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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 11:26

Laiste are you a journalist or a policitian? You have cherry picked words to write a new narrative. It's like one of those movie posters where they choose one word from shit review to make it sound great.

I am genuinely concerned but I'll just leave her to mess up and avoid going out with her.

OP posts:
PellyBay · 10/04/2018 11:26

I think my parents were both a bit like when they separated in their late 40s after having been together for nearly 30 years. I was a teenager at the time and I found it excruciating but it only lasted a couple of years and then they both calmed down (one found a new partner, the other one decided they were happier on their own). In hindsight, now that I'm an adult myself, I'm happy for them both that they had a bit of fun.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 10/04/2018 11:26

I would just eb quietly supportive, I think she might be having fun. Good on her!

If I ended up alone, I'd be be quite please with myself if I was brave enough to be a bit naughty and selfish and silly...

Most likely just a phase

Rainboho · 10/04/2018 11:27

I think you’re a little bit jealous and trying to put her in her place as a result.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:27

Can you all honestly say that if you were out in a bar packed mainly with people in their twenties or thirties, that you wouldn't be a little bit surprised by a 44 year old woman sexy dancing and snogging the face off a man in the middle of the dance floor (where no one else is doing this kind of thing), and then doing it with a different man 20 minutes later? Never mind me judging her, what about all the people in the bar? Is the lack of self respect that I think is self destructive

I would be cringing.

LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:29

Seriously, I do not have a notion about what women should be like. I have never conformed to the idea of what a woman or someone in their forties should be like and I also go out a lot

Your comment about 'who is using who?' shows this isn't true. You clearly do have a notion about what women should be like, if you have this idea that two people having casual sex must mean one is 'using' another! Do you think it's impossible for two grown adults to have mutually consenting casual sex?

The only thing that YANBU about is if she ditches you when you're out together to go dance and leave you alone, that's rude.

Other than that, MYOB. She's living her life.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:29

Lol at all the people on here trying to be 'cool' with this. OP she's making a pure arse of herself but she'll hopefully come back down to earth soon.

pictish · 10/04/2018 11:30

I also believe that this sort of carry on is not uncommon after a marriage/LTR break up. People get heady on their new found freedom and just go to town. Going ‘off the rails’ a bit seems almost par for the course for some. I’ve seen it happen myself. I think it will calm down eventually as the novelty/pain/effects of a poor relationship begin to wear off and your friend comes back down to earth, although this might take a while.

I’d just look the other way and let her get on with it. Don’t go on nights out with her...like Ginky says, meet her for lunch etc.

I couldn’t watch someone in their forties behave like that, snogging more than one bloke a night on the dance floor, without my guts curdling in mortification for her, so I just wouldn’t go.

YellowFlower201 · 10/04/2018 11:31

This thread is a surprise. usually MN would be screaming for OP to go NC if her friend left her for 10 minutes when they were meant to be out together.

OP i can see why you are worried. It sounds like this is unusual behaviour for your friend which is making you concerned. I guess you'll have to speak to her and tell her that you are concerned or you could just tell her that you do not appreciate going out with her and being left at the bar like a lemon.

LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:31

Can you all honestly say that if you were out in a bar packed mainly with people in their twenties or thirties, that you wouldn't be a little bit surprised by a 44 year old woman sexy dancing and snogging the face off a man in the middle of the dance floor (where no one else is doing this kind of thing), and then doing it with a different man 20 minutes later? Never mind me judging her, what about all the people in the bar? Is the lack of self respect that I think is self destructive

I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I'd assume she was having fun and capable of setting her own boundaries as she saw fit.

The idea that a woman's respect rests on her not displaying sexual or flirtatious behaviour? Those aresome seriously disturbing views you've internalised there.

CackleCrackle · 10/04/2018 11:31

I do think it’s a necessary stage in the process, quietly supportive and being less available is the way forward. Has she tried online dating? Surely it’s easy enough to find low key flings on there rather than doing it the old fashioned way!

LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:32

This thread is a surprise. usually MN would be screaming for OP to go NC if her friend left her for 10 minutes when they were meant to be out together.

If that was the focus of the post I'm sure everyone would be saying OP is not BU.

It's all of the awful judging that's going on around it that's got people's attention.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/04/2018 11:33

The only remotely reasonable complaint you have is that she abandons you when you are on a just-the-two-of-you night out. That is a bit rude. But the best way to deal with that is stick to socialising in groups with her, because then you are not left sitting alone.

Idontdowindows · 10/04/2018 11:33

Oh for goodness sake, she's 40, not dead.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 11:34

Lol at all the people on here trying to be 'cool' with this

Grow up.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:34

I am trying not to judge

I think you need to try harder Hmm

Idontdowindows · 10/04/2018 11:35

Lol at all the people on here trying to be 'cool' with this.

Because goodness forbid women over 40 behave like mature, sexual beings, it's just not on! Tell her to go home, buy cats and keep her legs crossed!

Hmm
LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:36

Lol at all the people on here trying to be 'cool' with this

It must be quite a gift to have such insight into the actual feelings and motivations of everyone on this thread, irregardless of what they say. I don't know how you handle it.

Queenoftheblitz · 10/04/2018 11:39

Snogging two men in the space of 20 minutes is tacky at any age.
And as a friend you can tell her that.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:39

Lol at all the people on here trying to be 'cool' with this

Grow up

I think you may need to grow up if you think the above behaviour is in any way acceptable on a night out with a friend. If anyone used me as an excuse to go on a multiple man-hunt and left me sitting on my own, then yes I'd have a problem with it. Absolutely fine if it's a teenager or early 20's but 44, come on. Are you a teen or just the 'ccol' friend.

Helpmeplan · 10/04/2018 11:40

I'm 40. Kids grown up. Been with my h2b 24 years. We go out, get hammered, kiss on the dance floor, fall over sometimes. H2b keeps me upright on the way home. People could assume I am being a dick when all my h2b and I are doing is having fun.

I expect she'll get bored and calm down but divorce and single parentdom is bloody hard.

pictish · 10/04/2018 11:40

“That is a bit rude.“

It’s more than a bit rude, it’s utterly self-centred arseholery of the highest order. Way to be completely self absorbed. A friend of mine would only ever do this to me once.

trickyboots · 10/04/2018 11:42

I think she's in a transition phase and thinks she's having fun. I wouldn't worry, but I wouldn't go out with her if she's leaving you alone on a night out. I'd hate that lifestyle for me, but then I definitely had my youth and my feelings about growing old are not wrapped up in reliving that part of my life. Who knows really what her motivations are. You'd need to ask her.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:42

Because goodness forbid women over 40 behave like mature, sexual beings

Shock Mature? I think we're reading different threads. Omg some people just never grown up obviously. Lots of 40 somethings manage to have relationships and one night stands or whatever they want to do without treating their friends like this and making a fool of themselves.

LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:43

You didn't specify you were talking about the friend leaving OP with the 'lol at everyone trying to be cool', hence it reading like you were talking about the entire thing, leaving OP AND what she does with guys when she's out.