donate eggs, could another sister carry a baby.for DT1?

To harvest eggs DT2 would to go through IVF, which is not easy in itself.

Frozen eggs do not generally work, so it would have to be when DT1 has a partner and they are ready for children.

PortiaCastis · 12/04/2018 15:57

Agree with fluffy

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 12/04/2018 15:59

So dt1 is wanting her sister to donate an egg and also likely be a surrogate too, and to agree to this before dt2 even has any children of her own. This is a massive ask and I would explain to both twins that dt2 absolutely cannot make any promises or commitments here and dt1 must stop asking her.

In your shoes I would arrange some specialist therapy for dt1 and start saving up so that you could fund some private fertility treatment for dt1 if she wants to pursue that option in future.

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/04/2018 16:08

It’s sounds like you expect your DT2 to give away her child to her twin you should be supporting DT2 decision and respect her wishes with what she does with her body.

Cuppaoftea · 12/04/2018 16:09

I don’t think discussing egg donation at 19 is unreasonable as donors are preferred to be younger aren't they, between 18 to 30, perhaps up to 35? If she is asking her sister to go through pregnancy however then yes they are young and it wouldn't be reasonable to ask that of DT2 at least until she's completed her own family (if she wants/can have children) and that's clearly some distance in the future for her.

You can't know how you'll feel when older really. I know I couldn't cope with being a surrogate and when having my four children in my 20s and early 30s felt I couldn't contemplate donating my eggs either. Now a few years on I would consider it but am too old at 39.

It sounds like what your DT1 is asking isn't an option and you need to support both twins separately. It would be a shame if this issue drove them apart.

Support DT1 in looking further in to other options, perhaps adoption could be the way forward for her in the future.

zzzzz · 12/04/2018 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 12/04/2018 16:14

I think your issue is you think DT1is being reasonable- she isn’t, expecting her sister at 19 tomhave the answers is unreasonable. And no agency would allow it either. What happened if the pregnancy was such she could not have anymore

So yes you are being unreasonable as you should now how to deal with it. By supporting DT2 in her reasonable right to say no and supporting DT1 by counselling

I hope fluffy is right

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2018 16:18

How do you know dt1 would do it in a heartbeat? Odds on if she’s that desperate to be a mother she wouldn’t be able to give her child away. I know I wouldn’t. Please step in and be their mother.

HeedMove · 12/04/2018 16:18

Its easy to say something as a young teenager when you dont understand it fully. Theres no way, I personally could give my egg to anyone. I couldnt have a child that was bioligocally mine but not my child. So I understand why your dt2 feels that way but also they are so young and at that age I wouldnt even contemplate being a surrogate but now in my thirties would do it for my sister if need be (not with my egg).

I think dd needs to accept she will have other options and whilst it wont cause any harm reading up on them now. its premature when she isnt planning a baby yet and still has her life to live.

MissP103 · 12/04/2018 16:30

You and your dh should never have allowed that conversation to have happened when they were teenagers. I feel sorry for dt2 here. Who does her twin think she is to storm off like a brat because she isn't getting her way. Dt2 owes her absolutely nothing regarding her body. I would not encourage them being in any way responsible for each other's fertility.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/04/2018 16:35

Well this is all very dysfunctional

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 12/04/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

swingofthings · 12/04/2018 16:44

I think there is a lot of misunderstanding in how it all works and DD1 should attend fertility counselling. As it's been explained, the fact that she's had her ovaries taken out doesn't mean she can't carry a child (unless I missed a post where it confirms she's also lost her womb). If she still has a womb, then 'all' she needs is an egg, which indeed, would be genetically exactly the same than what she would have produced herself, so in terms of mine vs yours child, it's not much relevant.

What it means for DD2 is that she would have to receive stimulating treatment for a month and then, under sedation of general anaestetics, would have as many eggs as possible taken from her ovaries. That's 'it', it in parenthesis as not a nice treatment but it would 'only' last one month (or more of course if not successful and agree to the treatment again.

Donating eggs is very different psychologically than handing over a child after you've carried them in you for 9 months.

Maybe if they both understood the process, they would feel more comfortable and appreciate that no decision has to be made at this time anyway.

FranticallyPeaceful · 12/04/2018 17:02

I feel bad for DT2.

Why don’t you donate your eggs and DT1 can carry it or get a surrogate? I hate the idea of surrogacy personally but Jesus Christ... expecting your DT2 to GIVE AWAY A BABY is insane.

And at 50 you’re capable of carrying a baby still if it comes to it.

Lizzie48 · 12/04/2018 17:07

I think the thing is, if it was the other way round, DT1 would do it in a heartbeat.

That really is emotional blackmail. How can you possibly know how she would feel if the roles were reversed. No wonder DT2 felt that you were pressurising her.

swingofthings · 12/04/2018 17:10

expecting your DT2 to GIVE AWAY A BABY is insane
She wouldn't be giving away a baby!! Many women donate their eggs, some for financial rewards, but some for purely out of kindness because they want to help infertile women.

It's likely that if DD2 knew what it involved and not feel under pressure, she would gladly agree to it especially after she has her own children but now is not the time to discuss such matter.

PortiaCastis · 12/04/2018 17:12

What did DT1 have ovaries removed at 6years old?

BeckettsandChapel · 12/04/2018 17:15

Not only is your daughter asking her sister to be a surrogate but she is asking her to donate her eggs to the process as well so in all terms of things it would be her sister giving her her child which she gave birth too .. have you thought of the repercussions for your child who is giving away her child ?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/04/2018 17:16

She wouldn't be giving away a baby!! Many women donate their eggs, some for financial rewards,

Yes she would. She would have to carry the baby as it's unlikely twin1 can carry her own child. And donating an egg to a stranger for financial reward is nothing at all the same as giving your own twin sister a child.

NameyMcChangeRae · 12/04/2018 17:22

What medical condition lead to DT1s ovaries being removed?

kaytee87 · 12/04/2018 17:27

She wouldn't be giving away a baby!! Many women donate their eggs, some for financial rewards, but some for purely out of kindness because they want to help infertile women.

They don't also carry the baby though. Essentially this would be an adoption situation rather than a surrogacy situation. I actually think you'd be hard pressed to find a doctor that would do this.

TheFirstMrsDV · 12/04/2018 17:30

Has the OP explained why it has to be surrogacy rather than egg donation.
Sorry if I have missed it. Its a pretty important point so I just wanted to clarify.

kaytee87 · 12/04/2018 17:32

In terms of the biology, DT1 has a womb, but it may be very difficult for her to carry long term due to her medical conditions