To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

It sounds like you have postnatal depression, you should see your GP, poor you :(

I've seen my GP and am on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. It helped for a while but not any more.

I think you need to find a counsellor and tell them everything you have written. You are not a terrible person at all.
Did you have anyone to talk to about your labour? PTSD after birth is a real thing. You are not on your own but you do need more help. Go to the GP and ask for greater supper, the current offerings are not enough. If you can afford private therapy please please access it.

You are not a terrible person.

Oh, OP. Nobody would give you a kicking, it's the last thing you need or deserve. I feel so sorry for you.

What's talking to you right now, the thing that's in control, is your PND. I don't have kids but I do have a long history of depression and when I am having an episode the voice that is in charge constantly tells me that I'm lazy, a bad person, incompetent, unlikeable, a let down to all who know me, a useless waste of space. It gets between me and my darling husband and makes me think I am dragging him down and ruining his life. It doesn't matter that none of those things are objectively true because the voice convinces me that they are.

You are not a terrible person. You are a normal person wth an illness that is altering your perception and your feelings. You are not to blame. You didn't cause this by anything you did wrong.

Please try looking online at PND resources and please tell your HV that you are still feeling this way. They won't take your son from you. They won't blame you. All that's happened is you haven't yet found the right treatment for your illness. Other options are out there. They will understand and they will help.

You deserve to feel better. Don't let the voice convince you otherwise.

Oh OP. You sound desperately unhappy. You're not a monster. You don't deserve a kicking. You need a big hug.

You need to be honest with your doctor and hv. Your meds are obviously not working so you need to find some that do. There are loads of antidepressants out there, you just have to keep trying till you find one that works. And when your pnd lifts you'll be able to focus on the good things about your beautiful son. His gummy smile, sleepy cuddles, soft hair. And then the love will come. I promise.

Don't give up. The first few months were awful for me as well and I struggled to bond with my daughter. It all clicked at about 6 months.

Hugs for you

You need to go back to your GP and say your mess have stopped working. You aren't bad you are unwell.

@PrettyLittIeThing they are involved because I was suicidal. I don't know what a plan is. They're not worried for his welfare. I feel sorry for him too. He deserves better.

Be honest with your mental health team, it’s the only way you will get better. You are not the first and you will not be the last to feel this way, I believe research has shown PND to be very very common amongst women who have struggled to bear children.
You can get better

You're being very hard on yourself. Some of those thoughts aren't normal, but you know that. You don't deserve a kick in. You need a hug and you need to be completely honest with the professionals involved in your care. Nothing will improve if they don't know how you really feel.

Dd was a much wanted baby, and I had periods where I honestly wondered what the hell we'd let ourselves in for. Most people have those kind of thoughts.

Can you phone your HV and explain how you honestly feel and ask what more can be done. Have you got a friend you could confide in who could give you a break? It must be hard having no other support.

Please be honest with your health care professionals. Don't try and bluff your way through your appointments; you need more help. Different medication/higher dose/counselling or something. You are ill. You're not a terrible person. The fact that your husband can see a time when things will be better, but you can't, is a classic symptom ime. You feel hopeless and like this will never end. It will! You just need the tools to get there.

That's really not helpful PrettyLittleThing, the op is clearly struggling and needs support. Hi op, I would go back to your doctors and explain how you feel. They may be able to refer you to a support group for women with post natal depression. Well done for reaching out for help, it's not easy

So sorry you feel like this OP.

I felt the same (and dreadfully guilty about it) until DD was about 9 months when the love finally hit. Before that, the daily baby grind was so awful I felt like I could barely get through each day. Now DD's 3 I couldn't love her more and we have a great time.

Being a 'mum' won't always mean 24/7 caring for a little baby and it's ok if you don't enjoy that stage. Be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry you feel like that. I think maybe you should go back to gp and explain how utterly dreadful you feel. Maybe a medication doesn't suit you? A new baby is very hardwork and not everyone adapts or loves it all. I really think you need more help and support. It will get better but me saying it means nothing.

Oh my. This was me. 100% I felt like you for 4 months after my first was born and probably the same for the second. I hated the boredom. I nearly left. I actually nearly left. But then I went back to work (the husband did split paternity/maternity leave) so once I was back at work I felt like baronial human and that space from the kids changed everything. I started to enjoy being with them. I felt I was more than just a milk machine. I remember those dark days but now for nearly 18months I’ve felt totally fine. I was never diagnosed with anything or given anything so it is possible to get out of the shadows.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I also think you should be honest with your mental health team so they can maybe alter your meds or get some more support. Are there any baby groups specifically for mum's struggling with Pnd? It would probably help to talk to people going through similar and people who have come through the other side. I hope you get some help like that on here too. The best advice I had was take time to fall in love with your baby. It's not an instant thing for everyone and I totally trust it will happen with time. Please be kind to yourself. Make sure you can get all the help you can because you deserve it.

