To want a break from my ILs

[Maggiepryor]

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

Bloody hell, your poor dcs. I know that my ILs would like to see more of ds and I have now started inviting them more often to sports matches and things - they can see ds, but on his terms and his territory. He has, and deserves, a life, and his friends are absolutely essential to him (Dh died not that long ago). 6 hours driving is a fuck of a lot.

Very surprised your husband goes along with all this to be honest.

Well done op. I would far rather deal with an angry, jaw clenching dh than go on a 3 hour journey to see in-laws at the weekend.

Every time. And, if that meant dealing with a sulking dh during the week then so be it. I would not argue.

Take charge of your own wellbeing. This fucker certainly has no interest in it.

Dcs are with me. Dh LOVES the visits to his family. I will post here bout eastergate once dcs in bed and I have a drink. I need strong liquor to talk about eastergate!

Well done. Enjoy your evening.

well done @maggiepryor you have fun this weekend, just doing what you want.

Suddenly I'm very grateful that my ILs aren't that invested in us!
It is insane for yours to expect you to drive three hours to babysit after a full day's work to sit in a room with your DH's DM - why the hell can't she babysit alone?!
The thing is, you don't really have an IL problem, you have a DH problem. He's facilitating this nonsense knowing full well it's having a detrimental effect on your marriage and your children (guilt tripping them by phone? ). Incidentally, does he actually get involved in the childcare of his nephews and nieces, or does he sit back and expect you to do it as 'wife work'?
If he kicks off again about you not going tonight, you need to make it clear in no uncertain terms that you've reached your limit. If he chooses them over you again, then it's probably time to think of an exit strategy.
In the meantime, tell us about Eastergate!

Ah, missed the update! Well done OP! Enjoy the wine and the rest.

My DH and his family like this. Main difference is we are 'second time arounders' so both have grown up kids and no kids together.
Every bastard weekend they start circling at around 9am Saturday.
Usually starts with a phonecall from Dmil, she has a leak from a tap or whatever so of course DH has go round (he has two other DBs but we are the 'chosen ones' Then she'll ask him get her something or whatever so he has to go back again later, then one of his grown up sons will be on the phone around lunchtimes saying they might 'bob round later'. This means DH reluctant to go out with me in case they turn up (often they leave it till next day or its hours after they said!!). Neither of them ever visit in evening during week and they all seem to need to live near each other and DH would never consider even moving a few miles away.
My Dd and dgd live nearby but she always visits during week when DH at work and 'leaves us to it' at weekend and my DS lives a few hundred miles away but even when he visits for a few days it's when lm there whilst Dh mainly at work during week and during school hols when he brings my DGCs it's always midweek when dh at work during days.
Ive never barred them(my two) from visiting weekends but they just naturally respect our time together and they have no problem with my DH and get on well with him when they do see him so it's not that.

Well done , may this weekend be the first of many.

I hope your dc’s enjoy the fact that you’ve started the process of breaking loose from the expectation of having to do what Dad says and the extended family want.

Bloody well done!

Let him seethe, it’ll do him good to realise that you need this to stop

My son married into a family like you have described, they do everything together, nights out, trips into countryside, absolutely everything.

I'm afraid I don't get it.

But then they have massive fallouts, because they know everything about each other and think because they're family, it's ok to interfere.

Hooray! Well done @Maggiepryor

So... Eastergate...?

First, the pic:

Excellent picture .

Oh nice. And now, eastergate? I’ve just poured a cuppa...

Alright so.
At Easter, DHs family and us planned to go to a nice part of the country, wee town, great shopping/dining, a river and outdoorsy stuff for kids. I have discounted holiday houses there through work so booked one for us, and offered to book for the family too. Holiday houses right in town, close to all attractions. Cheap n cheerful units.
DH family said no, units too cheap and cheerful, we want something nicer. Chose v nice holiday rental but a way out of town and not so close to attractions.
DH, kids and i settle into unit. We have books, wine, outings planned with ils mixed with chilling in unit.
Well. Once ils saw how close unit was to everything, they decided it would be their daytime base. Unit then overrun with toddlers, not enough seating for everyone, huge mess every day and units not serviced. THEY COULD HAVE HAD THEIR OWN UNIT. Right next to ours. They only spent nights in their gorgeous, expensive but poorly located rental.
On our last day there we had some fun outings planned together and then a nice tea in a family friendly restaurant. Except Sil had huge row with her husband that day, and entire last day was spent embroiled in the drama, minding kids while delegations of family went to speak to each of the aggrieved parties and attempt reconciliation.
I don’t usually drink heavily (my pic is mostly showing off lol) but Christ i felt driven to it by that ‘holiday.’

I am going to put the kettle on (it's 0930 here) and in all other ways adopt a similar posture to you in readiness.

(imagine the gravelly voice bloke that does movie trailers)
She was a woman on the edge
In an impossible situation
With no backup
And only one chance to escape
EASTERGATE
coming to a thread near you May 13
(Parental advisory: contains peril, swears and scenes of irrationality)

This is ridiculous! I’m from a close extended family - some of us live in the same city, we all spend at least part of Christmas and Easter together even if it means travelling, and we go on holiday together once a year.

HOWEVER. If someone can’t/doesn’t want to/can’t afford to, that’s fine. Not everyone’s partners want the same level of involvement, so we negotiate and go to family things alone or don’t go to so much.

These people are my best friends, not just my family - but my partner is my person. We’re making a family together and that had to come first. My family of origin might be a close second, but they are second now. Your husband is being really disrespectful of your wishes and your time.

Weezol lol. Oh i forgot the bit where i had had enough on the Saturday, went off to have a quiet drink and DH chased me down the road, accosted me and begged me to come back as it was a bad look to the rest of the clan for me to go off alone.

In the movie trailer for eastergate that would be a dramatic clip. Also there would have to be a scene where toddlers jump on the couch and tip bags of crisps onto the floor.

Oh god, my sister sometimes still gives me the ‘but you both have to come or it will look bad!’ routine. These are people who saw me pass out on the family dog at my 21st and lived through my goth phase. They don’t give a shit what it looks like.

Is your husband concerned with what other people think a lot?

I imagine the closing clip on the trailer would be you with your head on the table, arms spread, fists clenching slowly then your head coming up with a steely glint in your eyes. You say one word, clearly, in a low voice. 'Enough'. Screen cuts to black.

God they like the drama don’t they - days spoilt and delegations! That to me isn’t a break -loads of drama and tidying up. It doesn’t sound fun for the children either with plans cancelled or provide them with an example of how to behave as an adult.

Do you go away on your own or is there always an expectation that holidays are together as well?

WTAF?! They are mad. Batshit.

Enjoy that wine. Enjoy your weekend. And enjoy your new found confidence & resolve.

I personally could not stay in a relationship like that. Your DH is being hugely disrespectful of you. I would struggle to get over that.

Think about future holidays. Would you ever go with them again? Would you go but only for trips last x days.