About the whole 'marriage thing'?

[plummanjelly]

I've name changed for this because it's gonna be super outing.

I'm 27 and partner is 30. We've been together 7 years, since very early 20's. Quite a laid back relationship for most of the time (given our young ages, tumultuous early careers, time out for further study etc.) but in the past year has got a bit more serious (on my insistence - his philosophy is just to let things happen in their own time). I've moved into his flat (rented), attended some family weddings etc.

All this time we've got on well, we connect, understand each other, he's a huge feminist (important to me) and generally have a great laugh. He's generous, kind and supportive, his family are lovely.

EXCEPT - its been 7 years, and since we're happy and definitely know we don't want to break up or see other people, I think it's time we got married. I don't know what else there is to wait for. I'm in a good place career wise, and while there may still be some change and uncertainty (heavy travel, extended foreign postings to very challenging locations), I think this is something we can tackle together. Likewise with his career, there's a lot of uncertainty coming up but I'm happy to support him financially (if required) and otherwise and am confident that he'll come out well on the other side. Marriage will change nothing in our relationship until kids, it's just something I'd like to get out of the way sooner rather than later. We both want to have kids only after marriage, and I'd ideally want to start a family in my early 30's.

He's absolutely adamant that he will not get married right now. He feels that he's still growing as a person and doesn't want to set anything in stone just yet. He also wants to sort out his career before 'settling down'. He seems to think marriage will change something in our relationship fundamentally, that he won't be able to take risks like starting a business etc. He's also concerned that I don't want to move back to his hometown (middle of nowhere) and that I may wish to take up foreign postings and he'd be compelled to accompany me (I'm happy to move alone for periods of time). He's a believer of things happening naturally and believes that one day he will magically wake up knowing that that time is right to take the plunge. He cannot say when that time may be. 2 years ago it was in two years, now its in another 2 years etc. etc. When I bring it up, he's understanding, but can't offer any solution other than why can't we just enjoy the now instead of stressing about the future.

I'm in a state of eternal frustration because of this. I could bite the bullet walk out of an otherwise good relationship and start again, but I just can't bring myself to. I could stay and most likely remain unmarried and childless well into my 30s, also a crap option. I'm not willing to try ultimatums or emotional blackmail (suggested by friends who have successfully used these tactics) because a) it won't work and b) even if it did I really would rather not drag someone kicking and screaming down the aisle.

WWYD

Sorry - such a massive post!

He feels that he's still growing as a person and doesn't want to set anything in stone just yet.

That means he still thinks he might want outbof the relationship.

You’re not on the same page at all. Progressing matters “at your insistence” shouldn’t be necessary.

Nevermind his “I am a feminist” spiel. Is he as into this as you are? Judge by the ACTIONS, not the girlfriend placating words.

You wanting to get married does not trump his not wanting to get married. He has given you his present decision. What you do with that is up to you.

If he doesn't want to get married you have two choices. You can stay with him and perhaps never be married (or he may change his mind in couple of years but it's a risk) or you can leave. In your shoes I would set a time frame so if he hasn't proposed by an age (say 29) then you will leave. That gives him time but means you will have time to have a family with someone else if he doesn't change his mind.

WWID? This;

I'm in a state of eternal frustration because of this. I could bite the bullet walk out of an otherwise good relationship and start again, but I just can't bring myself to

I’m fifteen years older than you, and you would not begin to believe what a common tale this is.

Take control of your own destiny. Man children who have to be “insisted at” are always a nightmare.

It’s not the question of marriage that’s the issue it seems to me but whether or not your values and outlook for the future are compatible. It’s seems perhaps not if he’s a home bird wanting to go back to his home town and you’re willing to go abroad for work. At 30 it really is time to grow up, and I bet that things aren’t just ‘happening ‘ I would imagine that YOU are the one making them happen. I had a friend in your situ, they broke up as he bloke wouldn’t commit etc as he wasn’t ‘ready’ - 6 months later he bumped into an old girlfriend, got her pregnant and married her straightaway. It’s not that he wasn’t ready it turned out just that he wasn’t ready to settle with my friend.
You need to have a proper grown up chat with him, maybe an ultimatum- if he decides to walk away then he really isn’t he one for you and you have plenty of time to meet someone else, have a family etc. The next person you meet could be as keen as you. I met and moved in with DP after a year. Married the year after that. Kids a couple of years after that because we’re in agreement of how to move our lives forward.

He sounds like here isn't sure you're his forever person ascend that would worry me.
I think you need to decide what matters most - being with him, being married, having kids etc.

If it's a family, Be honest with him that you want to start trying for a baby at x and therefore you want to be married by x and need to start planning thus be engaged by x. If he can't commit to you by that date then you can't believe that he will every wasn't to marry you and have children and you will have to walk away. It isn't blackmail, its honest.

Or don't, stay in the relationship and accept that by the time he decides one way pr the other, it may be too late for you to have children.

There's nothing in your plans you couldn't do married except be with someone else

Maybe if you can dis-associate 'Getting married' from 'Having kids?'. Marriage is more of a gentle transition from LTR, kids turns your world upside-down. He may not be ready for kids yet, so refusing to talk about marriage.

If you're wanting to get married, his thought will be 'Why?'. And he'll come to his own conclusions if you don't tell him.

I think he's being sensible, really. He knows he wants different things to you - like where to live. That's a huge difference. He wants to try things like starting his own business and doesn't want to be financially reliant on you. That's really great.

I think I would break off the relationship rather than hang on waiting to see what happens. You really don't want to end up leaving it too late to have children. He clearly has plans for his own future that are not similar to yours. I know you'd go abroad alone, but he might not want a long-distance relationship. Most people don't want that.

I think he's being honourable and isn't making false promises. It's hard to hear because you're not wanting the same thing, but he's not spinning you a line.

