About the whole 'marriage thing'?

[plummanjelly]

I've name changed for this because it's gonna be super outing.

I'm 27 and partner is 30. We've been together 7 years, since very early 20's. Quite a laid back relationship for most of the time (given our young ages, tumultuous early careers, time out for further study etc.) but in the past year has got a bit more serious (on my insistence - his philosophy is just to let things happen in their own time). I've moved into his flat (rented), attended some family weddings etc.

All this time we've got on well, we connect, understand each other, he's a huge feminist (important to me) and generally have a great laugh. He's generous, kind and supportive, his family are lovely.

EXCEPT - its been 7 years, and since we're happy and definitely know we don't want to break up or see other people, I think it's time we got married. I don't know what else there is to wait for. I'm in a good place career wise, and while there may still be some change and uncertainty (heavy travel, extended foreign postings to very challenging locations), I think this is something we can tackle together. Likewise with his career, there's a lot of uncertainty coming up but I'm happy to support him financially (if required) and otherwise and am confident that he'll come out well on the other side. Marriage will change nothing in our relationship until kids, it's just something I'd like to get out of the way sooner rather than later. We both want to have kids only after marriage, and I'd ideally want to start a family in my early 30's.

He's absolutely adamant that he will not get married right now. He feels that he's still growing as a person and doesn't want to set anything in stone just yet. He also wants to sort out his career before 'settling down'. He seems to think marriage will change something in our relationship fundamentally, that he won't be able to take risks like starting a business etc. He's also concerned that I don't want to move back to his hometown (middle of nowhere) and that I may wish to take up foreign postings and he'd be compelled to accompany me (I'm happy to move alone for periods of time). He's a believer of things happening naturally and believes that one day he will magically wake up knowing that that time is right to take the plunge. He cannot say when that time may be. 2 years ago it was in two years, now its in another 2 years etc. etc. When I bring it up, he's understanding, but can't offer any solution other than why can't we just enjoy the now instead of stressing about the future.

I'm in a state of eternal frustration because of this. I could bite the bullet walk out of an otherwise good relationship and start again, but I just can't bring myself to. I could stay and most likely remain unmarried and childless well into my 30s, also a crap option. I'm not willing to try ultimatums or emotional blackmail (suggested by friends who have successfully used these tactics) because a) it won't work and b) even if it did I really would rather not drag someone kicking and screaming down the aisle.

WWYD

@sparticus

Yes, the relationship you turned down sounds really similar to what happened with us. Lots of travelling about with his job, so I’ve basically never had a career. Sucks. I’m now looking at retraining whole wrangling babies in order to get back to work.

Dh and I were both saying last night how I should have gone and worked in London while he traveled round. He agrees with me btw. We were saying we should have just stayed together but long distance, then got married and settled down AFTER he’d completed training. We’d be exactly where we are now, except that I’d have a career and could contribute more to the household too.

But, we were very young and very smitten. At the time, the idea of not being together seemed terrible! I look back and realise we were both bonkers. C’est la vie!

*retraining, while wrangling babies,...

Dance, I confess I had to think about that one! Had an image of you teaching a class of fighting infants :D

Sorry. Typing too fast on my crap phone while feeding the baby!

women instead of men frequently ended up living in a bed sit while paying for him to live in the family home with the kids while dating as many women as he fancies.

MRA myth. Divorce leaves women significantly worse off than men.

One concern of his is that we do break up over this, lose something good, and then very shortly afterwards he feels like all the other pieces of his life fall together and he'll want to settle down

Well, at that point if you are still available and want him back, you can pick up where you left off. The risk he takes is that you might not be.

Yes, Divorce is so favourable to women that they end up bringing up their kids on one salary (usually diminished by them taking the brunt of the childcare so missing out on promotions etc). It's a FACT that most lone parents are women. Ita another FACT that the children of said single parents are very often in poverty. And it's not because their mum is spending all the cash on gin and gigolos
What's the percentage of divorced fathers who pay £0 child support again? I forget.
And for the record, I walked away from my marriage with 2 bags and a broken rib. Left everything behind. My dp is desperate to get married, I'm in no hurry.
(I wish sad little men would stop detailing interesting discussions!)

What's the percentage of divorced fathers who pay £0 child support again? I forget.