Op I couldn’t read and run. I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t feel ashamed because you are so brave to say what you have said. I am mother to a 3yo dd and I can honestly say I didn’t feel that true love for her until she started to talk etc. I just felt like a vessel to feed her, carry her around etc and I missed my old life so much. Now I do feel that my Pnd has eased off (going back to work helps) and I feel so differently. It will get better. But I still have days where I miss my old life and I do believe that is totally normal. These days I just try not to dwell on those thoughts, I put them out of mind because this is my life now and 90% of the time I know im really lucky to have dd. The 10% is something I’m working on!

You are not a bad person. Of the trillions of people who have had a baby, a percentage of them struggle to develop a bond in the early days because of PND but go on to do so.

Be honest with your MH team. They won't remove your baby because you are looking after him just fine. It is you who are suffering.

OP you need to be honest with the team of people that are trying to help you so they can give you the right help. Please stop pretending and telling them you're getting better it's not helping you or your son. I don't feel sorry for your baby at all he clearly has a brilliant mother that cares so much about him. So much so that she's putting up a front and pretending she's ok. I do feel sorry for you though. These thoughts and feelings are overtaking who you truly are. Please get help. Pick up the phone and speak to someone right now. You won't lose your baby but you will get yourself back and you'll have everything you dreamed of before your little one was born!

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this

I had severe PND with my second DS and I felt exactly like this. I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER! Not overnight, but it does get better. He is now 3 and we have a great relationship.

My advice would be to ask your GP for stronger medication, and worry only about ensuring baby is fed/clean/warm/safe while you give yourself time to heal. The love and bonding has to come later, as you get better, harsh as that sounds. I used to hand baby over and walk out the door as soon as DH got home from work and sit in my car alone for a few hours (often crying) or go swimming if I could make myself (this was my therapists advice) and I really think that helped.

Please don't blame yourself! I know how hard that is but you are sick, not bad.

Also please don't worry about SS, they see so many women with PND, as long as baby is being physically looked after they will want you to stay together, and even if he wasn't they would then try and move you and baby into a unit together with support while you get better (which happened to a friend of mine - a childrens nurse- who is now completely better and adores her DS).

Sounds like you need your antidepressant dose increased OP. Be honest with the professionals, it really will help you. Return to your GP and explain that it helped but it is no longer helping and they will decide what is the better option.

FYI not everyone has that instant rush of love. I had 2 traumatic births, first having a stillborn along with a premature baby in ICU. We probably didn't bond until he was about 4/5 months. Second birth, was overdue and induced and it was horrific. Midwife put my son on me straight away, and I ignored him and told DH to take him. We bonded when he was about 9/10 weeks.

I feel awful looking back at it all now, but I now know I was suffering from depression and it clouded everything. Now I completely adore my sons, and would do absolutely everything and anything for them. Traumatic births can cause PTSD, and it's not just something you 'get over'. Don't be harsh on yourself, and ignore the nasty posts. You don't deserve to be flamed, you deserve help and support.

I really struggled to bond with ds1. I had both ante- and post-natal depression. I also had some pretty bad life stuff happening at that time. He's now a teenager, and I couldn't love him more. He is an amazing person, and while I love all my dc equally, probably the one I have the most in common with. I genuinely love hanging out with him. So just to say OP things can and do get better. x

Sad for you- and it's a horrible unspoken truth for many mums in early months, do keep speaking to your hv, they won't take your baby away - there was an excellent programme on bbc iplayer about exactly this. I spent first 6 months feeling terrible and isolated I wasn't enjoying it and guilty that I should be after wanting it for so long. I love my child so deeply but I still don't have motherhood as my favourite thing which was a real culture shock and a not entirely welcome look at myself. You are not awful - that would be if you didn't feel badly about it and were behaving so towards your baby. Please keep taking care of yourself and take each day as just that - renegade mothering blog has a great post about the darkness of becoming a parent and it really helped me to feel not alone when i was trying to work out how to even get through a morning, let alone the rest of my /our life. Much love

Talk about kicking someone when they're down, PLT?

OP - I am sending all my love and hugs to you. Your doc wouldn't diagnose PND unless it was happening. It is happening. You are doing your very best even though you are not well.

Take care of yourself. you are already doing an amazing job unit under the most difficult of circumstances. Big

You're not a terrible person. You have PND. It honestly took me 6 months to properly bond with my little boy.

You need some talking therapy and other support, not just meds. What area are you in? I might be able to signpost you to some.