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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fortysomething acting like twentysomething

234 replies

Gettingboredofthisnow · 10/04/2018 10:40

A friend in her mid forties separated from her husband in January 2017. She went a bit off the rails straight away - going out a lot, drinking a lot, one night stands, several men on the go at once. She's still attractive and enjoys nights out and male attention. There's nothing wrong with that, but when she's out she always ends up outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager. Is this normal? I haven't been on the dating scene for a long time but even when I was I don't remember it being like that. Perhaps when I was at school.

She does this when she's out with a group, or even if she's out with just one person. I know because I have been that person and I think SIBU to do that because it's rude. I know I can just not go out if I don't like it, but I don't know whether to be worried about her state of mind and alcohol consumption or just mind my own business. I would expect it for a few months after the trauma of splitting with her husband, but it's been well over a year. I try to be there for her so she can talk through her problems but she doesn't seem to think this behaviour is a problem.

She has 3 DC but they spend a lot of time with their dad and I can't tell if she likes that as it means she can go out, or goes out because she misses them. There's been a lot of times she's chosen to go out when she could have spent time with them. She's goes out on Friday and Saturday almost every weekend and often midweek too.

I am trying not to judge as I haven't been through this, but part of me does think she should grow up. The other part feels like she's being self destructive and needs help.

Prepared to be told to MMOB.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 10/04/2018 11:44

Yeah, mature, like adult human.

She's not bloody dead, she's having fun and if OP doesn't like going out with her while she's having fun, then don't bloody go out with her.

Laiste · 10/04/2018 11:44

Have i touched a nerve? They are your words OP, they're not mine. You've said a lot of things but those particular bits are the ones which jump out at me. I think they're quite telling.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:47

It’s more than a bit rude, it’s utterly self-centred arseholery of the highest order

Dancing and flirting on a dance floor is the above? Are you on glue?

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:48

She's not bloody dead, she's having fun and if OP doesn't like going out with her while she's having fun, then don't bloody go out with her

Yeah to hell with everybody else eh? I'll tell you what'll happen shall I? The OP will stop going out with her and then she'll go out with other friends and they'll be mortified and then the poor fecker will have nobody to go out with...all because some 'cool' people advised the OP to leave her be.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/04/2018 11:49

Yes it's embarrassingly teenaged behaviour but she's not harming anyone so let her get on with it. But leaving you on your own to snog some random is very rude, and I'd call her out on that.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/04/2018 11:49

I don't think yabu but you are far too judgemental about her behaviour. Perhaps it's a phase and she'll get bored with it - going out that frequently and getting off your tits and snogging random men soon becomes rather boring and tedious.
Just don't go out with her if you feel too red from the 2nd hand embarrassment.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 11:49

I think you may need to grow up if you think the above behaviour is in any way acceptable on a night out with a friend. If anyone used me as an excuse to go on a multiple man-hunt and left me sitting on my own, then yes I'd have a problem with it. Absolutely fine if it's a teenager or early 20's but 44, come on. Are you a teen or just the 'ccol' friend

This is my comment, to save you firing off any more inaccuracies.

I wouldn't want a friend to keep leaping up and snogging someone if we were just out for a drink together, just the two of us, so decide whether you want to accept another invitation from her unless there's a group of you

Trying to belittle the views of posters by referring to their comments as 'trying to be cool' or 'being a teen' with a hollow lol at.' is rather grating.

TaytoAllDay · 10/04/2018 11:50

Let her do what she wants, she's having fun. Who cares.

And no, I wouldn't be surprised seeing a 44 year old woman doing that!

I saw a 50+ woman hitting on my DP one night Grin he's 25 & I'm 28. Lol. There are no boundaries, it's just a laugh at the end of the day.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:51

It’s more than a bit rude, it’s utterly self-centred arseholery of the highest order

Dancing and flirting on a dance floor is the above? Are you on glue?

Yeah cos that's all she's doing isn't it. How can you so blatantly disregard the others things in OPs posts about this friend?

CircleofWillis · 10/04/2018 11:54

OP, out of interest how old are you? Is part of your discomfort the fact that you see her as a much older woman?

