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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 12:50

Needs to meet a 'decent' man

Oh here we go, the making up your own story on Mumsnet.
I said may meet a decent man(if that's what she wants).

I'd no more snog, flirt or dance with strangers than I would walk a tightrope across the Grand Canyon, but I'd bloody defend a woman's right to do so without being judged like this

And why wouldn't you do it if it's all fine and dandy?

StickThatInYourPipe · 10/04/2018 12:52

Surely EVERYONE knows the club isn't the best place to find a lover!

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 12:54

At least the father is stepping up to look after the children. As long as they are ok I don't think there is a huge problem, although she may be risking the relationship with her own children if they seemed to have been jettisoned along with the marriage

Yes that's what happened with the person I know who was like this. One of her sons has never really forgiven her, she was out every weekend and he was left with various babysitters. But hey, apparently the OPs friends need for 'fun' trumps the kids needs. No-one has mentioned the fact the OP said that she's choosing to go out at times rather than spend time with her kids.

Consideringbeingamom · 10/04/2018 12:57

I can't quite fathom how judging a broken friend (acting like a bit of a tit) is ageist or sexist? If a man aged 65 or 25 did it too, a close friend may laugh and joke about it in person but deep down would surely feel a bit bothered by it?

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 12:58

Being left with various babysitters and the other parent, parenting is totally different.

And how many people still together have dad piss off out at every opportunity to do their ‘hobbies’, and the relationship with their child, even when adult isn’t affected?

EphraimLevi · 10/04/2018 12:58

Ha! You could be describing my sister (actually I’m wondering if you are).

She’s post divorce, shared residency, sometimes (shock horror) she asks my son to babysit so she can go out when she has them. She’s on tinder and seeing several dates a week at times, having lots of lovely sex and going out dancing. She’s not interested in a relationship so couldn’t give a shiny shit about what men might think of her ffs.

She was wild when we were younger but then married in her mid twenties and became unrecognisably yummy mummy. Since leaving her husband she has rediscovered her wild side. It won’t last forever but for now she’s living her best life. She also has a successful career and is a great mum.

If anyone dares judge her to my face (I’m looking at you, mother), they get short shrift.

Birdsgottafly · 10/04/2018 12:59

"It's nothing to do with misogyny. She'll attract all the arseholes of the day. She sounds quite vulnerable"

I went through a similar phase, after being Widowed. I had a bloody good time. Loads of great sex, which I'm glad I did because since going through the Menopause, my sex drive has practically gone.

I moved arseholes on very swiftly and there was nothing vulnerable about me. She isn't showing that she's lonely (which makes people vulnerable). She's found out how great a varied sex life is.

Sex is better in your 40's. You know yourself and how to protect yourself. Its much more dangerous to be carry on like that at an 'acceptable' age. I worry more about young Women having sex that they aren't ready for pushed into them, when they are tipsy.

The only part that needs addressing is the leaving of her mate, which I never did. I didn't do many PDAs, either, only because its not my thing.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 13:00

And how many people still together have dad piss off out at every opportunity to do their ‘hobbies’, and the relationship with their child, even when adult isn’t affected?

I would assume if dad is off doing a hobby for a few hours, he's not down the local pub making an absolute arse of himself and snogging randoms.

recoveringmummy · 10/04/2018 13:01

It took me well over a year (closer to 2) to stop going out drinking, having one night stands and behaving like your friend after my husband left. It was just something I went through and I've come out the other side ok. If she felt unloved by her husband that's probably why she looking for it elsewhere. As long as she's not hurting anyone and her kids are safe I don't see the issue??

