Not paying for wedding guests

[pleasingeveryone]

Hi all,

Me and DP have a 7 month old baby and got engaged last year.

We are planning our wedding and when we've looked into it all we actually just want something small and intimate.

We are in the process of moving home and having a small baby, we are short on cash. Me and DP are planning on marrying next summer in Spain (legal part here, blessing with us two and DC out there).

Are we cheeky in saying to our close family and very few closest friends that there is no "formal" invite. They are all welcome to attend but would need to pay themselves.

Is this extremely cheeky? Or are we best just saying, me and DP are going to get married and leave it at that?

Well if you think it’s fine do it.
Don’t ask what people think if you’ve already decided it’s fine.

saves a HUGE amount of money on the "wedding" abroad because the legal bit is expensive if you want to do it somewhere other than a registry office.

See now this is where people have problems, me included. It saves a HUGE amount of money for the bride and groom because costs all the guests a HUGE amount of money instead! You can then argue that people don't have to pay and go but if it is your child or your sister or brother or best friend then they feel like they have no choice as otherwise they don't get to be part of the wedding. That's the honest truth and that is why people think it is cheeky.

OP, I think if you get married abroad anyone you invite would fully expect to pay for their own flights & accommodation. However, most would also expect there to be a celebration of some sort afterwards, be it a meal or a full on reception (with music etc) I think it's this part that you're not being very clear on. Will you be having a celebration after the ceremony in Spain? and if so, will you be funding that? If yes then I can see absolutely no issue with inviting friends and wider family. Give them the date and let them work it out themselves. Congrats and have a lovely wedding

I'm not sure what exactly else I can say to explain but I'm AMAZED how many people find it hard to understand that people do legals here and marrry elsewhere

Oh its not hard to understand. But what you call "the legals" is you legally getting married. So you cant "marry elsewhere" if you are already married. Obviously it s up to people to decide if its worth travelling for a "blessing". But its not a wedding.

I think this thread has been confusing. OP, you didn't make it clear what you were organizing or paying for.

Lots of people marry abroad or in unlicensed buildings, they therefore have to do the legal marriage in a registry office, with a couple of witnesses. It doesn't mean the 'wedding' is a non event, just not legal.

Lots of people marry abroad, I've been to some, it has not occurred to me that it's not the 'real wedding'.

Yes the guest pay for their own flights and accommodation. They can come for the weekend, or stay for a week and make it a holiday.

No one would expect you to pay for flights/hotel. As you have updated that you will be paying a for a 'do' that is perfect. When I've been invited I've been really happy to go, it's always fun, a wedding in the sunshine, a big group to hang out with and socialise, perhaps even some nanna/grandads to babysit.

Invite your friends, some won't be able to come, but I'm sure they would all love to.

The only part of your plan I think is unreasonable is the guilt tripping invite to friends. Not saying that's your intention but it puts them in the position of having to say no to what is a half hearted invitation with no proper hospitality offered (for friends you ought to be offering at least one full meal on the day and I'd say also at the beginning and end of the week).

Keep it small, family only who you can also enjoy the full holiday with. If this was a sibling of mine I'd be happy to book it as our family holiday for the year and pay towards a meal and offer babysitting services as a Wedding present.

CowesTwo We had a register office wedding and it was two witnesses and no additional guests. That's the basic package in most.

You could pay extra to have ceremony rooms which allowed 12 or 50+ guests but at the time these were being renovated so they were only offering the ceremony room for a couple of months (which suited us as we had the adult DC as witnesses and they 'allowed' the little DC as extras as they were on knees/didn't need a chair)

In answer to OP if you are inviting friends to join your celebratory holiday I think it would be unreasonable not to cover a meal as the bare minimum.

I've been to weddings abroad where the couple have had the legal ceremony already in the UK but it was a 'proper wedding' with the bride walking down the aisle, sit down meal and full drinks package etc. Each wedding cost us a fortune as it meant paying for flights/accommodation/outfits/gifts etc in a place and at a time of the couples choosing (obviously) however we really wanted to be there and the couples made lots of effort to provide a lovely day for the guests to enjoy. One of the weddings the couple had huge BBQ/pool party the following day in their villa for all the guests so it meant two days of the holiday (wedding day plus BBQ day) were no spend days for guests as it was otherwise a very expensive place to stay/eat in

Seems very complicated tbh!