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:55

outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager

What have I disregarded?

rightknockered · 10/04/2018 11:56

Her kids are safe and with their father, so she goes out. She sees men she fancies, has a dance, a flirt and a snog. Perfectly normal behaviour for a single woman. 40's is still young. I do this sometimes, would love more oppurtunities to. Let her have some fun. Are you jealous of the male attention she receives?

3stonedown · 10/04/2018 11:56

I just don't need attention from men to make me happy.

Sounds from your OP that you are in a relationship, in which case this is easy for you to say.

She might be feeling lonely at home, now she doesn't have a husband and wants attention.

Or she's just doing whatever the hell she wants which is good for her.

EasterRobin · 10/04/2018 11:57

I'd go out with at least one extra friend (ideally a few) as I'd be bored while she was off snogging randoms. But she can have fun however she likes as long as no one is getting hurt, and I'm not sat by myself crocheting beermats.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:57

SheGotBetteDavisEyes

This is my comment, to save you firing off any more inaccuracies
I wouldn't want a friend to keep leaping up and snogging someone if we were just out for a drink together, just the two of us, so decide whether you want to accept another invitation from her unless there's a group of you

No this was your comment to which I replied

Grow up

I think you may need to grow up if you think the above behaviour is in any way acceptable on a night out with a friend. If anyone used me as an excuse to go on a multiple man-hunt and left me sitting on my own, then yes I'd have a problem with it. Absolutely fine if it's a teenager or early 20's but 44, come on. Are you a teen or just the 'ccol' friend

Idontdowindows · 10/04/2018 11:57

Fucking hell, this thread is really full of "women over 40 should be hidden in the house".

WhaleTasting · 10/04/2018 11:58

Honestly, I think ending up slow-dancing and snogging some random on the dance floor while you are on a night out with one friend, who just has to sit there like a lemon or go home, is desperate and rude as fuck and on that score yanbu at all.

Agree with this. Especially if the person who you are out with doesn't get many nights out like most parents. However generally speaking I can see why she would be making the most of the single life. SHe might not want to be in a relationship again but not quite ready for the convent. I'd direct her towards tinder and ask her to keep the snogging to when you two aren't spending time together. Otherwise you might as well all bring partners, I doubt she'd be impressed if you brought DH and snogged him all night while you were meant to be hanging out.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:58

OP isn't posting because her friend is doing these things, its because she's doing these things and she over 40

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:58

Op You need to unpick 2 distinct points to get to what’s the issue

  1. Is she abandoning you when you're out socially, you’re alone she’s meeting men
  2. your clear disapproval of her behaviour. As I said So long as she’s safe, taking precautions and street smart I can’t see the problem

So,point1 if I was out with friend and she was drifting off to hook up and I was sat about yes I’d be unhappy. I’d be unhappy as a result of rudeness. If I plan a social evening with friend I don’t expect to be fitted in around men she’s met

Point2,she’s hooking up and meeting men. Frankly up to her. She’s adult,no dependent children left neglected at home I’d hope she was safe & street smart

Your post does reek of judgement, maybe that not what you intended. But reread it,it’s peppered with judgemental language

So in here and now,what are you going to do?do you want to remain friends?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/04/2018 12:00

Okay Frothy whatever. Confused

RoseWhiteTips · 10/04/2018 12:03

Acting like a teenager? Teenagers are usually way too cool to behave in a tacky way in public!!

CupofFrothyCoffee · 10/04/2018 12:04

Dancing and flirting on a dance floor is the above? Are you on glue?

outrageously flirting, kissing on the dance floor, slow dancing and generally acting like a bit of a teenager
What have I disregarded?

You've fixed it now.

RoseWhiteTips · 10/04/2018 12:05

I think most people who see her behaving like this will be raising an eyebrow or two. And that includes choosy males.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 12:05

No, they are pretty much the same thing, as I said Hmm

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 12:08

What is a choosy male?are you hosting misogyny for dummies tutorial
You see choosy male well it’s a bit good catch,and the inherent message to women to be good wife material
Maybe a choosy male would choosy her?