Not paying for wedding guests

[pleasingeveryone]

Hi all,

Me and DP have a 7 month old baby and got engaged last year.

We are planning our wedding and when we've looked into it all we actually just want something small and intimate.

We are in the process of moving home and having a small baby, we are short on cash. Me and DP are planning on marrying next summer in Spain (legal part here, blessing with us two and DC out there).

Are we cheeky in saying to our close family and very few closest friends that there is no "formal" invite. They are all welcome to attend but would need to pay themselves.

Is this extremely cheeky? Or are we best just saying, me and DP are going to get married and leave it at that?

Yes yabvu, your friends really don't care that much about your blessing.

What you are effectively doing is inviting people to go on and pay for the same holiday as you and at some point spend half an hour of it watching your blessing. You won't even be paying for a glass of bubbly and some nibbles after the event? You're so short of cash that you won't be providing anything for the guests, but not too short of cash to have a holiday in Spain.

My response to your invitation would be No Thanks.

I think it's fine. You're not forcing people to be there, you're offering people the choice. You say you will have some kind of "do" after, I think the politest thing to do, would be to plan something for at least 4 or 5 hours. Something long enough for people to feel like it was worthwhile going.

If I could afford it I would go and I would have no qualms over whether there was or wasn't a do afterwards but I know some people would.

What you spend on the do may equate to the cost of a party in the UK (in fact a UK party might be cheaper) so you may want to consider that. We had a registry office wedding with our closest family and then a party with our friends and family a few weeks later. I am so pleased we did it that way. It saved us an absolute fortune and everyone had a great time.

"Of course there'll be some sort of do after"

What sort of do though? Will food and drink be included for guests?

Or is it "We're going to a restaurant and any guests have to pay for themselves".

You have to be clear.

I don't see the point in inviting friends if you're not going to have a proper wedding. I wouldn't arrange a holiday around a friend's 'blessing' - what's the point?

Do you actually want your friends there or is it more of a "don't mind if they turn up"? I'm not sure you'll have many takers. I would not go on someone else's holiday to witness what isn't the wedding.

Just leave it, you don't even know what you're having
Who travels for "some sort of do"?

Now I've heard it all, the destination wedding that's not even a wedding! What exactly is the point? Your wedding is here, the Spanish part is your honeymoon. So you invite your family to the wedding here and then you go off on your honeymoon with your spouse. Sorted.

That definitely can be the case Bluelady. Mine was 2 witnesses only, or it cost £300 more.

This all sounds a bit disorganised, a wedding do in a register office where you can invite all your friends and family, so you are only having two friends come, then a blessing cum honeymoon, where you are inviting every man and his dog, but no party, no food etc, sounds horrific!

Either have a party or don’t. Then once you have decided where to have your celebration, invite people.

Your less likely to get people fly to Spain, pay for flights, hotel and food for a week on top of new clothes, gifts etc. so don’t expect many to attend.

I wouldn’t fly to another country for a blessing, massive waste of my time and money. I would attend a reg office do.

I had the same though as expat, surely the Spain part is a honeymoon for you, your partner and your baby. Everyone else can come to the registry office and see you get married (there is no way the registry office will only allow 2 people to witness your wedding). You cannot use the excuse that you have a small baby and are moving to expect your guests to pay for your idea of a wedding.

I think as long as you make it clear that the real wedding will have already taken place in the UK and that friends are just being invited to a five minute blessing at their own expense then that is fine.

But no, thats not your wedding. The registry office is. There's no point inviting people to it regardless of whether it's rude or not. (Imo not rude to not pay for flights and accommodation, so long as you're hosting a reception after. Thats just a destination wedding, irritating but normal).

Just have the wedding at home with guests there.

the destination wedding that's not even a wedding!

Yep in a nutshell

I wouldn't go either. I would feel awkward being in someone's else's honeymoon. Bump into them on the beach etc would you hang round or give them space? Meet up for tea or do your own thing?

I generally try to avoid people I know on holiday

YANBU - definitely not.

