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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not paying for wedding guests

229 replies

pleasingeveryone · 10/04/2018 12:07

Hi all,

Me and DP have a 7 month old baby and got engaged last year.

We are planning our wedding and when we've looked into it all we actually just want something small and intimate.

We are in the process of moving home and having a small baby, we are short on cash. Me and DP are planning on marrying next summer in Spain (legal part here, blessing with us two and DC out there).

Are we cheeky in saying to our close family and very few closest friends that there is no "formal" invite. They are all welcome to attend but would need to pay themselves.

Is this extremely cheeky? Or are we best just saying, me and DP are going to get married and leave it at that?

OP posts:

MrsCatE · 10/04/2018 16:33

'not' require 8 day etc.

fruitbrewhaha · 10/04/2018 16:35

*LagunaBubbles

Most people here in the UK get married and have the celebration on the same day. Its very unusual not to.

Most yes, but I've been to 3 where the celebration wasn't the legal marriage. One, I knew before the day as it was outside in a wood type of do. One I found out on the day as it was mentioned they had to go to a registry office in the week before, and the other I think someone mentioned some time after.

I did not think "oh what a waste of my time, it's not the legal bit, I've been duped, I wouldn't have bothered"

Having a cheap wedding in the uk could be a bit shite. I knees up in the pub with a reasonably price lunch is a bit ordinary. Where as a do in spain will be something a bit different, the sun will be shining which make a huge difference, you can get great food at a much cheaper rate, sit outside all night under the stars, drinking much cheaper booze.

LagunaBubbles · 10/04/2018 16:35

MrsCatE, she hasnt clarified what is happening for the guests after the blessing.

Lweji · 10/04/2018 16:39

Yes, the issue is that the OP isn't hosting a party for guests after her blessing.
She'd be inviting people to attend her blessing.

Just don't invite anyone. Have a small gathering for parents and siblings and leave it at that.

LagunaBubbles · 10/04/2018 16:42

fruit So when most people have a legal ceremony and party/celebration on the same day I dont think its weird to think the way I do about a blessing abroad, thats all. In the 3 celebrations you went to that werent actual weddings were any of them abroad? Doing that in the UK is completely different from travelling abroad.

Not everyone would think a wedding in Spain would be better than a wedding in the UK just because of the weather. Food may well be cheaper - but thats not relevant if the guests are expected to pay for it all themselves, as OP has been a bit vague so far about this - despite people repeatedly asking her - this is still unclear.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 16:43

'The only part of your plan I think is unreasonable is the guilt tripping invite to friends. Not saying that's your intention but it puts them in the position of having to say no to what is a half hearted invitation with no proper hospitality offered (for friends you ought to be offering at least one full meal on the day and I'd say also at the beginning and end of the week).'

This! 'Money's tight and we can't afford a wedding, but you can afford to pay to watch our fake wedding abroad.'

ReversingSnail · 10/04/2018 16:44

You might as well write a cheesy poem and ask all your friends and family to give you 20 quid each to pay towards a bigger registry office and getting fish and chips delivered afterwards. Way cheaper than each person forking out to attend an overseas honeymoon! TBH I think nearly everyone, if they could afford to travel abroad, would rather spend on a trip to a place of their own choosing.

AhNowTed · 10/04/2018 16:54

Would you like to travel to Spain, book flights, hotel and transport, use your annual leave, to attend a blessing, not a wedding or do, and we're only providing nibbles so you'll need to sort your own catering.

Hardly warrants an actual invite does it.

May as well ask a few mates to go on holiday with the blessing as an afterthought.

ReversingSnail · 10/04/2018 16:54

So any occasion can now be identified as the "real wedding" if the couple says so?

AlpacaLypse · 10/04/2018 17:00

Yanbu, I'd be happy to be asked if I'd like to tie up a holiday with your plans. I do think you need to make it crystal clear what the blessing day and party afterwards will consist of - drinks, food, entertainment... I imagine you will be paying for these bits but best to make it 100% clear as one thing that's obvious from this thread is that quite a lot of people don't read things properly and make assumptions!

As a matter of fact I've frequently made a long weekend of it with weddings if they're an overnight stay sort of distance, taken the opportunity to do some sightseeing etc, this is just an extension of the same idea.

Teacuphiccup · 10/04/2018 17:01

that's obvious from this thread is that quite a lot of people don't read things properly and make assumptions!

Where has the op saying they are providing a meal or a do?

Jaxhog · 10/04/2018 17:03

For goodness sake everyone! Not every wedding has to be a big, expensive do with a load of freeloading friends expecting to be treated to a slap up meal and endless booze.

