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Original poster

Not paying for wedding guests

229 replies

pleasingeveryone · 10/04/2018 12:07

Hi all,

Me and DP have a 7 month old baby and got engaged last year.

We are planning our wedding and when we've looked into it all we actually just want something small and intimate.

We are in the process of moving home and having a small baby, we are short on cash. Me and DP are planning on marrying next summer in Spain (legal part here, blessing with us two and DC out there).

Are we cheeky in saying to our close family and very few closest friends that there is no "formal" invite. They are all welcome to attend but would need to pay themselves.

Is this extremely cheeky? Or are we best just saying, me and DP are going to get married and leave it at that?

OP posts:
ObiJuanKenobi · 10/04/2018 18:10

I think you're better off just having your 'legal bit' done here plus maybe a small intimate dinner with close friends and fam and then go on honeymoon with your husband.

Don't include other people if you're not catering for them.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 18:10

'I've never heard of someone having a wedding where they do not provide their guests with food as a minimum.'

I've been to a few that were potluck BBQ's, but the couple did lay on meats and beer and wine. And we didn't even have to go abroad for it!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2018 18:16

Just be upfront, that there will be no meal or wedding party, and that guests will have to pay their way.

CadyHeron · 10/04/2018 18:29

Aeroflot, it's not even a wedding either though, they did the wedding back here in the UK and then having an after party abroad with no food and just nibbles. So is it we've already got married, but you can come on holiday with us (honeymoon, then?) and we'll have some nibbly bits and a glass of wine? That'd be a no from me, sorry. Seriously, tell people it's not a wedding otherwise people are likely going to be put out to find out you've already done it and they're basically just on holiday with you!

sheworebluevelet · 10/04/2018 18:40

We are doing similar although providing food at the destination abroad.

I thought that most people would think it's a waste of money going. Nope. Everyone we've invited has said they'll attend. We are way over mumbers now.

hibbledibble · 10/04/2018 18:52

What is nibbles and drinks op? If that is just canapes then yes, yabu, especially if guests are travelling all the way to Spain.

Either don't invite guests if money is so tight, or you need to have a meal for the guests as a minimum (a buffet is fine). It's rude to not feed your guests.

Chathamhouserules · 10/04/2018 18:54

I think if you're 'sort of' inviting people to your ceremony abroad then you need to cater for them in a bigger way than drinks and nibbles. To say thanks for coming over. Otherwise just keep abroad to close family.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 18:55

'Everyone we've invited has said they'll attend. '

Lots do, then pull out nearer to the time because it costs too much.

snowagain · 10/04/2018 19:20

@ReversingSnail

Throw a post-wedding party for your friends when you get home instead?

The OP isn't going to do this. She isn't going to spend money on others. Hmm

She says she has no money to spend on folk, but is managing to have her wedding in Spain. Wink

As she wants to invite people 'at their own cost,' she should go ahead, but don't expect barely anyone to go. I wouldn't.

I have a deep rooted loathing for people who get married abroad, especially when they are BOTH British. I mean, WTF? WHY? What are they trying to prove? Confused

They can't be to bothered about people going, or they wouldn't have it abroad... I would hate to treat the people close to me like this. 'Yeah come to my wedding, but it's in SPAIN, and you have pay for the whole trip yourself. For you AND your family.' Hmm

And don't anyone call me 'narrow-minded' (like someone said earlier in the thread.) It's not narrow minded to not want to spend a 1.5 to 2 grand, on going to someone's wedding 1000's of miles away.

My friend's cousin had his wedding in Cuba - fucking CUBA! It was going to cost people around 2 grand per person for the trip. Unsurprisingly, the only ones who went were his parents and her parents, and the bride and groom, And HER little sister who was a 'flower girl.' SEVEN people at their wedding. I have more people at a Sunday afternoon barbecue in the summer every other week!

What a miserable, shit wedding that must have been. I reckon I'd have more fun at a fucking funeral.

