To want a break from my ILs

[Maggiepryor]

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

Ooh that sounds lovely. And spicy noodles and some good telly!

Sounds like bliss

Try and turn it into something you look forward to, rather than dreading the inevitable tantrum. The tantrum is going to happen anyway, but if you have your own treats and plans then it will reduce the impact that his behaviour has on you

Why do you and DH have to do the babysitting? Why can't MIL do it?

It is a tantrum isn’t it? Do you know realising that (only took me 15 years) is what allowed me to disengage from it. It is just mildly amusing now.

Oh mil will be there too. We all have to do it TOGETHER.

youve had some great advice on here maggie Id send your DH and your kids down this weekend to babysit.

He doesnt respect your job or you with his 'who books meetings on a Friday'

If it were me, Id be reconsidering my marriage as a whole.

crosspost! WHY is MIL and your family there to babysit? Surely one or other is suffice?

I cant understand it either @jaxinthebox and have driven myself mad over the years trying to. It is something to do with mutual support but also with no one having much identity individually, kind of a herd mentality.

And Jax re your first post, even tho I earn more my job is still somehow disposable. Mil and sil don’t work and everyone is mystified why I continue to insist on this career thing!

Mil and Sil don't work, but you and DH have to drag yourselves up to help them out?

Very unfair.

stand firm @maggiepryor - and let us know how you get on when you are busy this weekend and cant go with your DH.

@freyanna oh god my blood pressure is going up now! I hadn’t thought about that point for a while. I have buried all of this in favour of a quiet life.
Yes it is unfair, and Dh has historically refused to accept that working makes me knackered and means my weekends are really important. Because, you know, I shouldn’t actually be working should I?

Thanks @jaxinthebox, lol will post pic tomorrow of my wine and takeaways, and my feet in fluffy socks propped up on the couch!

You and your DC should be your DH's priority now. It is quite ridiculous what you are having to do to support his relations. They should be able to manage just fine without you.

What about time for you, DH and your children to relax and enjoy weekends together?

We’re supposed to enjoy it as an extended family! Dcs are tweens now and would much rather see their mates on the weekends anyway, am giving them option from now on. In the past mil would get on the phone, ask to speak to them and guilt trip with a ‘don’t you want to come and see nana.’

When they are teenagers, they really won't want to come and see nana.

You can help them now by allowing them not to grow up into their Dad by showing them it is OK to say no and not be guilted into stuff.

I don't think you need advice OP. Just reassurance that you are doing the right thing and you absolutely are.

Oh mil will be there too. We all have to do it TOGETHER

What?!

Two women (without a job) want you to give up your weekend to babysit? Why is it that MIL can’t babysit on her own?!

I’m sorry but I think it’s time to explode! DH sound like he needs a reality check?

I would say I work extremely hard (unlike your mother) and need the weekend to unwind and spend time with my children. If your sister needs a night out, your mother can babysit-this doesn’t involve me.

What did he say when you told him you wouldn’t be finishing work early tomorrow and going?

Sorry-a few more questions!

Is this the first time you have ever refused to go along with ‘the plan’? How do you think he/they will react?

Have you actually told him you can’t go or just that you can’t finish work early tomorrow? What do you think he will do-have the car packed and ready to go when you get back?

Does your MIL do this with just your DH/you/kids or does she do it to anyone else? Do you have any allies?

Sounds like you are ready to play hardball. Don't fight just say you are not going and don't go. Tell him the children are not going - ideally book them into something. Ignore all tantrumming.

Easier said than done of course. Especially if you are used to following JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) when he's the one who is unreasonable. Don't JADE. No is a complete sentence.

I th8nk your own dc could be the winning point in this ridiculous situation. You say they’d rather stay home and see their mates, so ensure arrangements are made (friend’s sleepover, or one has a sleepover at yours, can’t let our own dc down!) or hobby means you can’t miss a Saturday etc.

I think it is more about your dh getting his own way/controlling you. It’s ridiculous to tell you that sil’s dc need their gm and you both plus the kids to babysit. To an objective observer, it’s just a bonkers scenario! Mil can do it alone, you are surplus to requirements. Friday nights are sacrosanct here, nothing interferes with my feet up, glass of wine in hand.

I think it’ll be hard for a few months, but just give the same no, I’m tired, I’ve been at work, I don’t need to go, you go chant until your dh gives up asking you. You have a life, live it.

You sound like such a strong, sorted and sensible person, Maggie. Stay strong. Don't give in - and enjoy your Friday night.

I’m amazed you’ve put up with it for this long-honestly, your MIL sounds awful!

I’m wondering what good you were arriving in a crisis when your kids were younger?! Small children, long journey?! That’s when I would have put my foot down to be honest!

If MIL and Sil don't work, why the arse are YOU expected to drive down for three hours and babysit?

I think that Friday meeting is going to run over time you know...

I could not deal with that dynamic. Step back. Right, right back. A summons for emergency help is for emergencies - and I’m sure most people would help in an emergency. Taking a grown man out because of redundancy is not an emergency. It’s an unpleasant event that you should sympathise with via the phone, or the next time you see them, but good god it doesn’t need a mass family exodus.

And yes. Kids need things arranged, hobbies, sleepovers, things you can’t miss. Hell YOU need things arranged.

Good luck with it. There will be sulking. Stand firm