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Original poster

Not paying for wedding guests

229 replies

pleasingeveryone · 10/04/2018 12:07

Hi all,

Me and DP have a 7 month old baby and got engaged last year.

We are planning our wedding and when we've looked into it all we actually just want something small and intimate.

We are in the process of moving home and having a small baby, we are short on cash. Me and DP are planning on marrying next summer in Spain (legal part here, blessing with us two and DC out there).

Are we cheeky in saying to our close family and very few closest friends that there is no "formal" invite. They are all welcome to attend but would need to pay themselves.

Is this extremely cheeky? Or are we best just saying, me and DP are going to get married and leave it at that?

OP posts:
LML83 · 10/04/2018 13:59

their kids and family are there so it's not a traditional honey moon I am sure guests are welcome to go to beach or pool or dinner with them as and when it suits.

If I was told of a close friends wedding I could come along to I would try that destination first. If I could get a suitable family holiday within our budget I would come. if it was more expensive place/time I wouldn't. Just as long as you make sure friends know there is no pressure i don't see a problem OP.

TheJoyOfSox · 10/04/2018 14:00

Where did the OP say she would be ignoring her friends, on holiday in the same place as her,

Well I know I’d feel bloody awkward gatecrashing a honeymoon, but maybe that’s just me!

silvernutgoldenpear · 10/04/2018 14:01

Lets be honest guests are not normally welcomed on a honeymoon

Yes, but this isn't a normal wedding is it?

I'm travelling for a wedding - first time my DC will have ever been out of the country - to a wedding of an old friend who lives abroad. About half the guests are travelling long haul so have been invited to stay on for a couple of weeks after the wedding if we want. It's not "normal" but not everyone does the expected thing.

Sounds like the OP isn't too concerned with tradition. I wouldn't assume anything.

nobutreally · 10/04/2018 14:01

I don't think it's cheeky per se - but it's something I'd only consider for a very very good friend. I think that even if there isn't a formal invite, there needs to be a very clear communication of what you are including and expecting of guests. There is just so much potential for confusion because what you are doing is not traditional - which is fine of course, but means people don't know what you 'mean' by the invite (as is clear on the thread!), and certainly won't be clear what is and isn't included!

I'd also think through the logistics: do you actually want to have time to yourselves as part of the holiday or are you happy to be hanging out with friends and family the whole time? Will it get annoying having to juggle everyone/will you start to feel responsible for everyone's holidays?

Then, I'd send out something written (even if an email) to say:

  • we are getting married at x and then having a formal blessing at y. If anyone would like to join us at the blessing (xxdate/time) and then at a celebratory meal at xx, we'd be delighted to see you. We'll be at xxx town for the rest of the week and it would be lovely to meet up with anyone who hangs around. We've got a few links for cheap accomodation/flights so let me know if you want the details.

If it was me: I'd have a big party back here for friends rather than trying to manage having everyone overseas - room at a pub, put on a few free glasses of bubbly/the rest people have to pay for - easier/less hassle.

Bambamber · 10/04/2018 14:02

We did a similar thing. Had a blessing abroad then came back to the UK for a legal ceremony. But no one joined us abroad, was just us 2 and was absolute bliss.

Our reception in the UK didn't cost a lot. Hired a private room in a small independent hotel and had a buffet. Hotel decorated the room and provided the DJ which helped keep costs down.

It meant we got the 'wedding' abroad we had dreamed of, and then got to share the proper wedding at home with the people we loved. We would have done it all abroad but we went long haul and the licensing was really awkward there, plus we couldn't afford to fly everyone over and not all family would have been physically able to travel that far.

GreenTulips · 10/04/2018 14:02

Where did the OP say she would be ignoring her friends, on holiday in the same place as her

Our friends are welcome to come and attend the blessing, have a whole holiday, do whatever the hell they like

Kind of sets the tone

Bambamber · 10/04/2018 14:03

Plus if you're going to have a do over in Spain it's still going to cost, and you would have to check if cost increases with number of people attending

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 14:05

'Yes, but this isn't a normal wedding is it?'

It is. A registry office wedding is a normal wedding. The Spain bit is not a wedding. It's the honeymoon.

JingsMahBucket · 10/04/2018 14:10

I think this is a great idea @pleasingeveryone. It's easy going and people can plan a short holiday in Spain around the main event. I know several people who have done their weddings this way. I think it all really depends on how much notice you're going to give your friends. If it's for next year? Then that's just fine. End of this August may be a bit tight, IYSWIM.

