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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 18:17

Graphista

That all applies to one person who happens to be a single mother. That's all. Stop trying to make it about you.

roundaboutthetown · 10/04/2018 18:17

If this "friend" is even getting off with strangers when almost everyone agrees it is inappropriate - ie when she has gone out for the night with just one other friend who never does this and who is being ignored in favour of strangers - then I would say her behaviour is not harmless fun at all, but a sign of someone with a problem. It is not fun to do this every Friday and Saturday, regardless of the company around you - nobody, surely, is that selfish and self-absorbed? I say she is unhappy, is drinking too much and has lost sight of proper friendships. She won't end up with any healthy relationships if she treats all her friends this way.

Graphista · 10/04/2018 18:41

Actually that didn't all apply to one person. It was comments from various posters inc op and not all about op's friend even.

Definitely not all about me. And that cop out accusation is getting tiresome.

wildbhoysmama · 10/04/2018 18:43

OP , you're getting a hard time on here, i think mainly because through your word choice you'veexpressed judgement on your DF's behaviour. I wouldn't like to see this kind of behaviour but I wouldn't judge Perhaps, like me, your concern is that you wouldn't want a friend being judged or laughed at or taken advantage of. But if she's happy ( and you can establish that with her) just let her party and don't choose to go.
At a friend's recent birthday I decided to meet for food and drinks and not to go onto the dodgy showbar as I knew there'd be a fair bit of 40+ writhing and snogging of randoms. I enjoyed hearing all about the madness the next day- very funny and no judgement- but I don't like that kind of night out. Call me too cool for school, but in my heyday I was always a 'real' clubber, preferring trainers and dark clubs where it was all about the music and never liked these other nights out. ( These days I limit the clubbing to the very odd festival). My mates know I'm not into heels, twerking and flirting with randoms but they love it- just tell your DF that.

wildbhoysmama · 10/04/2018 18:45

Where did my.paragraphs go?! I did type them!

BeUpStanding · 10/04/2018 18:46

Have only read the first and last pages of the thread, but in my experience that's fairly normal behaviour for someone in her position. You have to grit your teeth and wait for it to pass, then laugh about it together afterwards Grin. If you're genuinely worried that she's putting herself in danger or making a laughing stock of herself, my advice would be to say that it's great to see her cutting loose and having so much fun, but you're a bit concerned she might be taking it a bit far. Ask her if she's having as much fun as it seems she is?

LeighaJ · 10/04/2018 18:49

Ugh my husband and I had to listen to his Mum and all her faux concern recently over her partner's ex doing similar things that you described your friend doing. Except also saying how terribly thin and unhealthy she looked as well, we couldn't hide our surprise at the photo evidence of this, as the ex looks good for her age.

It all just came across as so petty, fake, judgy, and none of their business under a guise of concern, much like the OP's posts.

tierraJ · 10/04/2018 20:41

As a 41 yr old singleton who is currently only getting affection from her rescue cat, this thread has made me realise that I'm actually missing out on fun...

I'm not into drunken snogs with random men in public any more but it would be nice to go out to bars & clubs where there are some actual single men I could flirt with; sadly all my friends prefer early nights...

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 20:50

Tierra find a hobby, meet new people that way who will hopefully want to go out.
One group of people who I met was during some tutorials for OU about a year ago. When all still chat, new people have joined us as we're on different courses, and when we can still meet and go clubbing.
Even meet new people in clubs to go clubbing with.

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