Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
Cakedoesntjudge · 10/04/2018 10:45

I think if you're worry comes from genuine concern for your friend then it's not really fair to just tell you to mind your own business but I don't think this is uncommon.

How old was she when they married? My friends mum behaved similarly (and still does about 7 years on to an extent) after her divorce. When her DC questioned her about it (they are all adults albeit the youngest being 18) she said she'd been married young and had never got to live like that when everyone else did and saw it as making up for lost time. My friend found it really tough but has just come to accept that that's the way her DM is now and has learnt to have different expectations from their relationship.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 10:46

She's going through a significant life event,and naturally there’s changes
There’s no rule book says 40yo women must be curmudgeonly and crochet
So she goes out,well her kids are safe and elsewhere so I can’t see the issue
Maybe in the marriage she was bound by mum & wife roles and that was that. No specific individual time as she was in a partnership
Ok so you disapprove of her behaviour it’s been over a year?well here’s the thing she can dress and get it on like Kat Slater if she wants. So long as she’s safe, taking precautions and street smart I can’t see the problem
Out of interest What would you like to see her do instead?

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 10/04/2018 10:48

How bloody dare she. Buy her some werthers originals and knitting needles and remind her of her place in life.

BadLad · 10/04/2018 10:51

Call 101

echt · 10/04/2018 10:52

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help

You are judging. And you haven't shown how she is being self-destructive. What kind of help do you think she needs?

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:54

She didn't marry very young. I didn't know her pre marriage so I'm not sure what she was like but I don't think she missed out on a social life. It's true she's been busy being a wife and mother more recently.

My concern is that she's going to regret all this. Perhaps she won't. She may be using these men as much as they are using her but I think it will take a toll on her.

We're all different but I suppose I think it would be healthier for her to have a break from men to get her head around things, enjoy time with friends and start building a new life.

OP posts:
MoreProsecco · 10/04/2018 10:57

She might be having fun & enjoying herself WinkGod forbid a woman should do that, never mind one in her 40's. Shocking.

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:57

I am not some stay at home prude. Far from it. I just don't need attention from men to make me happy. It worries me she's becoming reliant on it to make herself feel better.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 10:59

What toll will it take exactly?shell wear her pelvis out?get clicks hips?
Frankly you are massively judging, and that’s your preconceived notion of what women should do
She doesn’t need to adhere to should do,it’s a set of values imposed on women
There’s an expectation women have fun for a defined period late teens til mid twenties then settle down. Settle down= be a mother,selflessly devote self to kids,partner. No galavanting and def no boisterous behaviour
Settling down is my idea of hell,it’s a social construct imposed upon women.the good wife role

pinkbraces · 10/04/2018 11:00

Is she hurting anyone or herself? If not throw your judgey pants away. Leave her to have fun and you concentrate on your own life.

Tell us what you like to do and we can judge you!

KC225 · 10/04/2018 11:00

I think you need to get to the root of the matter. Is she sad? Is she lonely? Is she upset her kids are going to her Ex? Is she doing this for attention? Then perhaps you can help her find her way. Or perhaps, she is loving every minute of her new life and freedoms in which case don't go out with her in the evening.

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 11:06

Seriously, I do not have a notion about what women should be like. I have never conformed to the idea of what a woman or someone in their forties should be like and I also go out a lot. But this isn't about me.

KC you're right. I need to understand what's going on, but I don't seem to be able to get to the bottom of it. I really have a hunch that despite what she says it isn't making her happy.

OP posts:
AnnabelleLecter · 10/04/2018 11:09

Forget 101 call the fun police.

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2018 11:09

It’s up to her but I can see why it would piss you off if the 2 of you go out and she is more interested in meeting men than catching up with you

ReanimatedSGB · 10/04/2018 11:12

You have a 'hunch' that she isn't happy because you have absorbed the message that women over 35 should be sexless and invisible, along with the message that nice women 'save themselves' for Mr Right. The only reason this bullshit is peddled is because nothing is more frightening to inadequate men than women with sexual autonomy.

It's up to her what she does. I was having group sex in my 30s and 40s and wouldn't turn it down now if I got the opportunity.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:15

Are you saying when you're both out as friends she not attentive because she’s flirting with men?
That’s different.thats not a divorcee thing,that’s a rude thing
So if Your talking about the depth & quality of the friendship address that, be specific..you ignored/overlooked me x day on y occasion

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 11:15

You really do sounds as though you are massively judging her.

That said, I wouldn't want a friend to keep leaping up and snogging someone if we were just out for a drink together, just the two of us, so decide whether you want to accept another invitation from her unless there's a group of you.

What is self-destructive about her behaviour?

Original poster
Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 11:17

Can you all honestly say that if you were out in a bar packed mainly with people in their twenties or thirties, that you wouldn't be a little bit surprised by a 44 year old woman sexy dancing and snogging the face off a man in the middle of the dance floor (where no one else is doing this kind of thing), and then doing it with a different man 20 minutes later? Never mind me judging her, what about all the people in the bar? Is the lack of self respect that I think is self destructive.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/04/2018 11:20

Honestly, I think ending up slow-dancing and snogging some random on the dance floor while you are on a night out with one friend, who just has to sit there like a lemon or go home, is desperate and rude as fuck and on that score yanbu at all.

Laiste · 10/04/2018 11:20

-outrageous
-acting like a teenager
-she should grow up
-going out rather than spending time with her kids sometimes
-she's told you she's happy but you think she isn't

Your words OP.

If you want to look deep into something i think it should be your own motives for how you feel about this friends social life.

I imagine you've tried your best not to sound jealous or judgey here but i'm afraid you still have.

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 11:20

Oh good on her. She's on the pull!

pictish · 10/04/2018 11:22

Going by your latest post, she does sound woefully desperate for validation and yes, I would find it sad and embarrassing. However, my solution would be to refuse invites for a night out to watch her do it. That’s all you really can do. Her conduct is her business and not for anyone else to decide. I’d just make my excuses.

Ginkypig · 10/04/2018 11:23

The only problem I see with anything you have wrote is the part where she dumps her friends on a night out to pull (if that's what you've said)and that's rude especially if it's a night out with just two people no matter what age you are.

As for the rest of it, absolutely her decision and if your her friend then I see this going two ways.

1, she's fine and you may have to readjust your friendship to her change in circumstances as she would if you had a major life change. (Except for the abandoning you on a night out bit which is rude)

2, your right and she's not fine so she will need your support once she's out the other side of things!

Either way if your her friend she will need you but equally if she is your friend then she should take your needs into account and you both need to find a middle ground where you both can spend time together without either of you resenting the others behaviour.
That might mean no more nights up together but instead meeting up for lunch etc.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 11:24

Never mind me judging her, what about all the people in the bar? Is the lack of self respect that I think is self destructive

Bloody hell OP. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Why should she gives two hoots what 'all the people in the bar' think?

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:24

I have a family member who acted like this after her divorce. She started dressing like a teenager, would leave the kids with any-one who would have them so she could go out several nights a week and basically became the most selfish person I had ever met.

It lasted about 3 years and she thankfully met someone and settled down but there was a lot of damage done to the family and some of her relationships have never quite recovered.