To want a break from my ILs

[Maggiepryor]

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

@Weezol i actually swore an oath to myself that enough was enough!
Yes we do go away on our own, i usually book it overseas as i know they won’t follow!

Do you still love him Maggie

Was he really in a rage when he drove off? What did he say, how can he possibly justify this batshitteryness?

I do love him @HolyMountain but this behaviour over the years has also forced me to make plan b. And where once i would have fallen to bits at the thought of our marriage ending, now i know i would be fine. This has strangely made me more relaxed about this crazy madness. Because i know i can walk away.
@BananaBat, this is such an old fight between us that he just goes straight from 0-10 as soon as it comes up. Last words were “So you are staying here then.’ Me: ‘Yep.” DH “Right then.” [takes keys and goes down to car].
He’ll stay the night down there and i will see him sometime tomorrow. Just going to get on with weekend and loooove being at home!

Financial independence is so so important , I’m glad you’ve got it so you are able to go to plan b if he becomes resentful of you saying no to him.

Have a lovely peaceful weekend

When you go to bed, spend a few moments in a starfish position, just because you can .

I see he’s coming back tomorrow; don’t you want to phone him and encourage him to stay another night? (For his DM’s benefit).

Can we assume that when he visits his family that he gets an easy ride? Noncooking hoisework or child activities to attend and therefore enjoys his time off?

Whilst you frantically catch up on housework in the week?

Bet the kids are loving there new mother who's grown a pair!!

Bloody well done

When DH arrives home don't engage! Repeat 'I am a grown up and will make my own decisions'

As a side - any chance his family will race down tobyoi to sort out your 'marital' problems? (Hope not)

Eugh my in laws are like this. They all do everything together, way overinvested in each other's life. Luckily my dh thinks they are batshit as well so I don't have to put up with it. You have my sympathy OP, enjoy your time drama free, I think you have put up with enough over the years.

Is he only staying for one night?

Is MIL pursing her lips in disapproval?! 😂

I feel a bit sorry for him, do you feel he genuinely "loves" spending time with them at all costs?

He's spending travel time/ his own personal down time/ actual £ travelling 3 hours to babysit...... as a team!?!?
How many toddlers are there? 2/3 max surely not like 8?

Do you think he's been conditioned to feel this obligation to family over many years or does he actually really love it?

If he loves it, that's great, but he absolutely has to respect that you want to spend your free time as you wish, without any obligation or guilt trip.

If he doesn't respect that, that would really make me question my marriage.

Is he just very defensive of his family's "ways?" I'd understand that too but question his underlying feelings on the subject.

Do you think he'd be open to counselling to explore the issue? Would he put you and the DC above all else if it absolutely came down to the wire?

I still feel quite sorry for him, it sounds like this has been his whole life jumping when they click.

They sound bloody batcrap crazy Maggie you really are a saint for putting up with it for so long but good on you putting your own family first now. It sounds like exactly what's needed for the family dynamic.

I don't get it. Do they (and your DH) actially expect all of you, including your older DCs, to assist them on babysitting for the evening? Where would you all sleep afterwards?
Absolute madness!!!

Mild house is huge so we sleep there. It is madness, but it is collective madness and I have never been able to get dh to see it. Pp are right, he has a lot of FOG going on. I’ve been fighting this battle for 15 years and haven’t made a dent. Hence why just disengaging now to do my own thing. Honestly the feeling of freedom is heady bliss.

Is he home yet?

It's funny, I posted on this thread earlier this week. Just rang DM this morning, as I usually go round with DD.

In passing, after I prattled on, she told me "dad is in hospital, went in by ambulance in the night with chest pain"

I said did she want me to do anything, go and see him etc, but she doesn't want me to "make a fuss".

With best wishes to everyone who posted on this thread so far - I wasn't expecting to be in these circumstances today..

Ah lol my Dm was the same. ‘I don’t want to be any trouble.’
He is home, all sunbeams and rainbows. Like we never clashed! And I had a lovely night chatting to you lot

How strange the world didn't stop spinning just because you didn't dutifully tag along

Topcat sending you warm wishes, I hope everything turns out ok with your dad.

Maggie You've set the precedent - the hardest bit! I'd exoect a few more huffy 'fine then' comments the next few times then it will just become the norm.

The first time I 'let my no be no.' I felt so empowered I could have leapt tall buildings with a single bound.

Hi OP

You're probably asleep right now, but I hope he carried on being unicorns and rainbows.

Glad you had a nice time maggie

jesus flippin' christ.
i understand some cultures are indeed more geared towards family. is your DH indian, by any chance? i've worked with many indian families over the years and most of them didn't have lots of friends outside family and weekends were "extended family time".

i understand why you put up with it in the beginning, but if it were me this marriage would have been over ages ago. a man chasing me on the street because it is "a bad look to the rest of the clan for me to go off alone" in 2018 would drive me mental.

sending you a virtual hug and wishing you all the best for the future. you certainly have the patience of a saint and deserves it.

Aw OP, I've just seen this thread now and I am absolutely DELIGHTED that you put your foot down and stayed at home. Good for you :)
I have a similar DH that is way too close to his family, especially MIL. We've had a few minor rows over it in recent times as MIL is just becoming more and more demanding, and I can see a major row happening soon, either with DH or with MIL, but either way I've had enough of it too.

Cheers to you OP for 'rebelling'. Hope you really enjoyed that night to yourself

Thanks all. It is good i did rebel, just in time, because last night was utter ridiculousness.
My brother, who lives an hour away, called on Sat to say his wife has had to go overseas to see her dad, who is on his way out. My bro has two little ones under 5. I arranged, in consultation with DH, for us to go and spend the weekend with my bro next weekend and give him a hand. I haven’t seen him or my nieces for ages so it will be really nice.
DH had a catch up call with MIL last night, and mentioned our plan. Within 15 minutes of the call ending, SIL was on the phone to say she’d spoken to MIL and she is sorry but they are expecting us all down at theirs next weekend as great aunt such and such is visiting. WT actual, actual F. And instead of saying ‘no sorry we have already made a plan’, my DH goes ‘oh, well that changes things for us, we were going to see Maggie’s bro but i guess we’ll be seeing you instead.’
I just calmly said ‘I will be going to see brother as planned. DCs and you can come with me, or go to MILs - your choice.’ Honestly don’t mind which they choose to do.
DH sulking as he wants us all to be together and ‘it’s going to be an awkward conversation.’
Are these people on drugs?!

They're extremely controlling.

Your dh is sulking because he has the FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt.

Toxic families create this so they can control members.

They will hate that you're not toeing their lines anymore.

Expect a larger fallout from your actions. Your dh will be asked to choose. Again and again. And your dcs will be dragged into it.

They are mental, your in laws. And they will make life difficult. .

I thought my family were dysfunctional but this is next level.
And it is not a cultural thing - i am Irish, they are from our Southern Hemisphere country. My family emigrated when i was 16, have never encountered this here with anyone elese