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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a break from my ILs

193 replies

Maggiepryor · 11/04/2018 05:43

Married 15 years, three dcs. My family get on well but everyone is pretty independent and we do our own thing. DH family are very close, in each other’s pockets. They live 3 hours away.
Over the last 15 years, we have supported his family though every drama. Not interpersonal drama, just normal life drama. Every job offer, pregnancy announcement, career change, etc we have been physically and emotionally present for, as my Dh and they expect us to be.
It is what families do, but there is a marked difference between the way dhs family work, and mine. And now with my dcs quite a bit older than dh nephews and nieces, my career taking off and feeling like I’m coming out of those little kid years I just want a break. I no longer want to jump in the car at a moments notice and rush en masse to a pil, bill or sil because there has been a redundancy, house move, sickness, major purchase or major life decision that requires our presence. I don’t want to spend my weekends babysitting toddlers so sil and bil can have a break. I’m exhausted and drained. Dh and the dcs can still be fully involved but I want a back seat for a while. AIBU?

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 15/04/2018 22:20

Well done Maggie, you handled it brilliantly. Now you can just repeat as necessary Wink

RandomMess · 15/04/2018 22:26

Utter bonkers ConfusedAngry

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/04/2018 22:28

Wow. They (including your DH) are a bit batshit I'm afraid.

How do your DC feel about the enmeshment and expectation? Have you brainwashed them (as your DH might put it)/got them to see sense (as normal people might put it)?!

It sounds rather like your DH is annoyed at you for having your own birth family, in the most recent update. How UR of you Hmm

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 15/04/2018 22:35

Wow op. They say “jump”, he says “how high?”. Sorry

BewareOfDragons · 15/04/2018 22:39

Wow. Just wow.

I would have let my DH have it if he sat there and changed plans to see your family (for once, when they are in need due to someone dying!) because his sister said so.

What.An.Arse.

Tell him he should just move back home. That's clearly where he wants to be. But tell him he'll be going alone.

Weezol · 15/04/2018 22:43

I am in trouble with the cat for saying 'Fucks sake' out loud while reading your last update and waking her up at this time of night (10.30pm) on a Sunday.

Are they a cult? Does an older family member talk about the end of days? Are they stockpiling canned goods, chemical fertiliser and rifles for when it all goes bad?

Sweet baby Jesus and all his angels, these people have had a look at batshit barmy and decided it's too lightweight for them and moved straight on to fucking nuts.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 15/04/2018 22:48

Lol @weezol no but they do refuse to use microwaves and think babyseats are too nanny state (i wish i was kidding but i am not).
Am amusing myself by narrating their behaviour in a David Attenborough voice ‘The herd are spooked. One of their number has headed off in another direction...a bull is sent to corral her back in place.’

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2018 23:07

They’re selfish and bloody nasty Shock

How on Earth have you had the patience to deal with this shit?

WhiteFreesias · 15/04/2018 23:11

Imagine if you expected your DH to do as much with your family as you do with with his?

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 15/04/2018 23:30

@ohfourfoxache honestly until i found mumsnet i thought the problem was me. I think the FOG got to me. Mumsnet woke me the fuck up.
I am also very homesick, esp since DM died, and having a place to come and chat and hear Irish, English and Scottish voices is massively comforting. I feel like i am myself, properly, for the first time in many many years. If i had found mumsnet earlier i think i would have left my marriage by now. It is actually in a good place believe it or not, much easier now dcs are older.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 15/04/2018 23:39

Yes Mumsnet is great for clearing the FOG Maggie.

Weezol · 15/04/2018 23:42

Did a big snort at the Attenborough reference. 'The matriarch of the group is asserting her dominance in the face of a challenge from a younger female. While much of this is display and posturing behaviour, these fights can, and do, come down to sudden violent confrontations in which the looser rapidly slides down the group rankings'

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 15/04/2018 23:47

@weezol snorting coffee out my nose!
“The younger female’s mate is torn. Instinct tells him he should support his mate, but the matriarch’s sway over the herd is strong. He settles for munching some grass, leaving the two females to battle it out.”

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2018 23:56

I know the feeling. Sometimes it takes comments from people who are totally outside of a situation to make you realise how abnormal it is

emmyrose2000 · 15/04/2018 23:58

my DH goes ‘oh, well that changes things for us, we were going to see Maggie’s bro but i guess we’ll be seeing you instead
ShockConfusedAngry

Your biggest problem here is your husband, but I think you know that already.

Weezol · 16/04/2018 00:01

'The rest of the herd are shifting nervously. It is many, many years since a challenge has occured. In that time the matriarch may have become complacent and so is unaware of her vulnerability to attack from a younger, fitter female'

I really must go to bed now, but I propose a coping strategy for whenever the IL's are mentioned. Gently drag your toes across the floor a couple of times. This will either go unnoticed or can be dismissed as an itch. We know you are pawing the ground preparing to charge.

Original poster
Maggiepryor · 16/04/2018 00:12

Haha, will do! Goodnight Smile

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 16/04/2018 00:18

munching some grass

Love it!!!!!

Well done for saying it straight and meaning it!

Clutterbugsmum · 16/04/2018 06:56

Time to get busy and organise some fun/family things to do with you and you dc's for the next few months.

The only way your DH is going to change is for you to change and to stop just agreeing with him and trotting off to his because someone sneezed.

Motoko · 16/04/2018 10:21

I think your children should go with you. It would be a shame for them to miss out on seeing their little cousins from your side of the family. They see their other cousins all the time.

Andro · 16/04/2018 11:42

DH sulking as he wants us all to be together and ‘it’s going to be an awkward conversation.’

Nothing awkward about it at all! Clearly they are all about family - to a scarily enmeshed level - so given how important family is to them, your DH can just explain that your SiL is away and you have gone to support your brother.

At least, that would work if they retain ANY sense of perspective...

Arapaima · 16/04/2018 13:18

So what's your DH planning to do this weekend? I can't believe he is so enmeshed in this that he can't see the unfairness of cancelling your bro to help out (again) his sis!!

Weezol · 16/04/2018 13:30

It's going to be an awkward conversation for him. Not your problem. It's his problem for being a twat and letting you and your family down over plans already made at a time they are in genuine need.
I would really struggle to continue like this.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 16/04/2018 14:24

It's not just a question of "seeing" your bro next weekend, you had agreed to provide childcare for a relative in need and are acting as a support network for a relative. Play them at their own family game Wink. Well done on standing up to them OP.

GabriellaMontez · 16/04/2018 15:08

Wow. He really didn't hear you did he.

Incredible response to his sister!

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