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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 10/04/2018 15:35

Is it normal behaviour. Who are we to say this, as everyone has a different view of what normal is. However, psychology does play a role in when someone is rejected, yes they do often seek out attention and validation.

It sounds like she's been stuck in a bad relationship and is just having a bit of a mad few months to enjoy herself. Her age is neither here nor there and has no place in whether or not she should do what she's doing. The main reason that o
30 and 40 somethings don't frequent nightclubs any more is that we've realised that they're a bit seedy (again just an opinion)

Stick with her, be a good friend. Check she's back home safely that sort of thing and when she's bored/tired of it all she'll decide for herself.

As for her children. There's nothing wrong with letting dad taking a good share i.e. 50% of the child care and only if she ditches her children for dates is it a problem. DC always come first.

QueenOfMyWorld · 10/04/2018 15:48

I was like this several years ago after I separated from my 1st husband.I went through a promiscuous stage because I missed sex, id been in a sexless marriage for years.As long as she is using condoms she's not harming anyone

MargoLovebutter · 10/04/2018 15:56

It is really, really hard adjusting to life as a singleton, after being married for quite a while.

I struggled massively. Part of me was 'whoop de doo', I can get off with other men again & part of me was utterly terrified. I found that if I went out a lot and got lots of male attention, I felt less terrified and the black hole of despair was filled up for a bit. I did some reckless and stupid things along the way & probably had friends tutting from the sidelines too! I had my DC 24/7, so burnt through babysitters but it felt worth it at the time.

Your friend will calm down eventually OP, because you can't carry on like that forever - it's exhausting! Grin

cupcakesandglitter · 10/04/2018 15:57

@BadLad call 101 😂😂😂

NotACleverName · 10/04/2018 15:58

Some of you - hi Coffee and Rose - need to go away and examine your misogyny and ageism. Smile

It's generally a good idea to stay clear of people with 10+ sexual partners as the data shows they are increasingly likely to suffer relationship breakdown when they do choose to settle down. I mean I'd be friends by all means, but it IS a massive red flag.

What an absolute steaming load of fucking horseshit.

Dontwantanicknamethanks · 10/04/2018 16:01

Mmm, you do sound judgemental. People go through all sorts during their lives and unusual times and behaviour bring out their friends deeply hidden opinions and biases. Sorry, I think you are likely to have an unforgiving attitude towards those who act outside of the norms of your social circle. Either accept her as she is or pull away. Neither of you are wrong but to be honest I think she is the one who should be disappointed rather than you.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 16:01

What data would that be? Is it available on shitstatisticsmadeupforaibu.com?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 16:10

A choosy male is attractive and clever and maybe even rich.
Lol,that’ll be the same successful six figure salary but can’t load Wmch dh that half mn married
Mr choosy who’s top in his field,but somehow unable to shop for clothes,undertake childcare,open correspondence,load dishwasher
And often in case we all forget their are such men out there,his dp will post
She’ll post my dp who is a lawyer/academic/senior bod just said..to let us all know that man has spoken

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 16:10

I value everyone's opinion but I am surprised how many people don't think it's a problem to dump the mates you go out with in favour of a random man every time. You live and learn.

OP posts:
RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 16:14

I value everyone's opinion but I am surprised how many people don't think it's a problem to dump the mates you go out with in favour of a random man every time. You live and learn

When your "mates" are so rude and judgemental about every aspect of you, wouldn't you dump them?

C8H10N4O2 · 10/04/2018 16:15

Her ex binned her

Wow, what a lovely way to describe someone who is supposed to be a friend.

I was about to say the one part which I wouldn't agree was reasonable was the dumping someone when you go out with one friend but just how close are you to talk about her like that?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 16:16

In fairness op that’s not what you posted. Had you written that you’d have got diff response

C8H10N4O2 · 10/04/2018 16:16

I must have missed the memo with approved ladylike activities for women over 40.

Lady Bracknell had it nailed:
Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

Everyone feels entitled to judge women over this age. If she were a 40 divorced man whose ex was near full time RP whilst he went clubbing and snogging 20yr olds, society regards him as "a good lad". Childcare issues are entirely between her and her ex.

Takeaweeseat · 10/04/2018 16:18

She IS entitled to do it. Are her children suffering in some way whilst being with their father?

They're not always with their father though. Nothing wrong with doing it while they're with their father but that's not the case is it? She's choosing to go out when it's her time with the DC.

DotForShort · 10/04/2018 16:19

I value everyone's opinion but I am surprised how many people don't think it's a problem to dump the mates you go out with in favour of a random man every time.

And how many would that be? It seems to me that there is general agreement that ditching one's friends on a night out is unacceptable.

I think most of those objecting to the OP are troubled by the blatant display of misogyny and ageism.

MargoLovebutter · 10/04/2018 16:19

Takeaweeseat are you saying that single mothers should never go out? That they should always remain at home with their children?

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 16:20

You don’t have to go out with her.
I go out. A lot. I go with a group. We meet either at where we are spending the night or before in a pub for drinks.
At the club, we don’t stay superglued to each other and want to chat. If that’s what we wanted we wouldn’t be in a noisy club where we cannot hear each other and paid on the door. To chat we meet in a pub.
In a club we mix between going off and staying together. We might all be dancing together, turn round and dance with someone else. Kisses might be exchanged. Flirting might happen. At the end of the night we might go home alone as the others have either gone home alone cos they are tired, gone on to another place or even gone home with someone they met. Or we might leave together.
And yes this even applies when just two or three going. If someone doesn’t want to dance and sit judging they are free to do that, or stay home, or say actually I wanna meet for a chat and suggest a pub. But a club don’t expect people to not interact with others.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 10/04/2018 16:21

still attractive Hmm

I haven’t read every post on the thread and it seems to have taken a bit of a turn, but what I want to say is:
If your friend is happy, let her be. If her children have been in any danger, i.e left alone or with someone irresponsible, when your friend goes out, you need to express your concern to her. If her children are being properly looked after, don’t stick your nose in.

Everyone handles things in life differently. And it may not even me handling her divorce, she’s probably just enjoying life.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/04/2018 16:23

CritEqual

You do realise its published by a US conservative "family values" organisation?

Which may be why its focus is on women's sexual partners rather than men's.

Takeaweeseat · 10/04/2018 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MargoLovebutter · 10/04/2018 16:31

Takeaweeseat Ok, no need to be rude. What did you mean by this then?

"They're not always with their father though. Nothing wrong with doing it while they're with their father but that's not the case is it? She's choosing to go out when it's her time with the DC."

Graphista · 10/04/2018 16:32

Takeaweeseat if I subscribed to that I'd have not had a single night out in over 10 years! Ridiculous position to take. If the children are safe, with someone responsible and mostly asleep anyway there's no harm done.

It's just more misogyny - God forbid a mother have a social life!

Personally I'm not big on nights out, but the op's friend as far as I can tell, despite op's efforts to convince us otherwise, is doing nothing wrong as a mother.

crumble2 · 10/04/2018 16:33

Blimey. Now she is not allowed out if her DC are not with their father? Give me strength. Shock

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 16:33

@C8H10N4O2 - not my own wording. I was responding to a PP who accused me of being the 'binned' ex. RTFT if you are going to comment.

OP posts:
Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 16:35

So what should I do?
My youngest doesn’t see his dad. Should I stay at home for the next couple of years instead of choosing time away?