Just invite people to the ceremony in the UK formally. Then tell individual friends who might be interested that you're having a blessing in Spain, but that this isn't the formal part. Tell them they're welcome to join you, but this isn't a formal wedding as such.

Obviously it s up to people to decide if its worth travelling for a "blessing". But its not a wedding.

That's such a weird way of seeing it

The only part of your plan I think is unreasonable is the guilt tripping invite to friends.

Holy projection, Batman!

That's such a weird way of seeing it

Why?

It's not a weird way of seeing it at all

I dont think its weird - I may travel somewhere I might not want to go to or choose for a holiday at considerable expense if it was an actual wedding - but wouldnt consider it if it wasnt a real wedding. Which this wont be if OP is already married.

I am going to a wedding abroad of a good friend and am happy to pay for flight and hotel as they are actually getting married there and having a reception with food and drink I wouldn't go for a blessing and no reception but if your friends are up for it...

We have researched and you can't buy wedding packages through a well known holiday provider which includes the costs of the service, bubbly, food etc (varying in which venue it is/what package you choose).

It’s still not clear- what is happening after the blessing? A sit down meal and a disco?

I don’t think people are struggling to understand the concept of a blessing abroad not being a legal marriage, they’re struggling to understand what you’re inviting your friends too in Spain

Jings Not really, it seems clear the OP and her DP can't afford to invite friends as they aren't able to lay on more than a glass of bubbly as part of a package with the blessing. Not enough if friends have paid to travel to Spain. In which case own that and take the decision themselves to keep it to family.

Don't put other people in the position of having to say no when they can see you can't really afford to have them there in the first place. Close family may have been paying towards the wedding/honeymoon anyway so will likely be happy to do it this way but it's not reasonable to ask the same of friends.

Where have I said I'm not providing bubbly and nibbles. I have said they'll pay flights and hotel. Don't call me a CF without reading the thread

What you said was hey are all welcome to attend but would need to pay themselves and only when repeatedly pressed said there would be "some sort of do after". But you didn't say what or whether you intended to pay.

You were very vague and didn't actually answer people, so I'd be less bloody rude if I were you. And a lot clearer to anyone you invite!

I'm not sure what exactly else I can say to explain but I'm AMAZED how many people find it hard to understand that people do legals here and marrry elsewhere

They don't find it hard to understand, its you and your vagueness that people rightly don't understand.

What is it, exactly, that you would be inviting people to come for?

Where I live you pay £200 odd for the ceremony regardless of whether there are two witnesses or 50 guests.

Ive been to many foreign weddings. We have always paid for ourselves (flights, hotels etc), but have been given dinners/lunches and entertainments.

To clarify because it's clearly not sinking in.

If it's not sinking in, OP, it's because you are still not answering some important questions.Most importantly, what is happening after the ceremony and who is paying for that?

OP, you're being incredibly sassy because most people are pointing out that this is a pretty unreasonable idea - if you didn't want to hear a differing opinion to your own, why did you fucking ask?

I agree with everyone saying I would most certainly NOT pay to go to Spain to see a blessing and having fucking nibbles! NIBBLES!?!?! I have to pay for flights and hotel for 2+ to get given some olives and ham!?!?!? WTF.

I'm not a huge fan of destination weddings at the best of times because it's a huge financial ask of guests that doesn't make sense unless one of the party is actually FROM the country in question, but this is by far the most ridiculous destination "wedding" I've ever heard of.

I think not many would be fussed about going to Spain just to see someone say it's nice you've got married.
Surely room for some people important to you when you actually get married, then the Spanish holiday and blessing to yourselves would be nicer for you.

OP, biting the head off people because you didn't explain properly probably isn't the best way to address question.

You didn't say what exactly you were paying for! You still haven't, really.

But just do what you bloody well want! People can either decide they want to go on holiday with you, or not. Job done.

LagunaBubbles

Because people have been having marriage ceremonies long before there was a legally defined marriage.

The cultural function of ceremony is to bring people together and to add weight to an event. A marriage, witnessed by your families, community and your God, is a ritual and a celebration. Traditionally all you knew would be invited, family members in villages some distance would travel to the event, the bride's family would spend a small fortune on providing a feast, slaughtering their best livestock, perhaps a bit of showing off your wealth.

It's this event that is the important part. The standing in front of all the people your know and respect, which adds weight to a marriage ceremony. It's the same psychology of telling everyone you are dieting/training for something/giving something up. If you make a huge deal out of it, you are less likely to fail.