About the whole 'marriage thing'?

[plummanjelly]

I've name changed for this because it's gonna be super outing.

I'm 27 and partner is 30. We've been together 7 years, since very early 20's. Quite a laid back relationship for most of the time (given our young ages, tumultuous early careers, time out for further study etc.) but in the past year has got a bit more serious (on my insistence - his philosophy is just to let things happen in their own time). I've moved into his flat (rented), attended some family weddings etc.

All this time we've got on well, we connect, understand each other, he's a huge feminist (important to me) and generally have a great laugh. He's generous, kind and supportive, his family are lovely.

EXCEPT - its been 7 years, and since we're happy and definitely know we don't want to break up or see other people, I think it's time we got married. I don't know what else there is to wait for. I'm in a good place career wise, and while there may still be some change and uncertainty (heavy travel, extended foreign postings to very challenging locations), I think this is something we can tackle together. Likewise with his career, there's a lot of uncertainty coming up but I'm happy to support him financially (if required) and otherwise and am confident that he'll come out well on the other side. Marriage will change nothing in our relationship until kids, it's just something I'd like to get out of the way sooner rather than later. We both want to have kids only after marriage, and I'd ideally want to start a family in my early 30's.

He's absolutely adamant that he will not get married right now. He feels that he's still growing as a person and doesn't want to set anything in stone just yet. He also wants to sort out his career before 'settling down'. He seems to think marriage will change something in our relationship fundamentally, that he won't be able to take risks like starting a business etc. He's also concerned that I don't want to move back to his hometown (middle of nowhere) and that I may wish to take up foreign postings and he'd be compelled to accompany me (I'm happy to move alone for periods of time). He's a believer of things happening naturally and believes that one day he will magically wake up knowing that that time is right to take the plunge. He cannot say when that time may be. 2 years ago it was in two years, now its in another 2 years etc. etc. When I bring it up, he's understanding, but can't offer any solution other than why can't we just enjoy the now instead of stressing about the future.

I'm in a state of eternal frustration because of this. I could bite the bullet walk out of an otherwise good relationship and start again, but I just can't bring myself to. I could stay and most likely remain unmarried and childless well into my 30s, also a crap option. I'm not willing to try ultimatums or emotional blackmail (suggested by friends who have successfully used these tactics) because a) it won't work and b) even if it did I really would rather not drag someone kicking and screaming down the aisle.

WWYD

Riskier to stay then go.

I left at your age. Moved cities jet dh 6 months later, he proposed a few months after that, married next available date first of 2 kids born when I was 32. If they want to ..they do. Not sit on their hands for 7 years

Sorry op but he's not that into you.
Despite his fine words he doesn't see you as his forever person. You talked to him and told him what you want and he has told you he doesn't want the same.
Don't waste any more time talking just walk out and get on with your life. Yes it will be painful but you will get over it. There are thousands of men out there who could be the 'one'.
If he decides he does want you well he can come after you.

In your shoes i would of walked away by now,he's offering you nothing...everything is on his terms..I think you have a great future ahead of you with your job,he will be like a dead weight you are pulling along for the ride..do not marry him ,if he suggests marriage when you end it,still say no...he will hold you back.

I doubt you would put up with this sort of contradictory vagueness in other areas of your life.

Absolutely not.

A pp mentioned "friends with benefits". This was the phrase that kept popping in to my mind before I moved in to his house. He seems to think that moving in is a big step forward. It's definitely progress, but I disagree that it's been a huge show of commitment from his side.

I often think women are far more practical/logical than men. And men, are more 'romantic' in a certain sense.

A woman will often settle for a LTR that rolls along reasonably fine and then eventually want to move her life on to marriage and kids.

A man often seems to require the initial relationship 'spark' or intensity to inspire the agreement for marriage and kids. If he's had the spark but it settles into a LTR then his willingness for marriage subsides. This is why I think men often do move on and get married to a new woman quickly, because she didn't let the grass grow.

That is just my nonsense theory after having it happen to me in the past!

and be careful, another few years of this and you'll feel really resentful, he gets to do what he wants and you suck it all up.
then your relationship is fucked either way.
He's told you that an ultimatum won't work, well that says it all really

He's also concerned that I don't want to move back to his hometown (middle of nowhere) and that I may wish to take up foreign postings and he'd be compelled to accompany me (I'm happy to move alone for periods of time).

You met very young. It seems to me that you have outgrown him. At 27 he is thinking of moving home and is scared at the prospect of you dragging him abroad for your work. At 28 my DH asked me to accompany him to work abroad and I leapt at the chance. We then both went on to live and work in 3 other countries for 17 years. We grew together and had the best time ever. Our lives were amazing.

I do not think you are on the same page. I think YOU have outgrown him. If I were you I would go take those overseas postings yourself and meet a likeminded, life ambitious person like yourself and have the life you want. He seems to me as if he will hold you back.

As for the feminism thing. He likes the thought of being with someone like you but it sounds like deep down he wants to live near his family and bake cookies.

You'd like to buy a property but not until you're married? Doesn't seem right that you're holding off on that indefinitely. I would move forward with that alone and carefully.

Otherwise as others have said I'd set an internal time limit. Quite soon. What's the latest you want to start trying to get pregnant? Work back from there.

Him "allowing" you to move in't his house def isn't a huge show of commitment on his side!

Wise advice from so many posters. I agree, he does not want to marry you but doesn't want to break up with no one else on the horizon.

It will be hard initially to end it but I can't see how you will ever get to meet your own personal goals in life while staying with this man
Sorry OP

Ever heard the saying "ps or get off the pot"?

^ This

Its been 7 years and he's still not ready to commit in anyway, he doesn't want to marry you, but wants to be married before children.