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 13:04

He might be for all anyone knows.
But realistically he’s away from the kids, choosing to do something else other than parenting. Just her hobby instead of cycling or whatever is flirting and possibly having sex at the end of the night

LadyOfTheCanyon · 10/04/2018 13:04

Christ, I had a rare old time of it after my divorce. It was like I needed to make up for lost time, and what time was left was running out. I shagged pretty much anything that moved, had threesomes, group sex, one night stands, got blind drunk a lot of the time, danced on tables. I was on a complete mission to have as much fun as possible and looking back at it I did probably try some of my friends' patience quite a bit. I'm sure I was absolutely insufferable at times to be honest.
The friends who had the hardest time of it were the ones in relationships I think. They were far more judgmental of my choices, which I can only imagine stemmed from a bit of jealousy. My single friends were far more accommodating.

Birdsgottafly · 10/04/2018 13:05

consideringbeingamom in reality, men are jealous of the amount of sex their mates have, if they have more than them.

It's only Women who should have a cap on the amount of sex and sexual partners they have and condemned if they go over.

CritEqual · 10/04/2018 13:06

I couldn't give a fig if it's out clubbing or doing a book club, if she's prioritizing her own fun over actually raising her children, well then that's being a shitty parent. It's just as shitty if a man was doing it, but we're not talking about a man here in this case.

In terms of the OP your friendship with her is voluntary, if you don't want to be taken out then resoundingly bored, then bounce and leave her to it! The children do not have that luxury however she's their mum...

Consideringbeingamom · 10/04/2018 13:10

I have no judgement of women going out enjoying themselves and having lots of sexual partners. I've gleaned from OP that her friend is attention seeking, disloyal to her and palming her dc onto others. That's a little concerning.

findingmyfeet12 · 10/04/2018 13:13

If this behaviour is out of character for your friend then it may be masking something else and you sound like a nice friend to be concerned about it.

She may just be ok with it and enjoying herself, I'm not sure how you'd go about finding out though.

rightknockered · 10/04/2018 13:15

How does it make sense that she can be judged to be going out at night rather than spend time with her children? Her children are asleep, she then goes out and gets a babysitter. Is she supposed to watch them sleep?

CritEqual · 10/04/2018 13:16

It's generally a good idea to stay clear of people with 10+ sexual partners as the data shows they are increasingly likely to suffer relationship breakdown when they do choose to settle down. I mean I'd be friends by all means, but it IS a massive red flag.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 13:18

rightknockered

There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too

I would judge any parent who went out this much.

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 13:21

Where does it say she is palming the kids off to others? The op says the kids are with their dad. And like Rightknockered said, even if babysitter involved, the kids will be in bed. Sleeping. Then okay she might have a hangover on a school night, the horror of it, but kids will be in school.

Would be interested to know the ages of these kids. Mine encourage me to go out rather than stay in.

ThymeLord · 10/04/2018 13:21

All this thread has made me do is look forward to Friday night and it's only Tuesday. Jaegerbomb anyone?

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 13:22

Can we have links to the data that shows 10+ partners show relationship breakdown?

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 13:23

Thyme. Why wait for Friday? There's always music somewhere being played.

Birdsgottafly · 10/04/2018 13:24

CritEqual it depends on what you are looking for and the stage of your life.

I don't want to live with anyone ever again, many of my Female peers (all 40-60) feel the same.

I'm perplexed by people who've lived with/got engaged to, more than a few people, than someone whose had lots of sexual encounters.

Considering being a mom the children are being left with their Dad, who they should be having equal access to.

Personally I went out at about 8-9pm and was back for when they were waking up.

Its interesting as one bullshit opinion is being shot down another aspect is trying to be highlighted.

Birdsgottafly · 10/04/2018 13:26

What's next? Oh yes, she's spending money that could be spent on her children.

Its only ever Women's sex lives and spending that's dissected.

CritEqual · 10/04/2018 13:28

There isn't data that shows 10+ partners cause relationship breakdowns, but there is a correlation. Here is one:

ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability/

I'm not sure where it is but I saw another one that showed having 2-3 was about ideal, and 0-1 were a little more likely to divorce later in life, but those in the biggest risk bracket were 9+ but I'll try and dig it out and post it later.