Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

[Gettingboredofthisnow]

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

I've had way more than 10 sexual partners, even before the first marriage. I think the problems are caused when someone you're in a committed relationship with continues to have sexual partners, dontcha think?

What's next? Oh yes, she's spending money that could be spent on her children

It's only you that's mentioned that so that's what's in your^ head.

I'm not making any moral qualifications, just that I think it's sensible to avoid high risk scenarios. Obvs if you have no intentions of settling down then have at it and good luck to you!

The assumptions that people have made about me are way off the mark and quite funny. I am the same age as my friend and not in a relationship but my break up wasn't messy in the same way as hers, and if I wanted to meet a partner personally I wouldn't do it in a bar or club. I will happily dance by myself. I have had more than my fair share of 'wild' nights.

Age matters only that in my experience in their youth people tend to do the snogging a random in public 'look at me' thing and as people get older they generally are more discreet.

If she is genuinely having fun, and I am open to believing she is, that's OK. I accept it's an normal phase after divorce etc.

I wanted to see if others also thought there might be cause for concern because the phase is lasting longer than I expected and she is not picky about the men she ends up with, but I will MMOB.

The amount of ridiculous misogynistic comments on this thread are unbelievable.
Woman goes out to have a good time > must be immoral/depressed/missing something in her life/lonely/neglecting her sleeping children/forgotten she is now to live life as an old lady.
FFS

rightknockered don't shoot the messenger I'm not saying you can't have more than 10+ sexual partners and not have a successful and very happy marriage, and of course there will outliers. I'm just sharing data that people can use to manage what risk they do or do not wish to take.

Just for those who want to maximize their chances for happy long term relationships, there are red flags that are woth keeping an eye on. I don't see how that could be remotely contraversial.

Would be interesting to see the same research with male results.

Why would she want to settle down? She is showing no signs of wanting to do this, her children are being taken care of and she is having a ball.

All power to her I say.

I have had happy, long term relationships but I have definitely had more than 10 sexual partners. Must be why I'm single now

It all sounds pretty normal, when I first divorced I was horribly flirty. I think it’s all to do with re-establishing confidence.

You are judging. Your friend is a fully grown, responsible adult. Let her find her own way back. When she returns, she will be bigger, better and stronger. I was a ‘little woman’ who had had 20years of doing as I was told, asking permission to go out with my friends and generally being very down trodden. I think the “going off the rails” route is just part of the growing that comes after a divorce. At least your friend has you, all my friends disappeared.

(With hindsight I don’t like the person I was shortly after my divorce, but I came through it ok in the end)

And why wouldn't you do it if it's all fine and dandy?

Because I don't want to?

I have read the whole thing. This passage doesn't sit right for me.
But not too many oats, if one married after the start of the new millennium. The highest divorce rates shown in Figure 1, 33 percent, belong to women who had ten or more premarital sex partners. This is the result most readers of this brief probably expected: a lot of partners means a lot of baggage, which makes a stable marriage less tenable. It’s also entirely likely that the correlation is spurious, the product of certain personal characteristics. For instance, people who suffered childhood sexual abuse are more likely to have extensive sexual histories. Childhood abuse also increases the odds of a problematic marriage.

Is the author chucking abuse into the sexual partner numbers, because to me that's how it's coming across?

This is embarrassing behaviour at any age (I cringe thinking of myself doing that sort of thing when 18 or so), but the difference is as 40 one should know better/know it's embarrassing. It's also not on to abandon OP on a night out.

I don't think it's misogynistic to point out that it does indicate a desire for validation - I would say exactly the same thing if a recently divorced male friend hit the bars schmoozing women. The thing is that she probably won't get the validation she is after by these methods, so the best thing to do is help her build up her confidence in other ways -,maybe start a course or a class together so she feels a sense of achievement and purpose?

Springtrolls that's a fucking good question, but do you know what they have not to my knowledge deigned to do the study on males! So I'm running on the basis the data would be broadly similar until shown otherwise. I mean I can't think of a reason it wouldn't be the same?

OP, you are not her friend so your fake 'concern' is irritating.

Had the BEST time post divorce. Why not? My body, my mind, grown up enough to take proper care and young enough to still want to be having sex. A lot.

OP,
I'd be a bit pissed off if she left me alone, if we were out together.(so maybe not go out alone with her )

Maybe she's just having a fantastic time and genuinely enjoying herself.
This maybe the personality she had before marriage and kids,who knows.
As long as she's not hurting anyone....I say good on her.

@Gettingboredofthisnow I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Have you and any of your other close mutual friends sat down with her to talk things out? I would normally say let her be, but this is throwing up a couple of tiny red flags to me.

If anything I'd just talk to her about protecting herself from STIs. The HIV/AIDS rate is really high in this age range and the elderly because they don't think need to use condoms due to a reduced pregnancy risk.

Also, as an aside: the irony of your user name plus all the crazy responses/accusations on this thread has not been lost on me.

I'd have thought that a lot of partners pre marriage makes a marriage more stable, cos you know what's out there. No history of abuse for me, I just liked men and was lucky enough to come of age in the 90s where, as far as I was aware, everyone was at it.

Anyway, based on the number of partners pre marriage, it looks like dh and me are on borrowed time.

You guys are inferring a bit too much, and yes that article does too! Yes it's possible the link is spurious I'm just pointing out a set of data. After all another popular one is there is an IQ correlation between breastfeeding and not but again interestingly causation has yet to be actually established. Yet that is sufficent cause for people to practice it, and it's not an entirely unreasonable choice to do so.

If there is a causal link, or if as has been pointed out there is a link between the behaviour and trauma then it would help to pinpoint this so appropriate people can get appropriate help. All this general "live and let live" attitude may just be enabling people to inflict more trauma upon themselves, and I applaud people like the OP who are wise to this and want to help the people they are close to.

I think you have valid concerns OP but other than being there if/when she falls apart I’m not sure what you can do.

Better to have 100+ sexual partners, avoid long-term relationships because you're not interested in them, than meet some man who insists on marrying a virgin and spent the rest of your life being at least psychologically abused (because men who demand virginity in female partners hate women) and having awful sex.
The more sexual partners you have, the more likely you are to know what you do and don't like sexually and to be able to read the signs that a man is dodgy in some way - either outright dangerous or all right for a few shags but not to be depended on in any other way.

I had forgotten how much we all bring our own prejudices, pre and misconceptions to AIBU!

When I arrange to go out with friends I spend time with them and am not prioritising finding someone to stroke my ego. I have stood by my friend for over a year of this because I felt for what she was going through, but obviously I'm a shit friend who doesn't care and just wants to judge her.

Gettingboredofthisnow

You're not a shit friend, ignore the people saying you are, there's just as many here saying we agree with you. Does she always leave the kids with their dad when she goes out?

Do many men really demand virginity from their partners in this day and age? As I'd imagine that's a long wait for a train that's not coming!

In some cultures yes they do.
Same with churchgoers I think based on that link, as it mentioned something about women with x sexual partners wouldn't be going to church (or similar wording).