To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

@NameChangeMama - the fact you even posted up here means you do love and care so much about your baby. You are trying to get well for them xx

You are failing no-one, being a parent is not easy and there is no manual they give us unfortunately. Never usually comment on these threads but as a soon to be mum again, my heart goes out to you. here’s some tea, cake and a big bunch of flowers

You are not alone OP please keep posting . I am thinking of you and hoping that your HV etc can get some more help to you ASAP (hugs)

OP I had a fairly crappy time around the birth of DC2, and I was convinced I didn't love him. I wasn't as unwell as you but I am a good mother for pushing through the pain and black cloud to care for him, and you are a good mother too. Honestly you are. Even if you can't feel that love it is there, driving you to care for your baby despite the crippling mental pain you're suffering.

This blog post might ring a few bells too?

Please please please be totally honest with your GP, HV and particularly your mental health team. I used to work in mental health and honestly all they want is to help and see you recover. They will also be absolutely totally used to people being less than honest with them because they (the patient) thinks they have to say certain things.

Never ever think you shouldn't be taking up resources - that's what they are they for and you obviously have a genuine need.

But you must be honest - don't try to pass it off, or let them pass it off, as a "bad day" which they might be forgiven for thinking if you have been putting on a really good face and they think you are better than you actually are. Now is the time to admit things aren't improving.

You really can get through this!

Yes this is how PND feels. I felt like this with both my DC. It does go away, honestly. At the moment it feels like you are in a black hole and things will be horrible forever, but I promise it will get better. They get easier, and your hormones get back to normal.

Just keep on doing what you're doing. It's enough for now. One day, maybe at 4 months maybe at 5 or 6, you will look up and think "actually today wasn't so bad". A few months later you will think "today was quite fun" and at some point you will think "wow he's actually a little person". And you will love him. Honestly. Don't feel bad if you don't yet - that's ok. Looking after him, cuddling him is enough.

I want to give you a massive hug! You’ve done the right thing in ringing. Please don’t feel bad for taking up resources - that’s what they’re there for!

One of my best friends was hospitalised with postnatal psychosis. It was bad. No one took her baby away, and it did get better. Her DD turned nine last week and she and my friend have a great relationship. Hasn’t affected her at all.

I have a two year old and an eight week old (so am in the relentless sleep deprived days myself!). I think the early weeks are really hard, you give so much and are so knackered and get so little back. It gets much easier when they start doing things and being entertaining (and sleep better!). Not to minimise the PND at all, just wanted to say that in my opinion it all does generally get to be more enjoyable!

I really hope things improve for you

Being a new parent is hard, it is a huge change and can come as a shock. That is before adding in PND.
I’ve had several friends with PND and honestly op it will get so much better. All of them absolutely love and are bonded with their children now. This is the dark place but nothing stays the same, you will start to feel better, time will pass , and all these feelings will feel like a bad dream. You won’t always feel like this. Be kind to yourself and keep reminding yourself that feelings are not facts, this is the illness, you WILL get better and it will all be ok.

It's very normal to have something of a 'letdown' once you have the longed for baby, @NameChangeMama I desperately wanted my 2 adopted DDs, but with both of them I didn't feel good enough and went through a period of wanting to give them back to their foster carers because obviously they'd do a much better job than I could.

Like you, I had a very supportive DH, who didn't know how to help me. For your information, @PrettyLittIeThing I don't think it's the case that the OP's DH doesn't want their DS, it's just that he's feeling helpless in the face of the fact that his DW is suicidal at times. My DH has had periods of feeling helpless with my issues, but he has been great mostly, which sounds the same as the OP's DH.

It really does get better and less overwhelming as they get bigger. (My two are 9 and 6 now.)

I can relate to everything you've written. I spent most of my pregnancy and a good chunk of time after giving birth wishing the whole nightmare would just go away because my life was ruined. I still have days when I wish DS didn't exist just so I could sleep and maybe have a day off and enjoy my life again. But it's the exhaustion and hormones talking.

You're doing a good job of looking after your DS. He doesn't know how you feel. You have plenty of time for things to improve without affecting him. And you're not a bad person, any more than someone who has cancer is. You have an illness and you need help. Babies are hard and thankless work, and it takes several months for them to become proper little people who communicate and smile and laugh. I have no doubt that your little man will become your best friend if you give him a chance.

The best thing you can do is get out of the house. Take DS for a walk, have a coffee. Join some mum and baby groups and talk to women who are going through the same experience. Realistically you need to give yourself six months out of your normal life for everything to settle and not get too worried about it, just accept that this is a phase that will pass. And be honest with your HV - you have to be a pretty bad mother (much worse than you) to have your baby taken away. Your DH needs to look after the baby and give you some time off at evenings and weekends too.

As the others have said go back to your GP. Sometimes meds don’t work and you need different ones or you need a higher dose. It’s definitely not your fault. You are ill and need help.are you seeing the mental health team?

First of all really unhelpful PLT.

Listen OP I don't have long as rushing to a meeting but I just wanted to say that I could have written your post 2 years ago. I felt the same as you and I was in similar circumstances. Late 30s, gone through IVF, got pregnant, easy pregnancy, premature baby and then the shit hit the fan and I thought 'I so don't want this child'. I had all the same feelings, something I thought I desperately wanted and then realised I didn't. I had severe PND (I suffered from depression for years but the PND was the worse ever). Some things you must remember

1. This will pass. You will feel differently about your child someday. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but someday you will feel unconditionally love for your son.
2. Something will help. You haven't found it yet. there are loads of antidepressants and it is a matter of finding the right one for you. this will take time but you have time and you have to remember that something will help you.
3. You are normal. loads of mums feel like you. You are braver than most in admitting how you feel. The early days are the worse. It is just boring and routine and you get nothing back from the baby. My child is now 2 and she can talk a bit to me and it is so much better than trying to guess what she wanted and not having a clue. You get more back when they get older. I had a lovely moment with my daughter yesterday when we were in a wee conversation - I enjoyed it so much. I would never have thought that possible in the first year of her life.
4. You will get better. you are in hell right now. you wont always be. For me it took a really good psychiatrist, a change of medication (like loads of changes) and getting back to work. I am not afraid to admit that I am not made out to be a stay at home mother. and maybe you are not either and that is ok. Getting back to work helps you get into a routine and gives you child free hours which means you are more likely to enjoy your more limited time with your child. If you are more honest with social services then you might offer you support to have the baby in a creche a couple of mornings a week (they did this for me) when you are still on maternity leave. This gives you a break. we all need child-free time. I feel bad that you don't have family support around to help you get a break so avail of any that is offered to you by social services. social services know that your child is being looked after and therefore you are not at risk of the child being taken off you (and I know you feel like you want this - I did too - but you wont always feel like this). I
5. Go back to your GP. If she/he isn't helpful go to another GP. Keep asking for help and be honest that you are struggling.
6. Ask for help. don't be afraid to. from friends if you don't have family.

I am so much better than I was 2 years ago. In fact I am a different person . I still have days of thinking 'Motherhood is such hard work' but I also have days of really enjoying my time with my child. you will have these days too. Remember that.

As Mommybear1 said, you are not alone OP. You are doing a great job and you are doing the right thing getting help. Please keep trying and don't let them fob you off. You deserve it and need it. Please keep posting here. We might be a virtual community but we really care and want you to be ok

Haven't read past the first post, but just wanted to add that I felt very similar. The best piece of advice was from a friend who told me that it takes time to fall in love with someone, and not to worry if I didn't feel it instantly. I didn't. One day it just crept up on me, and it was all consuming.

It will get better x

Just to add, with my first, I never felt the rush of love. I didn't suffer like you are ( for you) but I just loved him. It was just something that was always there. I was fine with him (PND with my second but that was thanks to my PIL fucking me over - it was nothing to do with DS2 who is the light of my life) but now that he is 5, diagnosed with Aspergers, ASD and ODD, I struggle with him. I still love him of course, but I sometimes have days where I wonder what it would be like if he wasn't around. He stayed a couple of days at PILs over the Easter holidays and I didn't really miss him, life was so much calmer. And that makes me a terrible person. But then he came back and although things were hard again, he is so funny and clever that I am learning to ignore the hard stuff, forget it once it's passed and just enjoy the good stuff. I keep a diary and write down all the lovely things that happen and he says but never record the crap stuff!

The point of this ramble is to say that we all struggle on this journey. It might be immediate, like you, it might be years later. Some people have terrible teenagers, I have a difficult 5 year old. We all do and say things we regret, but ultimately we keep going, we have to believe things will get better. They will get better.

OP I could have written your post 15 years ago. I still remember how I felt like it was yesterday.

In the clarity of now, I realise that I did love my DD, in fact I was fiercely protective of her but it was the overwhelming pressure of guilt of not breastfeeding/providing/etc combined with the PND that left me so overwhelmed and numb.

It seems so hard but aside from seeing if you can adjust your meds, please take time to celebrate your wins. You barely made it out of bed this morning but you did it and baby is fed = pat on the back. I know it doesn’t seem like much but the small steps add up.

I am not sure at what stage I realised that I was through it, I developed OCD and it does affect me even now so I can’t promise you a miracle cure. I did stop feeling suicidal and my DD is truly the light of my life, so much so that I now have 5DC and all of them are perfectly well adjusted and thriving despite my struggles. In many ways I have managed to use it to my advantage as I am more self aware/less shouty in general as I tend to over consider how my actions could affect someone else’s mental health.

It’s a long journey but it is a journey and as long as you keep walking the road, you are heading in the right direction. There is no destination that you are aiming for but plenty of little treasures to find along the way. The further you walk the closer and abundance of treasures will be there for you to cherish. Slowly these will overtake the bad days and eventually you will look back and see how far you have walked. And you will realise that you have been walking the journey all along

What you're feeling isn't at all unusual. It is awful and horrible though and really difficult to bear. But you're wrong that you don't love your son. It is incredibly hard to look after a baby. If you didn't love him you just wouldn't do it (and believe me there are plenty of people who just don't do it). You are doing it, because you love him, but you don't have full access to those feelings because you're so depressed. It is so so hard but you're doing well considering.

You say it'd be better if you died. You know that's not true.

The question you have to be asked is, do you have a plan for dying?

Hi OP. just wanted to say I posted a while back when I was feeling a bit like you do, although probably to a lesser extent. I definitely think you need a review of your medication. I'm on sertraline and whilst I don't enjoy some of the side effects, they have certainly helped. My little boy is 8 months now and it has got better for us. I had a meltdown in December and admitted to my husband that I didn't want my baby anymore and he said he felt the same. We both felt incredibly guilty as, like you, we had longed for a baby. However, over the last few months, the love has kicked in and we adore our little boy. He had a tongue tie as well so I had a huge battle with breastfeeding. I can't say it definitely will get better for you, but it has for us so I really really hope it will for you. Definitely go back to your gp and ask for more support. I'm sure you will get there. If you want to chat feel free to message me.

Oh OP, you do love your child and you are not a bad mother. You are just very unwell at the moment.

Ignore PLT's comment. You must seek support from wherever you can. Go to your GP today and tell them your meds aren't working. There's many different antidepressants to try and they can be a very individual type of medicine.

I'm sure you won't feel like this forever

You're not taking up resources, you are very unwell. You are doing brilliantly as it is. You feel that you don't love your child, but everything you're doing for him shows the exact opposite. Please tell your HV exactly what and how you feel. Just because the mental health crisis team thought you were getting better, is no excuse for them to put your difficulties down to a bad day. PND is a bitch, like any mental illness, some days you might feel slightly better, then crash and it's a pity they aren't more sympathetic to that.

As for you, you don't need kicking, you aren't taking up resources, you are ill and doing a stonking good job with you DS. With support, and I really hope you get this from your HV, you will come through this and the bond with your baby will go from strength to strength.

Op no one should give you a kicking and you do not deserve one .

I felt exactly the same as you and the bond grew over time I felt no instant surge of love. For me I found the early baby days boring and began to enjoy DD more the older she got , being able to see her enjoyment in things.

If the medication worked intially but isn't now it needs upping will take time to find the right dose for you.

Please be honest with professionals about how you feel no one will take your baby away .

I hope you've managed to get through to the other number suggested. You're being really brave admitting how you feel, do not feel bad about telling the crisis team how you feel, it is much more important that you get the help you need.
I lived with someone who was suicidal and was with her when she was sectioned. You wouldn't know now that she has ever had a problem. Depression is an all consuming illness but with help you will get better. As other posters have said, even parents no mh issues have days when they just want to cry, you are not alone. You're baby is safe, warm and fed, the fact you're trying to get help means you are doing everything you can to help your baby

Its NOT easy for everyone. Please believe me when I tell you that. Lots of people go through this, they do. There are lots of different types of love, and btw you do love baby because you are sticking it out, even though its so hard.

Just stay here, get help and it will get better it will.

You have strength, you wrote this post in a very strong, honest, clear way. Well done for acknowledging exactly how you feel.

So many feel just like you do now but can't find the strength to let it out. You may of helped someone else by doing so. I think doing this is a massive step forward. What lies ahead for you and your family? I don't know, but you are going in the right direction to change things. Lots of great advice here. Keep coming back, you really are amongst people who understand and will listen at anytime. We care about you.

Hi all,
We're just popping on to say that we have made some deletions; some for being goady or attacking and others for repeating the posts.
Please remember that Mumsnet is a support site, and frankly no one needs support more than a new mother with PND. Sympathy, empathy, and to the OP. It's hard. Hope the clouds clear soon. x