Sorry, but it sounds like he is waiting for something or someone better to come along but you are either convenient for now or will do if something better doesn't happen. You deserve better.

He's done his talking and told you how he feels, 7 years is long enough to get the measure of him, you need to decide now, at 27, if you are willing to wait for him to change his mind. You decide if you are willing to take the risk he wont and you might be together but childless, or he might leave you and find someone he wants to marry and have children with.

Or you go and find someone who wants what you want, while you are still young enough to find someone, get to know them, marry and start trying for a family.

7 years is too long, you have all the information you need, time to make a decision for your future.

My sister walked at your age and meant it. Joint house, together 7 years, he confirmed no marriage and kids. She packed a bag and came to ours we were planning her new life at the kitchen table when he arrived in tears. Been together 12 years now 2 kids.

Leave and mean it. If he is jump started into proper commitment that's great. If he isn't you know he would have strung you along and vv lucky escape you free to meet someone better. It's a no brainer. Worst option is trundling along as the years slip by and you attend your friends weddings and christenings.

I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't want to marry me (although having said that, there is a current thread on here where I think differently!). Neither would I want to continue the relationship.

Op you are completely missing the point in your practical and sensible step by step life projection.

A man, in my experience, 'knows instinctively' when he has met the person he wants to marry, settle down with and have children with.

He normally instinctively 'knows' when the timing is right to propose and it is normally a romantic and magical time in a couple's lives!!

You are taking all the romance and magic away in your demands. I would, if I were male, be really put off with this kind of unromantic needy/bossiness.

I am also very sad that you will miss out on the 'Mills and Boon' style crushingly romantic moment many women (including me) when the love of their life asks them to marry.

I don't think you should move in with someone until you know where you stand so that you can keep your options open.

Why would you hand yourself on a plate financially and emotionally without making sure you are both on the same page in investing in and aligning your future plans?

There is an inherent power imbalance in your relationship as he is 'take it or leave it' with regards to you and he is not as invested in you as you are with him.

You want a husband -to-be who puts you on a pedestal and can't wait to marry you and can't imagine a life without you.

Not someone you need to nag and drag screaming up the aisle.

Get some self respect op and work on that and ask why you are wanting to settle for someone who doesn't particularly want to marry you and is making excuse after excuse to get you to back off?

I wouldn't invest time, resources and effort into a job or a property, without a legal contract, so why in a relationship?

Good. You are talking sense here.

To be honest? He's probably not THAT into you (probably not as a result of anything that is your fault, just sometimes a guy is unconsciously looking for something slightly different) and he is keeping his options open because of the hope that a woman he likes more will turn up.

The number of guys who are like this, insist that they are not ready for marriage or not the "type" that marries.... and then a year later, they meet someone else and are married to her in the blink of an eye...? Seen it so many times. Trouble is, sometimes by the time this happens the original girlfriend is older and does not have much time to find a new partner and have children if that is what she wants.

I don't think he is going to marry you, and I wouldn't waste any more time waiting to be honest.

Agree with making an internal deadline. Op he sounds like hes keeping his options open.

On the internal deadline - it's pretty much up.

I suppose that's decided. It makes me so sad.

I used to work with a guy, he was really really lovely, sweet, funny, kind etc etc

He was in a relationship with his long term girlfriend for years I think eight years. But he would not marry her and it was important to her.

So she broke up with him.

He met and married someone else within six months of the break up.

He admitted his ex was very upset about it.

I’ve seen it happen a few times.

I would put the time and effort that you are putting into moving the relationship forwards into exploring your options without him and for yourself.

Sorry OP but you sound like a lot of women I know. They are beautiful, well educated and have great careers. They are great, loyal friends. However they all put up with fuckwits.

It will be sad jelly, do you have friends and family who can support you? Long term though it sounds as though you will be much better off without him

if you walk you have to mean it. Anything else is not going to work, you can't go back to him if you walk.
I PROMISE you!!! I did it, it failed and then failed again.

but walk for the right reasons, you are still young.

I have a similar situation with my partner, 29 and together for 5 years. Felt like he was stringing me along and we had a big fight about it. He didn’t seem to understand that there is time between an engagement and a marriage.

We are going to look at rings later today but to be honest the excitement about it is gone, after the fight. I kind of feel as if I have forced him into, even though he was planning to.

OP I'm going to come at this from the angle of a parent. (I've name changed BTW here.)

I have a DD who is 29. She has wasted (for want of a better word) most of her 20s with 2 long term boyfriends. Neither was a bad person but for various reasons they each wanted different things to her. She ended the last relationship 6 months ago as it was clear he didn't want the same as she did.

I feel for her because she wants to be settled, have children and her bio clock is ticking. I wish she could have seen the writing on the wall earlier with each of them.

My son is slightly older than your partner. He has started living with his long term girlfriend but is very heavily involved in his career (12-15 hour days) and has made it clear he doesn't want children for several years yet. This is no reflection on his feelings for her, but what he feels ready for.

I am pretty sure that if his GF pushes and tries to back him into a corner, he will end it and sooner rather than later because HE is conscious of her bio clock (she's your age.)

I fully understand how you feel and don't want to waste time and have this guy lead you up a dead end. But I also understand how he feels. People do change a lot between 25-35 and he's right to be cautious.
My son is the same.

I have no real advice. I feel for you so much.

I agree with a PP who said give yourself a deadline. Don't pass that onto him though. The other option is to move out , rent on your own and put this relationship back onto a more casual basis. You met when you were quite young so won't have had masses of long term relationships anyway. There are millions of men out there who would adore you and want to settle down. If this guy isn't ready to commit, he's not. End of. I understand him and I understand you!