This is what I did, and my wedding was in NYC and WAS the legal bit. The only member of family that could attend was my brother and NONE of my DH family attended. The invite went out to everyone - work colleagues, friends, family well in advance and along the lines of "we are getting married here if you want to have a holiday and meet up with us there... "

There was a ceremony and there was canapes and cake and a few bottles of fizzy afterwards in a bar. We had about 20 people there. We only paid for the canapes, cake and fizz for our guests. We did meet up with a few of them on other days of the holiday too for sightseeing etc.

Not one person expressed any disappointment in our choices, no-one refused to attend because they thought we were BU, no-one expressed any concerns about expectations from us to attend. Both our families were completely supportive. There was a fair few people that wanted to attend but couldn't due to it being a Christmas wedding - the kind of industry we are both involved in makes taking leave at that time of year difficult and there were friends I know couldn't get the AL.

The only persons we wanted to attend, and who wanted to attend that didn't were the DSC - for various reasons - we dealt with it by giving them the choice of coming to NY with us but not being able to enjoy it fully due to commitments we had to organising the wedding or having a longer holiday at Orlando, Florida. They chose Florida (it was a loaded choice!).

PS My SIL is also doing this Christmas and have invited us and at no point did I ask what she would be paying for or what was included. We got "I'm getting married in [foreign country] on [december date] we'd love it if you can join us". I am not at all bothered about the detail - If I can get the AL I will happily pay out of my own pocket for a nice holiday and join SIL on her special day.

Quite frankly - invite who you want and if they don't like the terms they won't come. It's really not a drama.

It’s not even a wedding abroad though, your be married before you even get there., why would you invite anyone. Your also being to tight to provide some bubbly and food after. CF

there is no way the registry office will only allow 2 people to witness your wedding

They only allow 2 as witnesses unless you pay at bit extra for the room.

Whatever you decide to do, I'd try making it a bit more clear.

If a friend of mine said "we're having a blessing in Spain with family. You can come if you want, but you don't have to. We'll have some sort of 'do' but it won't be paid for by us"

I'd be utterly confused and certainly wouldn't be spending any money or effort to get there.

Might be easier for everyone if you just tell your friends you're doing a very small family-only affair.

What? Don't invite people to a wedding that isn't actually happening.
Come along on our holiday but only see us for a day then bugger off to do your own thing! It doesn't make any sense.

OMG some people here are so narrow minded it's hillarious!!

@pleasingeveryone YANBU. You're not doing a traditional wedding and that's absolutely fine.

I think the thing this thread shows though, is that it's important to be really clear about what you are doing as some people may get confused!

If it was me I'd say to people - "we're getting married but we're not having a wedding" (then it'll hopefully get rid of expectations)

"We're doing the legal bit here with no guests then going to Spain with family and friends..." and explain what you said above.

I think it's a wonderful idea that sidesteps the whole wedding industry money trap.

Like you say - up to your friends if they want to come or not.

So you're basically going on holiday to Spain (as the legal bit is taking place in the UK anyway) and are wondering whether your friends would like to pay for the privilege of seeing you two receive a blessing? Extremely cheeky, YABU. You aren't getting married abroad, and no one apart from your closest relatives cares that much about a blessing.

If you're so short of money why even have a wedding here AND a "blessing" in Spain? It's not the first thing I would think to do if I was struggling...

Come along on our holiday but only see us for a day then bugger off to do your own thing! It doesn't make any sense.

Where did the OP say she would be ignoring her friends, on holiday in the same place as her, other than on the day of the ceremony?

She hasn't said that anywhere!

I would assume that if they're good enough friends to go all the way to Spain she'll want to hang out with them a bit at least!

The invite would be for the blessing and the "do" right?

Fine to invite people if you pay for the do and are clear about what it is (and in case you are in doubt it should involve both food and drink).

Where did the OP say she would be ignoring her friends, on holiday in the same place as her, other than on the day of the ceremony?

I think people made this assumption because she said it would be a joint honeymoon. Lets be honest guests are not normally welcomed on a honeymoon, and therefore I doubt they would be spending much time with the outside of the 'blessing'.