Freetodowhatiwant · 10/04/2018 19:28

For my wedding in spain we had 80 guests over from England and other parts of the world and they all had a blast! And it was child-free. Only one person couldn’t make it and everyone said it was one of the best weddings they had been to. I guess you yourself know who your friends and family are and what they enjoy. Do make sure you cater for them after the service though.

willynillypie · 10/04/2018 19:30

"I have a deep rooted loathing for people who get married abroad, especially when they are BOTH British. I mean, WTF? WHY? What are they trying to prove? confused

They can't be to bothered about people going, or they wouldn't have it abroad... I would hate to treat the people close to me like this. 'Yeah come to my wedding, but it's in SPAIN, and you have pay for the whole trip yourself. For you AND your family.' hmm

And don't anyone call me 'narrow-minded' (like someone said earlier in the thread.) It's not narrow minded to not want to spend a 1.5 to 2 grand, on going to someone's wedding 1000's of miles away."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

THIS

EmiliaAirheart · 10/04/2018 20:20

snowagain, I’m with you all the way that destination weddings are outrageously selfish, but you’re flat out wrong that a very small wedding is necessarily ‘miserable and shit’.

GreenTulips · 10/04/2018 20:37

I reckon I'd have more fun at a fucking funera

LOL depends who died

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 20:40

For my wedding in spain we had 80 guests over from England and other parts of the world and they all had a blast!

But that was an actual wedding? Followed by drinks and food and fun? You didn't say to people " hey if you want you can come to spain and watch us do a blessing and there might be some cheap cava and olives?"

LoveProsecco · 10/04/2018 20:41

I think it's acceptable to invite people to a destination wedding but not a destination blessing. I know of a few people invited to "weddings" in Spain who were angry after spending lots of money to realise it was actually a blessing. Some of those people realised that either no-one was invited to the wedding or selected people.

GreenMeerkat · 10/04/2018 20:45

It's fine OP. People are (bizarrely) really arsey about weddings in here.

It's your wedding, do it how you want. If your friends want to come, they will, if not then they won't.

You don't have to spend a fortune on a wedding to please other people.

ReversingSnail · 10/04/2018 21:23

If you are providing zero in the way of accommodation, hospitality and food, then the people you ask to attend are not your "guests". A drink and nibbles alone don't count, it's little more than you'd be given on the flight to Spain. They certainly aren't "wedding guests" as it isn't a wedding either.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 21:29

It's fine OP. People are (bizarrely) really arsey about weddings in here

Nothing bizarre about it, and its not a wedding!

nerversaynever · 10/04/2018 21:29

I find this bizarre, really bizarre. You think that your friends/ family might want to pay hundreds of pounds, maybe more and use the annual leave to travel abroad and you won't even be providing them with a meal and some entertainment!

If you are so short of money why are you getting married abroad? You could just have a meal after the registry office in a local village hall if you wanted to have a budget wedding/ reception.
Not everyone has a honeymoon once they already have DC(s).

You seem to be planning everyone to suit yourselves and then asking your guests to fund your choice. Probably better to invite just immediate family who are unlikely to mind as much.

BuntyII · 10/04/2018 21:37

No money for wedding = destination wedding and everyone else can spend a fortune too

You couldn't make it up Confused

Just go to Gretna green or something

Uniglo18 · 10/04/2018 22:00

You are skint so you're having a destination wedding as well as a registry

You want something intimate so why not stick to the registry with two witnesses?

You are having a destination wedding and the whole circus show for the pretty pictures afterwards but don't want to provide hospitality to your guests.

You're probably expecting your guests to give you a cash gift but you're not willing to provide them with a drink and a meal.

And you're asking if you're being cheeky? I can think of another word after cheeky.

MrsCatE · 10/04/2018 22:21

OP. YANBU!!! I have no idea why your initial posts have attracted such vitriol. Perhaps jealousy??! Flee OP, flee!! Or, on other hand do what ever the f×*, you want to and leave evil MNs behind. Best of luck and, oh yes, congrats on birth of DC!

Americantan · 10/04/2018 22:25

Why are you bothering with a blessing in Spain when you’ll already be married? Family holiday post legal ceremony sounds fine as you have a kid so will be grateful for the extra help/babysitting but I don’t understand the rest. Is the blessing for insta pics hence you want a crowd?

MrsCatE · 10/04/2018 22:35

Please people, stop being so horrible and attaching your own issues to OP's original posts? This is vile behaviour to a new mum. I'm new so don't know how to get MN to delete this load of nastiness.

Americantan · 10/04/2018 22:37

MrsCat it’s posted in AIBU. But you already know that.

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