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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a break from my ILs

193 replies

Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 05:43

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

OP posts:

smartiecake · 16/04/2018 15:08

Your H is ridiculous but I'm sure you are aware of this. I would find this completely suffocating. FGS you are entitled to have your own independent family life. Stick to your guns OP. They are all bonkers and your husband is obviously conditioned to think this is the norm for families. Never too late to re-write the family rules.

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 15:26

I now have a vision on mneters all over the world dragging their toes in preparation to charge...

Weezol · 16/04/2018 15:36

It can be useful to breathe quietly but heavily through your nose at the same time for added authenticity.

Hepzibar · 16/04/2018 18:47

Arapaima It's not to help out sister though, sis just wants them there because a great aunt is visiting!

OP how is he justifying that his family takes president over yours? And how on earth can he justify that supporting and helping your DBro is less important that a distant relative's visit?

He is incredibly selfish and sounds like he is going to be in for a shock when that fog lifts.

coconutpie · 16/04/2018 19:30

I would take your DC with you to your brother's house. I would bet that they would much prefer to spend time with their little cousins that they rarely see rather than go to that toxic hellhole.

The problem here is your husband. WTF? Have you had this out with him yet? I would say this:

"we agreed that we are going to help my brother with his two small children since his wife had to go overseas as her father his dying, his children's grandfather is dying and you think we should just abandon him and those children in their time of need because your SIL wants us to visit her because of some aunt visiting? Are you on fucking glue or something that you think this is remotely acceptable? If you think it is ok to fuck off to your sister's house again when my brother clearly needs us then go by yourself. I and my children are going to support my brother when he needs it most. I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself and see how selfish you are being to this family".

I'm actually enraged on your behalf. Your husband is a selfish twat.

Original poster

Maggiepryor · 16/04/2018 20:18

@coconutpie lol “are you on glue” I’ve been avoiding insisting that he visits with me this weekend as don’t want to treat him the way he treats me. We have had it out many times over the years, I can’t get through to him or get any sense out of him which I am beginning to think is a key symptom of FOG.

OP posts:

MapleLeafRag · 16/04/2018 20:35

Is it your MIL that is the elephant mother of the herd so every one had to obey her, or has SIL taken on this role and everyone had to jump to it when she “trumps”

RandomMess · 16/04/2018 20:38

I agree you shouldn't insist just state calmly how your DB is your family, they really need help and support over a close family bereavement and you're sticking to the arrangements you've already made.

coconutpie · 16/04/2018 20:51

Yes, you don't need to insist he comes with you. Tell him you and your children are sticking to the prior arrangements made and if he wants to go running to his sister's house like a little puppy then he is welcome to do so. I'd nearly tell him he can jolly well stay there and not come home. I can't believe he thinks it is acceptable. He doesn't give a shit about you or your family. Sorry you have to put up with this shit. I would actually stop visiting his family altogether from now on. He clearly has no regard for yours when they need you. So I would show him that same treatment. Take back control of the situation.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2018 22:59

One way to get someone out of the FOG is to stop trying to convince them there is fog and there are clear skies beyond, instead just behave in a non-FOG manner yourself, like you did at the weekend. Carry on not visiting PILs when you don't want to, no need for him to recognise the FOG. Eventually he will notice your breathing of the fresh air, how good you are on it, and maybe decide he wants some of that too.

Original poster

Maggiepryor · 17/04/2018 02:38

Haha @mapleleafrag trumpeting! Am going to set ringtone for ils numbers to an elephant call on my phone now!

It used to be mil making most of the running but sil had taken on a lot of it since she has had kids, tbh I think she and mil egg each other on.
@runrabbit I think you have nailed it, am feeling now like me participating in the FOG does dh no favours. Stepping out of it is amazing and hopefully he will follow. He is currently tying himself in knots trying to fit in my bro and great auntie, but every time he finds a solution mil and sil move the goal posts. Quite amazing how brazen their blocking moves are.

OP posts:

Motoko · 17/04/2018 08:23

It's not to help out sister though, sis just wants them there because a great aunt is visiting!

And I bet my house that great aunt was invited over in that 15 minutes between phone calls. It's quite astounding how he can't see that he's being manipulated, especially after He is currently tying himself in knots trying to fit in my bro and great auntie, but every time he finds a solution mil and sil move the goal posts. Quite amazing how brazen their blocking moves are.

According to them "family" is SO important, but only where it concerns their family. Op's family can get to fuck.

I don't know how you've put up with this for so long OP. I'd have chucked in the towel years ago, and I certainly wouldn't be continuing, even under your terms. It's quite obvious that you and your children are lower in your husband's priority than his family.

MapleLeafRag · 17/04/2018 12:07

What does SILs DH think of all this, does he go along with it for an easy life, and does his family get side-lined too?

Clutterbugsmum · 17/04/2018 12:20

DH time table for the weekend.

Friday after full week of work - drives 3 hours to MIL/SIL

Sat morning drives 4 hours to OP, children and BIL family

Sat Afternoon/evening drives 4 hours back to MIL

Sunday morning Drives 4 hours back to OP, children and BIL family

Sunday Afternoon/evening drives 1 hour home.

Later Sunday evening while OP is relaxing, DH says "oh, I don't know why I feel so tired this weekend". Mean while OP is talking about her and DC have had a lovely relaxing weekend playing with their cousins .

Appuskidu · 17/04/2018 19:12

but every time he finds a solution mil and sil move the goal posts.

What suggestions did he have and how did they then move the goal posts?

FizzyGreenWater · 18/04/2018 13:33

How is this working out OP?

Do you feel it would help to comment, albeit indirectly/amusedly, on the 'blocking' moves - to point it out in some way? That they don't so much want him to visit as not want him to spend time with YOUR side of the family?

TeeniefaeTroon · 23/04/2018 22:32

How did the weekend go?

Balibabe1 · 24/04/2018 08:29

I love the way mumsnet brought you clarity, I too have had some major revelations that after reading this forum confirm I’ve been manipulated into a quiet life, and yes the FOG has lifted. I’m championing you from the sidelines here.

Good luck 🍀

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