Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

[Gettingboredofthisnow]

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

"They're not always with their father though. Nothing wrong with doing it while they're with their father but that's not the case is it? She's choosing to go out when it's her time with the DC."

It means the OP said this about the friend.

I don't want to go into the details of where her kids are when she goes out but there have been multiple weekends when she could have had the children with her and hasn't

Surely she could 'sacrifice' some weekends to spend with her kids. So if she's going out when it's her time with the kids, she's having to get in other babysitters. I've seen men slated on here when a poster says the kids go to the dads at the weekends and he goes out drinking instead of spending his time with the DC.

Graphista
crumble2
and whoever else wants to pile in. You are talking about a completely different situation but hey go ahead and make it all about you.

So what should I do?
My youngest doesn’t see his dad. Should I stay at home for the next couple of years instead of choosing time away?

Yes, yes that's exactly what you should do. Or you could just get a babysitter/family member to babysit. But then you wouldn't get a chance to be awkward on this thread and twist it into being about you when you know you're being ridiculous.

I don't care if she goes out. I go out FFS. Did I say there was a problem with her going out? I did point out she goes out more than your average person.

My original 'problem' was with whether what she does when she's out is healthy. I mean, the alcohol levels can't strictly be healthy but I am more concerned with her mental health. If it is healthy, that's fine.

I'm sure I would think the same of a man or someone younger. If it was a male friend, I probably would find it distasteful if he was trying to pull women all night, because I know how fucking annoying it can be to have men coming on to you when you're in a bar or club.

That's reminded me about a number of occasions where I've been left chatting to the mates of the man she's gone off with. I don't have a problem chatting to people on a night out but I do like to have a choice about who I chat to - particularly if they think I'm fair game too.

I've already said she can do as she pleases and I'll support her as long as she's genuinely happy.

How am I being ridiculous and twisting it? I am asking a question based on what you posted and wondered where do households like mine enter your logic.
Either it's okay for single parents to use other means of childcare or it isn't.
And tbh we don't even know how much time the dad has with them other than a lot. A lot is meaningless as it is based on an individuals perception. For me 1 night a month would be a lot. For others every other weekend.

She either sounds like a lousy, selfish friend, or deeply unhappy. If she wants to do, and enjoys, this, then what does she need you there for? To have someone to fall back on if she's out of luck? If that's all she's going out with you for, then she needs to find herself another patsy.

Whether it's normal or worrying behavior depends on the person imho.

I would consider this normal behavior in one particular friend, but worrying in another friend based on 'who they are'. Only you know your friend.

Just try to be there for her. Either she'll burn out on her ways or she won't. But we all need our friends to be there no matter what.

Nope not twisting, not talking about "just me" just fed up of single mums being judged immoral for having a life!

Nope not twisting, not talking about "just me" just fed up of single mums being judged immoral for having a life!

Not one person has judged single mothers on this thread.

are you kidding me? The whole thread is judging single mothers - especially ones over 40!

I've just had a mini revelation. While thinking about this I've realised I am maybe influenced by past experience.

Many years ago I had a friend who drank moderately but started to drink more and by her own admission became promiscuous and someone she didn't like. She hasn't had a drink for nearly 20 years now.

Another friend went out a lot and drank a lot the whole time I knew her, and had some serious issues. I was her friend but lots of people had a problem with her and her behaviour and I always stood up for her. I haven't seen her in a long time now, but I do know she stopped drinking too.

I don't drink as much as I used to, but I've never felt my drinking regularly made me do something I might feel embarrassed about.

I suppose I'm just worried where it's leading. But if she's having fun, she's having fun.

are you kidding me? The whole thread is judging single mothers - especially ones over 40!

Don't be silly. They may be judging the OPs friend - NOT because she's a single mother but because of the way she acts on a night out.

My original 'problem' was with whether what she does when she's out is healthy

Yes, I read your OP, OP and instantly picked up on how concerned you were for your friend's health.

She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal?

part of me does think she should grow up

Graphista I am a single mother of 44. I go out. And I've done lots of things people would be shocked by even in recent years. I am not being ageist and misogynistic. I would 'judge' anyone if I was worried about them.

Not one person has judged single mothers on this thread

OP, and others (including you) has judged OP's "friend" who is a single mother, so that isnt true is it?

lol at the use of 'cool' in inverted commas as an insult.

OP, and others (including you) has judged OP's "friend" who is a single mother, so that isnt true is it?

