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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a break from my ILs

193 replies

Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 05:43

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 11/04/2018 08:21

Yes u could question his loyelty to you because he puts his families needs above your needs. Doesn’t consider your need to rest important.

Clutterbugsmum · 11/04/2018 08:38

Cross post holy mountain, he will sulk and question my loyalty

This has nothing to do with loyalty, and every thing to do with control of you and your children.

No one needs to rush 3 hours away for sickness, unless it's a serious illness, involving a hospital stay.

Normal family offer support over the phone for all of what you mentioned in your OP.

starryeyed19 · 11/04/2018 08:39

This sounds utterly exhausting, OP. I'm surprised you've stuck it out this long. And three hours?!

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 08:40

You are all giving good advice and making good points. All points I have made to show before, have stopped engaging with him on it as he does not want to listen. Am going to just pull back on the family stuff, as you often hear on mumsnet, no is a complete sentence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 08:42

Ack @clutterbugsmum yes the control! Sucks to be him though, trying to control me is like trying to control a cat!

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 11/04/2018 08:51

I have no time for this shit. I hate living in someone else’s pocket. We have MIL staying once a week at the moment and it’s just too much, I need to put a stop to it soon.

Like you, my family lives quite happily independently from each other, I speak to my parents 1-2 times a week, my siblings less often but we have a WhatsApp group where we might share small pieces of info or the occasional snap of the kids.

We don’t have a set routine of when we see each other, tends to be random sundays, birthdays, Easter/Xmas etc but wouldn’t necessarily know if, for example, my brother bought a new car until the next time I saw him. Can’t understand having to be involved in all big purchases by in laws etc. That would drive me bonkers.

BertrandRussell · 11/04/2018 08:55

How often do you see them/have contact with them?

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 09:15

@bertrandrussell contact is every day, would see one or more of them once a week or so

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 11/04/2018 10:19

I would absolutely hate that level of contact. I found it hard enough when my MIL was calling us every day and speaking to my DH for a whole hour. At least we don't see her more than 4 times a year as she lives too far away. She does stay for 4-5 days with us, and we see her at BIL and SIL's house occasionally.

My family relationships have been toxic, so I have very little contact with them, apart from DSis and her family. (Though they've moved a long way from us so we don't see them much now.)

I'm amazed you've stuck it out as long as you have tbh.

PercyPigAddict · 11/04/2018 17:17

They live three hours away and you al have to jump in the car and visit if one of them is made redunadant? What would happen if you had plans with your family, would DH respect that or insist you break the plans to visit his?

Leeds2 · 11/04/2018 18:00

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to stay home alone for the next visit. Not for every visit, as I think that would be unnecessarily rude given that you say they are nice people, just that your attendance shouldn't be taken as a give. And I would let the DC choose if they want to stay home with you, or go and visit their relatives.

BertrandRussell · 11/04/2018 18:28

Absolutely fine for you not to go. Up to your dp whether he goes or not.

topcat2014 · 11/04/2018 19:00

What do you do on 'redundancy' visits? All sit around staring blankly into space.

If, god forbid, I was made redundant (and I have come close over the years..) the last thing I would need is siblings turning up, needing to be entertained.

They would feel the same.

Agree, the only time I know someone is ill is when hospital is involved. DF recently didn't tell me about something till after the fact and he was back at home.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 19:40

@topcat2014 yep the last thing I want when the chips are down is a hoard of ils. Or even my own family. That has been the subject of some huge fights with dh over the years, including the time I miscarried. And the time I was diagnosed with pnd.
On the redundancy visit there was lots of comforting, outings to help my bil feel better etc. it is lovely for them, but full on.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 11/04/2018 19:47

Who is doing the 'work' involved in all this supporting his family ?

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 20:12

He does the heavy lifting. But we both work, and a lot gets done on the weekend that makes the week run smoothly. That can’t be done if we are off seeing his family, and the chaos of not being at home over the weekend falls to me to sort.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 11/04/2018 20:43

It genuinely sounds like you’re living a nightmare. I would lose a lot of respect for dh if he behaved like that

Appuskidu · 11/04/2018 20:53

Give us an example of what happens in one of these emergencies?

Do you get a phone call on a Monday saying there’s a crisis and they need you there on the Friday for example? Or do they always phone Friday at 4-wanting you there that night? Do they actually ask you to come or does your DH make that decision?

Am just trying to get an idea of how it all happens?

Are there other family members who live away who this happens to or just you?

Have you ever expressed to him that you don’t want to go? I would have thought it was a nightmare when your kids were little-did you ever complain?

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 20:58

Yep @ohfourfoxache I have lost respect, it has done a lot of damage to our marriage over the years. It’s fucking awful to admit to yourself that yr dh puts his family above your well-being. I could give a laundry list of stuff, inc post partum, when my dm died, when I was trying to come off prescription meds, where I have needed dh and some peace and quiet but his family has come first.
BUT, because of mumsnet, I have woken up! Somehow seeing it for what it is, which I would never have done if it wasn’t for this site, has freed me. Just freed me. It’s the best feeling. I know where my boundaries are, and I have a new lease on life because of it. New hobbies, losing weight and taking care of my appearance, new high powered job, i’m laughing. And great to get feedback on here that for the most part I am not being AIBU.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 21:03

@appuskidu it was a nightmare when my kids were little and I did complain. I’m ashamed I did not stand up for myself more. I had lost my Dm after dc1, and had bad pnd after dc2. I couldn’t find the strength to be the lone voice. An example would be, sil rings mil in tears on the Monday saying she can’t cope with small dcs anymore. Mil rings dh saying we are needed. Dh says, of course we will be there. And on the Friday, off we go, usually after a week of fighting.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 11/04/2018 22:32

How lovely for your SIL Hmm

I’m afraid it sounds like you’re at the very bottom of his priority list

Labradoodliedoodoo · 11/04/2018 22:42

Omg it’s all about them and their needs. You and your needs don’t matter one jot. Just expected to shut up and tow the line

Labradoodliedoodoo · 11/04/2018 22:43

Put your needs and your kids needs at the top

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 12/04/2018 03:12

The latest event is that dh wants me to finish work early this fri so we can go and babysit for bil while he and his wife go to a work do. Am in a new job, took extra leave at Easter for stuff involving his family and am NOT taking off early. I have meetings all of Friday arvo. Dh response ‘who books meetings on a Friday afternoon.’
He can fuck right off. Unless he physically appears at my building and tries to take me from a meeting (he won’t) it is not going to happen.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/04/2018 03:30

Sorry Maggie but he’s a bloody idiot.

Stand your ground. You could treat yourself to a lovely bottle of Wine when you get home on Friday and enjoy it in peace