52. From the rest who DO pay, the average is 35 quid per week. I'm sure the mums don't even know what to do with all that cash..

Those statistics imply those must be some lovely bedsits.

He sounds like an absolute bellend!

If say it's better to leave now if he's not going to marry you, and give yourself time.

I did just that at 28, nearly 29, and 8 years on I'm... still single. Cannot find a man who wants to stay with me. In my early thirties I still had some short relationships. Some I broke off, so be them. But I've not even had so much as a date in the past 3 years.

I don't even know what the answer is any more and I'm having to come to terms with the idea of never getting married or having any more DC (I have one, but they want siblings). I'd give anything to go back and leave at 27 or younger.

Not sure if around op but just to add if you break up and go abroad heartbroken prepare to have a few months a bit home sick. That can be totally normal.

Or if you are together when you leave prepare for the worst that's it's difficult having a long term relationship. Or that he moves on or goes no contact when you are abroad. Mind games don't stop if you still have one foot back at home. Or it could work out.

Only saying so that when you're away and posters are saying have fun and let lose that the reality can be different if your mind is still uneasy. I'd make a deal if you do stay together that if he's not putting fifty fifty contact in or playing hot and cold to split. Going abroad can be amazing if you treat yourself fairly and with the freedom you deserve.

KatharinaRosalie

That is fucking outrageous!!!!!! Those mothers deserve a bloody medal (and some wine/a sack of cash)

And yet...and yet...and yet...

.....the perception still exists that divorced women take men to the cleaners and live a life of luxury while the poor wage slaves suffer in the gutter. And therefore marriage is a TERRIBLE THING that NO MAN SHOULD EVER DO.

If a man's main interest is in protecting his savings/inheritance/pension/salary then he should avoid marriage unless he's absolutely sure that he is marrying the 'right' woman. Though no woman in her right mind should marry a man who is hung up on keeping hold of 'his' money from the start.

I think the fact he would rather leave you than marry you is very telling.

Ignore people telling you “you are very young”. You are less than five years off the age you want to start having a family. Now is the time and I don’t think he has made the leap from a semi serious uni girlfriend (or similar) to life-partner. If he doesn’t want to marry you, he’ll stall kids too. If they are important to you, honestly I would have a frank conversation and if needed, leave him.
You aren’t THAT young that you want to waste five years with someone who isn’t serious. This isn’t a new relationship. He has had plenty of time to work out of you are someone he wants to spend his life with.

Thinking back, I also don’t like the way he tried to imply he might hands his mind after you’d left him - that’s not the sort of thing you have any business saying if you can’t make a commitment at present, it’s a tease at best.

If I were a man, or a woman whose partner would be carrying any children we had, I'd want to be married in order to ensure I had automatic parental responsibility as soon as any baby was born. When unmarried, the mother can make the decision to prevent this initially, and I'd have to incur the time and expense of going to court, without guaranteed success. Depends what your priorities are though, I suppose.

The divorced women I know are because their careers took the hit of kids whilst the mans ascended, unhindered. Once everything divvied up the mums also have the kids more so more childcare again affecting their prospects. Men's careers sailing ahead as EOW care means they can utterly commit to career. Not a bedsit in sight for these lucky chaps.

Yep. There's a thread right now from a man who wants to know if he can stop paying upkeep for his daughter now she is 18 (off to uni). He seems oblivious to the fact that she still has to eat and be clothed and have fees and books paid and whatnot.

Personally, instead of harping on about the supposed protections of marriage, I think women should be demanding that men do 50% of the child-related care and give up 50% of their incomes to stay home and care for them!

OP he's just not that into you!

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you've said yourself that the relationship has only moved forward at your insistence. Any relationship, be it romantic, friendship, family or work related has to be a two way street. Both people have to put in the effort or eventually it will fall apart. You've been dragging this relationship along for 7 years.

Saying he doesn't want to break up because one day he might finally want the things you do is manipulative and him playing mind games. He's stringing you along with this line.

Ultimately it's your choice but I wouldnt waste any more time on this relationship. He sees you as a comfortable option. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you.

Personally, instead of harping on about the supposed protections of marriage, I think women should be demanding that men do 50% of the child-related care and give up 50% of their incomes to stay home and care for them!

Wouldn’t that be nice? But until women earn as much money as men that is simply not a possibility for many households.