You can repeat it as much as you like, doesn't make it true. I judged the friends behaviour, nothing to do with being a single mother. She just happens to be a single mother and that's what you're jumping on.

Not caring whether or not she is single, a mother, or even female, I would think any friend of mine who went out with me for a night out and then ignored me so that he or she could get off with a succession of strangers, was being a crap friend. Clearly the OP and her "friend" have completely opposing views of the purpose of their nights out and the "friend" must be getting spectacularly pissed if she has not noticed this already, herself. I would not carry on going out with this friend without talking about it, as neither is being a great friend of the other if they are not noticing the other person's unhappiness, or are judging the other person's behaviour negatively, or are worried about the other person but not talking or doing anything about it.

Just curious if judging is so horrendously bad how come there seems such vitriolic judgement of the OP's concerns? I mean either the OP's judgement that her friend self medicating her problems away with booze and men may lead her down a dark path is wrong then your judgements of her judging are wrong too? Or do the great and the good of AIBU get a magic pass to judge others for judging? I mean it has to be magic because the whole position self detonates otherwise.

I mean people are judging the OP as both judgemental AND judging her as being misogynistic? Wtaf?

On the topic of correlation between number of sexual partners and relationship breakdown here is a huffpost article:

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/more-sexual-partners-unhappy-marriage_n_5698440

It goes on the suggest one of the reasons may be that those with more sexual partners are less likely to be happy in monogamous relationships and thus report less relationship happiness. Surely it stands to reason were that to prove to be true it would be wise if you are seeking a long term lifelong bond it would be wise to steer clear of such people as you are unlikely to be able to keep them happy? Thus it is a red flag in that context.

We all make judgements we do it every fucking day. The cardinal sin however is being seen to be making them. Well is say fuck that I make judgements all the live long day, sometimes they are accurate sometimes I'm wrong. The important thing is being willing to sort them and identify them correctly, but I always am willing to revise a judgment in light of new information or a better reasoned argument.

I think the entire thread is in agreement that going out just with the OP and then clearing off dancing and flirting etc. is wrong...

As far as I can tell, no one thinks that going out as a pair and then leaving the OP to chat/dance/drink with other people is okay.

My final comment is this.

In my first post I never suggested I wasn't judging her. I actually said I was trying not to judge her, therefore accepting that I might be judging her, but with the best intentions.

I've since been judged as a bad friend, a concerned friend, a bit of a doormat, someone who should mind their own business, a boring cow, a misogynist, ageist etc.

@Gettingboredofthisnow Tue 10-Apr-18 15:08:44

Her ex binned her, hence the need to prove to herself she can still pull. She did admit to this at the start by the way.

You were not quoting her in that post but using the same terminology.

@C8H10N4O2 - eh? That's what I said

"She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too." In the very first post!

"It's true she's been busy being a wife and mother more recently" she's STILL a mother whether she socialises or not.

"would leave the kids with any-one who would have them"

"although she may be risking the relationship with her own children if they seemed to have been jettisoned along with the marriage."

"But hey, apparently the OPs friends need for 'fun' trumps the kids needs. No-one has mentioned the fact the OP said that she's choosing to go out at times rather than spend time with her kids"

"I would assume if dad is off doing a hobby for a few hours, he's not down the local pub making an absolute arse of himself and snogging randoms." So it would be OK if she was doing something more "seemly" like knitting group or basket weaving.

And even THAT's not acceptable for some:

"I couldn't give a fig if it's out clubbing or doing a book club, if she's prioritizing her own fun over actually raising her children, well then that's being a shitty parent"

"palming her dc onto others"

"I would judge any parent who went out this much."

"Does she always leave the kids with their dad when she goes out?"

"I don't want to go into the details of where her kids are when she goes out but there have been multiple weekends when she could have had the children with her and hasn't."

"don't seem to be thinking of her kids."

"If she’s sacrificing her relationship with her children to go out on the pull"

"only if she ditches her children for dates is it a problem. DC always come first"

"They're not always with their father though. Nothing wrong with doing it while they're with their father but that's not the case is it? She's choosing to go out when it's her time with the DC."

"Surely she could 'sacrifice' some weekends to spend with her kids. So if she's going out when it's her time with the kids, she's having to get in other babysitters."

Nooooo no judgment of how single mothers and this particular single mother is behaving at all

I think just talk to her op, say “are you having fun?” Maybe she wants to find a boyfriend and it doesn’t go beyond that night?

Do you ever want to pull too? Great to have a wingwoman.