Happy marrying! :)

ReversingSnail · 10/04/2018 14:11

Throw a post-wedding party for your friends when you get home instead?

LML83 · 10/04/2018 14:13

@expat to post people the part where they wear the nice clothes and publicly declare their love is the wedding and it is in Spain. The registry office is the legal bit.

Nikephorus · 10/04/2018 14:14

You're so short of cash that you won't be providing anything for the guests, but not too short of cash to have a holiday in Spain
Sorry but I'm with this ^^. If you're that hard up why not just have the legal (key!) part here and a meal or something for friends and family afterwards (friends can even pay for their food!), and then have a belated honeymoon when you're less strapped? Or even if you want one now just do it on your own so people who want to see you marry don't have to fork out for a holiday that probably isn't what they'd have chosen for themselves.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/04/2018 14:15

Registry office weddings allow as many guests as the particular room booked will hold. For people free from religion, the registry office bit is the actual wedding and it's entirely normal to have 50 or more guests. And music, flowers, poetry readings etc as well as the official vows.

silvernutgoldenpear · 10/04/2018 14:22

For people free from religion, the registry office bit is the actual wedding

Not necessarily. If you take a long enough historical perspective it's only relatively recently the law has made you do a formal legal bit.

For some, the "proper" bit is the promises made to each other in front of friends and family and the registry office is merely a formality.

I registered my DC's births at the town hall too - doesn't mean I actually gave birth to them there though Grin

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 14:27

'@expat to post people the part where they wear the nice clothes and publicly declare their love is the wedding and it is in Spain. The registry office is the legal bit.'

'The legal bit' is the wedding. The stuff in Spain is just frivolity. They're struggling financially, so get the legal stuff done and save up for a delayed honeymoon in Spain.

Cuppaoftea · 10/04/2018 14:33

If your budget's really tight you're probably best keeping invites to just family who sound happy to pay to join you in Spain and who you won't have to host as such, may be happy to say pay for the meal afterwards for you all as a wedding present and babysit so you get a little alone time on your honeymoon.

If you invite friends you'll need to do more hosting and pay for some hospitality for them on the day.

Lweji · 10/04/2018 14:34

As others have pointed out, your wedding is in the UK. And I'm sure the Registry Office will allow more than two people attending, even if only two witnesses need to sign.
You'd probably need to pay for a larger room for more than your parents, though.

Even if you give more importance to the religious side, you could easily have it in any church in the UK too. You don't need to go to Spain.

So, basically, you're having your honeymoon in Spain and taking your parents and siblings with you. Grin

DrunkOnCalpol · 10/04/2018 14:35

So you'd pay for a meal/do after the blessing in Spain and they pay for their own flights and hotels? Sounds standard for a wedding abroad, not sure what you're worrying about? You should issue proper invited just make it very clear that there is no pressure to attend, and that you don't expect presents as they're already spending enough.

Lweji · 10/04/2018 14:36

For some, the "proper" bit is the promises made to each other in front of friends and family and the registry office is merely a formality.

But the registry office bit is still promises made to each other in front of at least two witnesses.

DiegoMadonna · 10/04/2018 14:37

For people free from religion, the registry office bit is the actual wedding

Not always. We did the registry office thing with jsut our parents as witnesses, and then had a big, very secular wedding at a lovely venue the next year. Most of our guests didn't even know we were technically already married.

DrunkOnCalpol · 10/04/2018 14:38

And to those people saying the 'actual wedding' is in the UK, to many people the 'actual wedding' is not signing the paperwork it's celebrating in the manner you want, with your loved ones. I'm going to several weddings this year where the legal bit will have been done separately beforehand and that certainly doesn't make me see the celebration as not a real wedding.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 10/04/2018 14:39

Yes, it's cheeky.

I'd guess that your families would prefer not to go to Spain for a blessing. They won't say anything because it's your special day but they are probably complaining to each other about it!

Oblomov18 · 10/04/2018 14:39

Sounds very tight and skinflint.
Either invite everyone for a drink, in the UK or Spain. But this sounds like neither.

Teacuphiccup · 10/04/2018 14:39

I would feel akward about this, I wouldn’t know if I was being invited or not.
Are you saying I can come because you want me there or because you feel you have to.

TheDisreputableDog · 10/04/2018 14:41

But is there a 'wedding' in Spain? I.e. drinks, food, dancing?
I wouldn't expect you to pay for my holiday but I would expect to attend a 'do' of some sorts.

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