I'd hope her friends might go to Spain because she's their friend, not because she's paying for catering! I'm betting that everyone will club together and pay to join them in a nice celebratory dinner after the alfresco ceremony.

Teacuphiccup · 10/04/2018 17:07

Of course not every wedding has to be a big slap up meal.

But if you can’t afford that you can’t expect your guests to fork out to go to Spain and not even get fed.

I’ve been to lots of lovely little weddings, even some where I haven’t been fed but they didn’t cost anything for me to attend either.

LagunaBubbles · 10/04/2018 17:10

For goodness sake everyone! Not every wedding has to be a big, expensive do with a load of freeloading friends expecting to be treated to a slap up meal and endless booze

I don't think it's freeloading to expect to be fed at a wedding celebration. I would have never considered not feeding my guests, none of which I look on as freeloaders either. And it wasnt a big expensive do.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 17:10

Oh, I'm sure loads of people will fall over themselves to use up their annual leave, pay hundreds of pounds or more to go abroad to watch a fake wedding. And use their leftover change to buy the couple dinner into the bargain.

fruitbrewhaha · 10/04/2018 17:12

LagunaBubbles

The 3 I referred to were in the UK. I've also been to 2 weddings abroad, which I'm guessing weren't legal but I'd never thought about it before.

It's just occurred to me I've also been to a hindu ceremony, that wouldn't have been legal either I don't think?

And yes, it is still vague. I think what the OP is doing is fine if she's organising and paying for a spanish shindig. Lots of seafood, outdoor disco, plentiful rioja. If there's no party/tapas, it's a crap idea.

Butterymuffin · 10/04/2018 17:31

this appears to be a lot better value for money/cheaper than doing a party here and having a honeymoon.

Cheaper / better value for who? Not the guests.

The cheapest way to do it for both you and your guests would be to say 'look, we're pretty skint so we're going to get married at the registry office at (last possible slot in the day) and then go to a restaurant. We can't afford to pay for people but if you'd like to join us for a celebration meal, we'd be delighted'.

Cost of this plan to guests: paying for their own meal out, and possibly a day / half day's leave depending on how local they are. Acceptable to many people

Cost of your plan to guests: flights to Spain, accommodation for at least a few days, meals, entertainments. Plus having to use annual leave on the holiday someone else has chosen, not the one they'd pick themselves. A lot more of an imposition.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 17:31

For goodness sake everyone! Not every wedding has to be a big, expensive do with a load of freeloading friends expecting to be treated to a slap up meal and endless booze

No one said it did. It does though have to be a) a wedding and b) have some semblance of hospitality for the guests.

deadringer · 10/04/2018 17:37

Op has been very vague and rude to people who took the time to reply. It is perfectly clear that the ceremony is here with no guests, and a blessing abroad with family, we get it. What isn't clear is what she is going to offer friends who go to a lot of expense to be at her blessing. Is she offering a meal, a party , what? It is very hard to offer an opinion on whether she should ask friends to attend if she doesn't clarify if there will be any thing at all laid on for them.

ClareB83 · 10/04/2018 17:44

OP I would take the money you were going to spend on prosecco and nibbles in Spain and spend it on the same at a bar in the UK the day of your legal ceremony.

If I was you though I would actually upgrade to a bigger registry office room and have people come to that too. It's only a few hundred pounds more at most Registry offices and you'll probably find the gifts you get will cover this anyway. But if the risk of that extra expense is too much I'd stick with my suggestion above.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable to say 'we're unwilling to spend money on our wedding but would you like to spend a few hundred coming to Spain?'. It's just a bit disproportionate asking people to spend the same on your wedding that you're spending. I know they don't have to come but by inviting them you are at a minimum saying you think it's a reasonable thing to do.

AJPTaylor · 10/04/2018 17:48

I wouldnt complicate it by inviting friends. Just say you are having a family only affair abroad.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 17:53

Good rule of thumb: never ask anyone to pay more for your wedding than you are paying!

CadyHeron · 10/04/2018 17:54

So you're getting married here, then going abroad for what sounds just like a holiday. Seems weird for friends to come too, you've already got married and I presume they're coming to that if it's in the UK.

CadyHeron · 10/04/2018 17:56

Sorry, just seen you're not inviting guests to your wedding. So why would they come on holiday with you for what's basically an after wedding party?! I don't get it, is this a thing?! You're already married at that point!

willynillypie · 10/04/2018 18:07

Op has specifically said "where have I said I'm not providing bubbly and nibbles" - this implies that bubbly and nibbles is ALL that is being provided, for everyone trying to say there will be a meal or entertainment!

I've never heard of someone having a wedding where they do not provide their guests with food as a minimum.

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