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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a break from my ILs

193 replies

Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 05:43

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

OP posts:
Counter27 · 11/04/2018 06:11

YANBU and it feels like you are me in a few years! Been with DH for 10 and you've written almost exactly my situation.

No solution sorry. I think you will have lots of people here saying YABU and you knew his family before you got married and what you were getting into but if it's anything like my experience it was never that bad the first few years and as families expand the events only increase!

I would say that giving all credit if you have to do a lot for them then they must return the favour? I know my DH's family do. Although I have my moments and find the living in each other's pockets unbearable, they have done a lot for us too which is brilliant.

Oh most importantly we made sure we never lived in the same area as them. The small distance (only half an hour) helps a lot as they view that as bloody Timbuktu and see coming to us as an expedition!

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 06:16

Thanks @Counter27, and funny that you could have written my post. As a teen I thought my family were too standoffish but now I find them blissful restful!
I actually didn’t realise the extent of the enmeshed dynamic before we married! You are right that it would be reciprocal if we needed them, we do have lower needs/drama tho and their kids are smaller so it mostly goes one way. I should also mention the majority of holidays are with them, again this has upsides but I need some space for a bit.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 11/04/2018 06:30

Why on earth do you you all have to rush over at every announcement? Why is it always a crisis? Would a phone call not do?

This would have driven me crazy years ago.

I think it's a great idea to step back and not subscribe to this.

It will also teach your dcs to take a more balanced view on things.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 06:35

Thanks @cobblersandhogwash, hadn’t thought of the dc example. Re the drama, god knows. If I try and discuss with Dh he gets v defensive.

OP posts:
GreenItWas · 11/04/2018 06:42

That dynamic would drive me barmy. My family are really low key, low maintenance types thank fuck!

Counter27 · 11/04/2018 06:47

@Maggiepryor eeek the holidays are a tough one. I say this feeling very fortunate... DH's family have only ever invited us with them a handful of times on their joint holidays (they seem to never do anything as individuals and don't have friends they socialise with). We were young when they first asked us and we didn't have money to go with them. After the first few times we said no they stopped asking.

However... we are due with our first DC at the moment and I am under no illusion that things might get worse! 😂

I would say one thing though. Although it can be blood boilingly frustrating I know of someone who has absolutely manic, emotionally abusive in laws and I am grateful for my situation in comparison.

In terms of the multitiude of events you are running off to support with. I find it a good idea to have plans with your own family, friends and just DH and DCs on most weekends so that when things happen you are already busy but so sorry you can't be there 😊 obviously if it is something very significant or distressing you'd maybe ditch current plans.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 06:49

I think over the years I got numb to it! Used to fight over it with dh. Tbh if I had had number then I would have left him at s certain point.
But then I got used to it. Until this Easter, which was particularly chaotic and exhausting. Something in me has snapped!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 06:50

If I had had Mumsnet then. Damn phone.

OP posts:
Counter27 · 11/04/2018 06:50

Also my family are super low key as well and would be considered like strangers comparatively 😂 we do birthdays, christmas etc. together with the occasional random thing thrown in but that's it. Not a daily phone call (not joking) or 3-4 weekly meet ups.

missperegrinespeculiar · 11/04/2018 06:51

well, yes, of course you are entitled to take a back seat if you are exhausted, but still I think YABU, as I get older I realise that a supportive, loving family is the most important thing, the constant drama may be draining yes, but family support is invaluable in a real crisis, you may need them more than you now know

autumnleaf1 · 11/04/2018 06:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but did they help you out a lot when your children were younger? If you are now expected to babysit for you nieces and nephews, is that because you had the same benefits a few years ago? I think if you had a lot of babysitting and help from them, it's only fair that you return the favour.

Saying that, a 6 hour round trip is something I'd only want to do every few months. It must be costing you a fortune in petrol!

AuntieStella · 11/04/2018 07:00

If you can get breaks from them, then it may well all work out.

I entered a series of road races, which mean I'm off doing my own thing one Saturday a month and if that coincides with DH's plans with his family, he and DC go without me.

Can you get some weekend commitments, doing something you like? Because if you had Fri evening to Sun afternoon to yourself every now and again, it might balance everything out.

Penfold007 · 11/04/2018 07:10

So what is stopping you stepping back and taking a break? DH and DC can continue supporting and seeing the ILs and you do your own thing. Requests for childcare should be politely refused.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 07:19

They didn't babysit when kids were younger, but mostly cos wet are a bit more independent when it codes tho drawing on help. The thing that will make it hard to step back is dh.

OP posts:
StringandGlitter · 11/04/2018 07:25

Next crisis DH takes kids and you stay at home with a headache. And the next one and the next one. Those damn headache are something else right?

There will be fallout but let DH deal with it. After all your head hurts.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 11/04/2018 07:40

YANBU. I love my in laws very much but every now and then I need a break. We see them every Sunday and normally I enjoy our visits. A few months ago when half way through a visit I snapped and left Blush

Following week I decided to stay at home as I had lots of work to do (turned out to be true!) it was bliss. A few hours at home alone and no bickering or SIL sulking. Heaven.

It was enough to recharge my batteries and now I'm fine again. Another few months and I will probably do the same again.

My DH understood that my ducking out was for the overall benefit of the family but mostly for HIS benefit. I was taking steps to avoid a big drama (I could go nova) and that I was in no way preventing him from having the relationship he wanted with his family.

Ask your husband what he'd rather be dealing with...

tishhope · 11/04/2018 07:41

I once ended a relationship because of DP's 'close' family. I have never met such an interfering, overbearing, always-right bunch of people. But, I have to say that DP was part of the problem well it was a problem to me because his family were always right according to him (although I would beg to differ), he told his family everything and was on the phone to his mother and brothers I kid you not 4-5 times a day. It drove me to despair.

HolyMountain · 11/04/2018 08:01

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. How will your Dh react to you when you say “I’m not coming up with you”.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 08:02

@tishope lord five times a day! I thought she was bad with 1-2!
There is nothing wrong with how they are, it is just not right for me. Yes as pps have said there will be fallout with dh but I am looking forward to having a break too much to care!
Dh just wants me there every time with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 08:03

Cross post holy mountain, he will sulk and question my loyalty.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/04/2018 08:11

So it's really a DH problem because he doesn't like you opting out. What about visiting your own family? Could you point out that they don't get to see as much of you?

HolyMountain · 11/04/2018 08:14

Let him sulk.

You’ve been ‘loyal’ over the years but now it’s time to put yourself first and not rush over every time there’s drama.

You’re not stopping him and if he questions your loyalty and makes your time together difficult with his sulking then you might have to start asking yourself is it time for a change from him too.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 11/04/2018 08:18

YANBU
I’ve never understood these families where everyone is stuck together and speaking to each other all the time. Fine if you like it, but as an adult in my forties with 3 kids, no, I want some space.

Why does he need you there? What’s this loyalty business, are they the mafia?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 11/04/2018 08:19

Have they ever supported you? Driven down to help you at a drop of the hat?

Tell him you are exhausted and will have quiet time while he is away.

Also double check. Your DCs are happy to go with him. They may not be.

GreenItWas · 11/04/2018 08:21

If you can't opt out without your DH kicking off, that's your problem right there. DH.

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