Why not go and live abroad, experience all that and see what happens? You may well end up getting together at a later date.

Set yourself an internal deadline of how much long you are prepared to wait for.

Do not get pregnant in this time, if it really matters to you that you are married before children.

See if he changes his mind, because you can't control the timetable of someone else's decision process.

You can however control your timetable. And if DC are important to you and you want to be married before having them, then you really do need to decide when you need to move on to seek the future you want, if he remains wanting different things.

7 years together and he is adamant he doesn't want to get married? Not a good sign for the future in my opinion tbh. Ever heard the saying "p**s or get off the pot"? 7 years is plently long enough to know if it's the real deal surely.

If you met now, instead of when you were in your early twenties, do you think you'd get together? Sounds like you're both just on totally different pages tbh. If you were my friend I'd probably advise you to end it.

I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't sure or ready tbh

Keep an eye on this. I'm not saying end it now, but given that neither of you want children before marriage, don't wake up one day in your late 30s still unmarried and realise you don't have many fertile years left.

I'm mid 30s now OP and had friends and sisters with the same issues in late 20s and early 30s. It was always '2 years from now'.

Literally not one of them are still in those relationships now. They all saw sense and walked away.

The sad thing is, and I see it all the time on the Relationship board here too, is that very often those men do in fact meet someone else and settle down and marry quite quickly

Admittedly, you're only 27, so do still have time, but personally I'd give it a year and I certainly would not invest anything into the relationship or the property in that time (financially I mean)

You want to get married, he doesn’t. You need to make the choice that suits you best, just as he is currently doing.
I was in a 6 year relationship, very happy but it just wasn’t progressing.
In the end I said to him, I want x,y and z. If you don’t want those things then that’s fine and I’m not trying to influence you but I’m not happy anymore and I want out. Have a think what you want and let me know.
4 years later we are married and expecting first dc.

Set yourself an internal deadline of how much long you are prepared to wait for.

Yes, I’d do this^^ too. I think there is a limit, if you know you want to get married. You’ve made your position clear and he hasn’t said he never wants to marry you, so it’s just a matter of how long you’re prepared to wait.

Hi OP
Your career sounds brilliant and challenging!
Imho,it appears that you are looking at marriage in a practical,'let's tick that box and get that job done',kind of way rather than with a longing to be your partner's wife.I mean no offence at all.
He clearly has doubts,he can see your career will be taking you off around the world yet he wants something different,to return to his home town and settle there.
This could be a deal breaker for him yet,being supportive of your feminist beliefs,he doesn't want to say it's me or your career.
Perhaps put marriage on the back burner and see where your career takes you?you are still young.
I could very well be completely wrong,it is just my thoughts.
Wishing you every success and happiness

It sounds like a very hard situation for you, I'm sorry.

You have to work with today's reality, not words and potential.

Today, after seven years, he does not want to marry you, at all. You are not on the same page.

I also agree that his words sound very clearly like he is not convinced you are his forever relationship. And you seem to want very different things from life - he wants to move home, you want to live abroad.

I think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship - I don't think the reality of it is at all like your vision of it. Good luck.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

Some men would see marriage as the next step after such a LTR but some men would rather gouge their eyes out than get married at 30 - as would some women. Horses for courses on that front.

What you have to reconcile with yourself - and you do sound very level-headed about it - is where you draw the line. As you rightly say; ultimatums don't solve anything and who wants to feel as though they're frogmarching their partner down the aisle.

Give yourself say 2/3 years to see where you are - continuing as you are with your careers and so forth. Keep in mind that if children are important to you then you have a much narrower window of time to achieve this than he does. At 27 you still have a lot of time so if the relationship is otherwise functioning and healthy then I'd just see how it goes.

The problem I suppose is that you might start to feel like you are in limbo - waiting for him; and this will start to breed resentment (if it isn't already).

You are both equally valid in your positions.

You say you’re happy together and not planning to break up. Don’t let this ruin your relationship. I’ve been with my partner 20 years, we have 3 kids and I’m not married to him. I refuse to get married. It’s never made our lives worse and I really am happy not having had the faff and expense of a wedding. Everyone’s different but if your relationship is that great chances are you won’t find another person who makes you that happy. Is it really worth throwing away over marriage?

I was sort of in your situation. We'd been together for years, all going well and I couldn't understand why he didn't want to get engaged. He eventually did propose when I was 28 and we'd been together five years, and I thought that was long enough! You've been together for seven years and he's still saying it's (at least) two years away. I think maybe I'd throw in the towel at this point OP

You are still young enough to have a good chance at marriage. Once you hit thirty things will change. If you are still unmarried at thirty five you are screwed. He really isn't considering your needs or feelings in this at all. Or he has no intention if marrying you and is keeping you around for convenience. In your place I would think it prudent to have an amicable break up telling him that of he changes his mind he knows how you feel. Just don't leave it too late.

Karma You've hit the nail very close. It is a tick box for me, not in a clinical way, but because I would like to have a document signed before investing financially in the relationship, like buying a house, or moving anywhere, either together or separately. He won't ask me to not move abroad because he knows my career is a top priority for me (and always will be).

To other posters - he has admitted again and again that if getting married soon is the only thing I will settle for then we have to break up, but it does make both of us very sad. I'm confident he's not stringing me along to be malicious, but obviously something isn't quite adding up for him.

I don't think what he's said is wrong or makes him a bad person. He is clearly thinking through what marriage means and how it makes him feel.

I don't think it means he doesn't want commitment or you - I think he's thinking about his own life and ambitions too and I think that's a good thing.

@iwasjustabouttosaythat

That’s completely different though, as you don’t want to get married. The op does. For some people it’s a dealbreaker.