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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 14:13

I don't want to go into the details of where her kids are when she goes out but there have been multiple weekends when she could have had the children with her and hasn't. I'm not judging her on that as such, but if it shows her self-worth is low and she's choosing to pull men to make her feel better about herself instead of focussing on what she does have and starting a proper new life, then isn't that worrying?

OP posts:
CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 14:27

Gettingboredofthisnow

Yes of course it's worrying, but all the people saying she's 'entitled' to do it don't seem to be thinking of her kids.

The person I know who behaved exactly like your friend still has a wobbly relationship with one of her sons. He knows she left him with various babysitters and chose men over him. He was left with people he barely sometimes.

BuffyBee · 10/04/2018 14:29

I hope the Df is just having fun for its own sake, snogging randoms and not because she's trying to impress.
Believe me no-one will be impressed, the kids will be sniggering, the older ones rolling their eyes and the men laughing.
I've worked behind enough bars and seen and heard it all.

RoseWhiteTips · 10/04/2018 14:29

A choosy male is attractive and clever and maybe even rich. The desperate women have zero chance with them. You know it.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 14:36

A choosy male is attractive and clever and maybe even rich. The desperate women have zero chance with them. You know it

You're talking nasty, misogynistic rubbish.

rightknockered · 10/04/2018 14:38

I think that your description of a "choosy male" is actually standing in arrogance, judging women as below him. Who needs that?

crumble2 · 10/04/2018 14:42

A choosy male is attractive and clever and maybe even rich. The desperate women have zero chance with them. You know it.

A goady statement if ever I saw one. Hmm

VladmirsPoutine · 10/04/2018 14:43

A ridiculous statement so pathetic it's laughable.

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 14:45

So, none choosy males are ugly and not clever, and won't even be rich?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 14:49

Yes of course it's worrying, but all the people saying she's 'entitled' to do it don't seem to be thinking of her kids

She IS entitled to do it. Are her children suffering in some way whilst being with their father?

but if it shows her self-worth is low and she's choosing to pull men to make her feel better about herself instead of focussing on what she does have and starting a proper new life, then isn't that worrying?

Do we assume that a woman can only go out, drink, flirt, snog and dance because she's got inner turmoil then? It's all just got to be a cry for help?

It's not worrying if you're just projecting your own feelings and judgments on her, no.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 14:51

Choosy males obviously aren't kind, caring, funny or supportive either. Just rich and good looking. Because that's what woman all want while they're standing in the corner, sipping water, waiting to be 'chosen.'

Sweetpea55 · 10/04/2018 14:57

She might have had a crap marriage. Now she's free and enjoying all the attention. It's making her feel good. And good for her.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 10/04/2018 15:00

Are you the ex who's been binned, OP?

Cos you sure ain't no friend.

CritEqual · 10/04/2018 15:05

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to avoid any one of many red flags in any romantic partners. No one would bat an eye if anyone avoided dating an alcoholic, drug addict, certain mental health issues that were not being treated and managed, verbally abusive I mean the list goes on and on and we all bloody do it! It is just there is data that shows dating someone with too many sexual partners puts you in a greater risk bracket for relationship breakdown. Besides there are enough people with extensive sexual histories that can marry each other.

Note I'm not saying anyone is undeserving of love, just that it helps to maximise your chances in life. The sole criteria these days for a lot of people to date is wether they get the fanny tingles, and whilst that is certainly important as relationships with people you aren't attracted sexually too are not long for this world, having some additional standards is not a bad idea!

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 15:08

Her ex binned her, hence the need to prove to herself she can still pull. She did admit to this at the start by the way.

I hadn't understood that a friend was someone who didn't notice or care about a change in behaviour or someone's state of mind following a break up.

OP posts:
crumble2 · 10/04/2018 15:09

CritEqual I really think you should stop banging that drum. To substantiate your 'data' you have posted one link to a dodgy source which seems to be suggesting that child victims of abuse are likely to be promiscuous and therefore make bad partners.
Can you link anything reputable?

MoreProsecco · 10/04/2018 15:11

OP: notice & care is fine.

Judging & making assumptions about how 40-something woman should behave, not so much.

maliglanta · 10/04/2018 15:13

Is your name getting bored of this now or getting bored of this snow? Either way, you do sound like a boring cow. Rather have a night out with your mate Grin

Graphista · 10/04/2018 15:18

Wow! Misogyny, ageism and assumptions galore!

First assumption (made on many threads) is that the op is stating accurately what's going on. Cos people never exaggerate, or make erroneous judgments eh Hmm

Secondly that the friend is unhappy. She's supposedly said to op she isn't so why assume that?

Thirdly that she is wanting another ltr, not everyone does! A boyfriend/partner/husband isn't everything in life! Plenty of people after one ltr however it ends decide they don't want another.

And op PLEASE don't do as one pp suggested and sit her down for a "chat" inc sexual health advice! That's so patronising and condescending I hardly know how to respond!

Yes it's rude if she leaves you alone when it's the 2 of you on a night out so you could raise that with her or not go out just the 2 of you.

Otherwise mind your own business.

nellieellie · 10/04/2018 15:19

Think people are being a bit weird here. If I had a friend that tried to track down men whenever we went out for a drink together, I don’t think I’d be as understanding as the OP. Good on her if she’s having a good time, but ditching your mates for a public snogging session is not attractive behaviour in either sex. If she’s sacrificing her relationship with her children to go out on the pull, then again, in either sex, that’s hardly a desirable quality.

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 15:20

More Processo if you look back at my posts, I was simply asking if people felt it was normal or worrying behaviour. I didn't come here and say 'I have a friend who sleeps around, isn't she a bad person?'.

Thanks maliglanta but I can assure you I'm not boring. No need for personal insults either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 15:24

Prosecco not processo Grin

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 10/04/2018 15:25

So with all you've learned now, what do you intend to do, or not, about it?

HisBetterHalf · 10/04/2018 15:32

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up
But that is judging.
Its her life, let her enjoy herself. We are all a long time dead

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 15:33

I'll leave her to do as she pleases, be there for her if she needs me, but will avoid going out with her unless there's a big crowd.

OP posts: