To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

Thank you MNHQ.

I had a trigger OP. When I was pregnant my Dad compared me to me elder sister who was the most wonderful, natural Mum (on the surface of it - she had her own struggles). I was expecting a rush of love that everyone talks about but it didn’t come. My dads words rang in my head at a time that I was feeling completely overwhelmed.

In effect I went into motherhood with a preconception of how it should be and it just wasn’t like that and I felt like I had let everyone down. I started off motherhood in a negative headspace and then the PND came and I didn’t even realise until baby was 9 months old and no-one around me helped (even though they claim they knew). I never shared it as some of my thoughts were so dark, I was convinced I would loose my DD. It is only after meeting so many other mums over the last 15 years that I realise how common and perfectly normal these thoughts and visualisations were.

I just wondered if you also have a trigger that would help you to talk about if you feel comfortable?

oh bless you.you have pnd,you need help,you arent a bad mum,you make sure his needs are met but you are struggling

you need to to be honest with hv/mental health

you also need to try and meet some local mums/friends so you get some adult interaction , as babies,esp newborn are boring

what area are you in? if anywhere near kent i would be happy meet

can you post on mn local

or apps like hoop show what activities are near you and mush new mums locally

can you go to a baby clinic/sure start centre/mother and toddler to get you out or libraries rhyme time(free)and can meet some people that way

please dont think you are a bad mum,you just need some help within your mind/mental health

YANBU You most definitely need more help than you're getting - you sound dreadfully low. Please ask for more help. If the medication hasn't worked then ask for a different type.

It's the hardest time of all, those first weeks with a newborn - such a shock to the system. I don't really remember those times with mine as it was a blur of exhaustion, so I can't relate to people who go all goey about newborn cuddles etc. It takes time to get to know these brand new people and it isn't particularly "rewarding" because you're constantly giving and getting nothing in return.

Honestly there scores and scores if not thousands of women out there/in here who don't think you're an evil bad person - it just sounds like you are exhausted and depressed and need support.

I've not had experience of PND myself, however my DH has had depression a couple of times and each time his feelings of love and attachment towards all the people that matter to him disappear - me, our dd, his parents, aunts and uncles, friends, all the feelings of love just sink beneath a fog of depression until he believes they are no longer there. When the depression clears over time all his feelings return to the way they were. I don't think you can ever underestimate just how much depression - in any form - can mess with your feelings towards those around you and your life in general, it can utterly change your perception of everything beyond anything you recognise. It's not you, it's the pnd, and if current options aren't working for you then there will something different your GP can try for you. I don't think MH medications and therapies are 'one size fits all' you may need to try a few things to see what helps you. Good luck with everything, I hope you are able to turn a corner to happier times ahead.

Depression is a bugger. You're not rubbish, it is. Please get help, be kind to yourself and you'll look back on this from a completely different place. xx

Sorry you are ill OP, things will get better, you just need support to get you through. As well as professional support, do you have any good friends that you can rely on? Being a parent is really tough. Don’t be hard on yourself, you are not a bad mum at all. Keeping talking. Sending you a hug 🤗💐

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb... I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way.

OP this is depression, this is what it's like. I've felt like this and I know how horrendous it is. You feel like you've wandered off down a dark cul-de-sac away from happiness and you'll never get back. You cannot have a sense of humour about it whatsoever - you lose perspective and it feels like the end of your life.

I promise you, it isn't. PND is the worst because you have these awful feelings while having to also do this incredibly hard, and unfamiliar, job and on top of that everyone's expecting you to be on cloud nine.

I remember meeting a friend in a cafe with our new babies and I could hardly face it but I dragged myself out. She was talking and I just felt like I was staring at her like a glassy-eyed fish and inside all I could think was "I don't care what you're saying, I don't care about anything".

Firstly, go back, tell the GP and HV how bad it is and ask for more help. If your AD isn't working, there are others that will probably suit you better - I tried 4 in all and found one that made all the difference. Yes it may take a few weeks but you will get there.

Counselling may also hep a lot. So may something to help you sleep. And forgive yourself, because you are ill, not a bad person.

Try to stop worrying about your baby - he is well cared for and a loving mum is waiting for him. You will get through this.

I do hope you get the care you need very soon. It can be a long road to recovery but you won't feel like this forever and you will be well again. I think it's important to remind yourself that you are unwell. You are not a bad person for being unlucky enough to develop PND- you need empathy, support, kindness and professional intervention.

Very best of luck for your recovery. You will be well again- it takes time.

Hi OP. You sound like me when I had my baby. I can't offer much because I refused medication and counselling didn't help me but I can promise you it WILL get better. My girl is 8.5 months and I love her so much. I spent the first 6 months in a complete state. But now she's like my ray of sunshine and I didn't ruin her like I thought I would.

Your little one is still so small. Things will get better.

I was you. I was filled with regret about having my child. It will clear, I promise you it will. You will bond, I think it took me a good year to bond with my one properly, before that I was just going through the motions because I had to. Now he's two and I love him more than life itself and brings me so much joy. I'm still too scared to have another incase I feel like I did because it's horrible. But it will get better!

OP if you are feeling suicidal today then you need to contact someone right now and tell them, whether that is SS, your GP, HV or mental health team.

You are not wasting resources, there is a reason those resources are there and that is to help those who need it! The person who told you that you are having a bad day needs their arse kicked!

Please don't feel that you have to pretend that you are improving, that will not help you get better. SS are involved to HELP you, they want to keep families together and will do their utmost to do that. What contact have you had with them so far?

I wanted my DD very much but I didn't bond with her for months. I functioned.

I had a difficult pregnancy and a traumatic birth. I then had an awful experience in the hospital. Add in the pressure to BF and a velcro baby that I could not put down. She did not sleep until she was finally diagnosed with reflux and prescribed meds.

I was exhausted, hormonal, anxious and hated what my life had become. I was isolated by the exhaustion as I couldn't find the energy or motivation or mental capacity to do everything I needed to do to just simply leave the house.

Everyone loved my baby but I felt nothing when I looked at her. I kept it to myself. It wasn't until I had a panic attack one morning in front of then DH and he rang the GP and HV that anything changed.

I was prescribed anti d's and and had visits from my HV every other day until the mental health team could see me. I wasn't suicidal but I just wanted to stop feeling the way that I did. The only way to do that was to engage and be honest with the people trying to help me.

With the anti d's I was warned I'd feel worse for a few weeks before I felt better, and I did. But gradually they started to have a positive effect. Once I stopped feeling so anxious and over whelmed by everything I had space to feel love for my daughter.

As someone up thread mentioned, having a child torpedoes your life, it will never be the same again. I grieved for my footloose and fancy free life initially but that passed.

The best thing that happened to me was my HV referring me to a fortnightly baby group. That was manageable initially and I gradually joined other baby groups as I improved. They became a lifeline to me, to have structure to days and social interaction again.

I hope you seek help today and that things start to improve for you. I think if you only take one thing away from all the comments on your post is that you are not alone in feeling how you do

I'm convinced that PND is sometimes the dichotomy that arises between the independence one enjoyed before parenthood vs the reality of the huge responsibility for another human being. That responsibility can feel huge, and onerous and restrictive. Well let's be honest, it is all those things, especially for us women. Because we are the ones who take on the primary share of responsibility. The ones who sometimes cannot even go to the loo for a minute, who are expected to fit a model of maternity.

I believe that there can also be an element of grieving for the sudden end of your past life and that this is NORMAL. It is something no one talks about, but it is completely fine. I don't believe it is abnormal to miss your old life, and freedom, to grieve for what disappears the minute you give birth. Every life transition requires an adaptation. Take turning 40 for eg. Everyone accepts that it is a major life transition which can make a person reevaluate everything and temporarily sad. We even have a term for it the 'mid-life crisis'. Why is approaching the mid point of our lives deemed worthy of lamentation, but the sudden loss of our freedom years through childbirth not?

I had severe PND, and I found that what I was doing was adapting mentally, until I had properly mourned the end of my freedom, I wasn't able to feel a lot for my baby. Didn't mean I didn't love him. Just meant that I had a lot to come to terms with, and my mind - due to fatigue, due to not having enough time inbetween looking after a newborn- couldn't keep up and process it all at once.

I think it would help you if you stop telling yourself what you should be feeling, because what you're feeling is rational. It takes a lot of physical and mental effort to bring forth and look after a child. It is rational to grieve over the past life you had especially when the 'new' one feels so shit at the beginning with post birth body, fatigue, a constantly demanding completely selfish infant, zero alone time etc. I think you ought to accept that its fine to feel crap right now, and take the pressure off feeling something, I promise you it will all come in time.

Listen to what everyone is telling you on this thread. You're doing brilliantly xx

I was like this for a year after ds was born.please get the help and support you need x

You're a new mum going through the hades of pnd but
know that it will pass, op, it will, I promise.
Lots of us have trod this same path that you're
on my love, keep posting here for support and a hand hold.

OP you haven't decided to feel like this, you can't help it. It is the chemicals in your brain. You can't force yourself to feel love but you have the power to ask for help from medical professionals. You are making sure your DS is cared for so you are not a terrible mum.

The only thing that shocked me about your post was that your husband feels the same. He should be filling the gap while you're ill.

Men can suffer a form of PND too

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

Remember this, OP Thoughts are not facts

You’ve had so much great advice I won’t repeat it but please, please know you are not a failure, or being punished. You are severely unwell. If you can’t face pushing for further help then your DH needs to do it, just as if you had pneumonia or a fractured limb.

One of my closest friends had one of the worst cases of PND and even had to be admitted to a specialist unit. Her dc are now adults and they have the best, closest and most loving relationship you can imagine. And so will you.

Your not terrible you just need some professional help. Your doing the best you can to care for him. Don’t feel bad but talk to people and ask for help from a therapist. There’s no shame in having PND it’s common and you can get help.

This is so very much not just you OP.

Many MANY women experience this after having a traumatic birth experience. It is a travesty that the medical system fails to recognize the issues caused by traumatic births and does sweet FA to help women regain their sense of self after such an event.

I am furious on your behalf!

Here are some things that are absolutely true.

1. Your child will be better off with you in his life than not, even when you are at your absolute worse.

1. You will not be at your absolute worse for ever - recovery is very possible. I would strongly recommend a talking therapy to help you recover from your traumatic experience and find yourself again. You deserve to recover, let alone that your DS deserves to have his mother recover.

1. Children will thrive with their basic requirements met (food, safety, warmth). At 13 weeks you are providing EVERYTHING your DS needs, successfully and in the face of great adversity. As your DS gets older he will need at least one parental figure meeting his emotional attachment needs - if that isn't you while you are ill, then it could be your DP, until such a time as you recover and get where you want to be.

1. While it might feel that you are doing irrevocable damage to your child, this is in fact the depression talking. It might seem unbelievable from where you are now, but when you break back out of depression and back into a normal mental functioning pattern, nothing that has happened will seem as bad as it does now, nothing will seem as permanent, and (very much to my surprise when it happened to me) you might actually feel proud of what you are achieving at the moment, of how much you gave and a what personal cost when you were in the depths of a truly nasty illness.

Thank you all so much. You have been so lovely. More than I deserve. I'm sorry I can't respond to you all individually. I feel so much for those of you who have been through this or similar and admire you beyond measure for making it through. You give me hope that I might too.

My HV came round and was wonderful. She called my DP who has come home from work and sent me up to have a bath and a sleep. The mental health team have also been out. I think they very much feel it's just a blip and I'll be okay tomorrow / next week etc. Maybe they're right. But right now I feel like if nothing changes I will have to kill myself to get out of the situation. It seems the only logical option. But I'm not sure I could do it to DP. I just so desperately want someone to take DS away. But I also wouldn't be able to live with myself not knowing if he was okay or not, being worried that he wasn't safe and loved and warm. As much as I struggle to feel bonded to him, I DO feel a very intense desire to protect him - I can't ever leave him to cry - and I would die if he was hurt because of my pathetic weakness.

@CookPassBabtridge DP is filling the gaps where he can, and is being absolutely wonderful to both me and DS. However I think it's hard for him not to regret it given how unhappy I am. Things have been difficult right from the start and I think that has made it hard for DP to bond. But an outsider would never know.

That intense desire to protect your son is love, it just doesn't feel that way because of the depression.

Have your MH team asked you about any plans you've made around your suicidal feelings?

@Spaghettijumper Yes - I haven't made plans but have planned to make a plan if things don't get better, if that makes sense.

I so desperately want to love and enjoy DS. I just can't see how it's possible. I'm constantly anxious about what the next challenge is going to be - will he nap after his next bottle, will he sleep tonight, how will he handle teething, how will I cope with weaning etc. It feels so relentless, I just want to escape.

I should never ever have had him. I'm just too selfish.

If you do make a plan, could you share it on here first? There will always be someone listening.