To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

I didn't have as severe PND as you but I had many similar feelings at 13 weeks. I hated being a mum so much even though it had been all I ever wanted. I massively resented the lack of sleep, the constant crying, lack of freedom etc. I researched giving DS up for adoption and I cried so much.

The worst passed around 6 months although it took to 12 months for me to start enjoying being a mum. DS is now 2 and I love being a mum, he is the best little person I have ever met. Communication was key for me, once I was able to communicate with him and he with me even very simply it all became so much easier and so much more fun. He can also reciprocate love now too which makes hard times easier.

It sounds exactly as I felt with PND. I know you've reached out for help but I really think you need to tell them the truth and change your meds. You may have needed a dose change or to try a different one.

I went from feeling exactly as you've described with no hope at all to my old self. It took about a month on Sertraline but it really does go away if you get the right meds.

Time used to go so slowly a week felt like a year. I know a month sounds like a long time now but just stick with it. The meds worked instantly for me but then a week later nothing. Guess it was placebo or maybe just the start of having it in my system but the 4 weeks felt even worse because I felt like you've described, that it didn't work. Are you still taking them? And if so, how long for?

They started me on 50mg which is the lowest therapeutic dose. It varies from person to person (nothing to do with how depressed you are) so a dose increase may be required to get you to that point.

It's a chemical imbalance so you need medical help IMO. Please try not to beat yourself up. And do be honest with your team. They are not going to take your baby away, they're there to help.

I won't call @PrettyLittIeThing what I'd like to for fear of this getting deleted but they're a complete idiot. You could have been singing lullaby's whilst breastfeeding your son in a sling and baking pies for the past 13 weeks ... He isn't going to remember. You've said you've been going thorough the motions of caring for him which is the main thing at the moment.

I felt completely ambivalent towards my baby when I was really unwell. And like you didn't think I could ever feel differently but now we have an amazing bond and she's a really happy baby.

op,you are not a bad or horrible mum.
Life will improve and you and your dp will enjoy being parents to your dc,hold on to that thought.
Ring your g.p or mental health team contact and explain how you feel and that current medication is not working.Ask for counselling and a change in medication.
Can you afford to put your lo in nursery for a few hours to give you and dp a break?
Please don't heap blame on yourself,it won't help anyone.

But I know that's not the same as being loved and I'm failing him massively.

No sweetheart, you aren't.

As a personal anecdote my mother had incredibly severe PND with me and didn't feel bonded with me until I was two years old. She feels dreadful guilt about it even now.

I don't remember anything negative about my early years at all. I remember feeling safe, warm, loved, fed.

I'm really close to my mum, we speak every day.

You do NOT deserve a kicking.

Just seen your update. Is there an emergency number that you can call? Or anyone. Contact the GP or even Social Services. If you are feeling suicidal OP, you need to contact someone urgently.

I agree it's no good to just say that you're having a bad day. PND is not just a bad day, it needs addressing properly. Can you call your parents, in-laws - anyone who can help. Did your mental health team give you a crisis number?

You are so not alone. I felt exactly the same. I was worried about my twins, everything I did was for them but I didn’t feel that love for a long time. You really need to be honest - your dosage may just need adjusting. Hang in there.

My baby is 5 months old now and I got help at 6w. So I've only really been better for 2 months but I'm still on medication until the summer.

This forum is full of women who have been through this and come out the other side. You will too, even though it doesn't feel like it now.

Remember a depressed brain isn't to be trusted. The PND does an amazing job of making you feel like there's no hope but there is.

Keep posting here it you find it helpful, we're all here for you and it will get better.

Sorry - also meant to say that Social Services were involved in my case too; the GP had to report what I had said as a duty of care. The social worker I saw couldn't have been nicer. They don't want to split families up unless they have to; they want to support families in getting better. They saw the fact that I had been honest about my violent thoughts as a positive: it actually made me less dangerous in their eyes than if I had bottled it up. Tell them exactly how you feel and hold back nothing.

OP please don't think you're a bad person, you are I'll is all.
I was diagnosed was PTSD after my DC and had to go up to 200mg sertraline until I rrally started to feel better (apparently that's a rather large dose!) I did bond with DC but I never ever liked any of the baby care stuff. Babies are hard work, they cry, scream constantly need things and don't give a lot back. Yeah they're cute for about 5 mins a day but the rest pretty dull! I used to think I now know why sleep deprivation, hunger and noise are used as torture methods! So my point is even if I wasn't I'll at the time I wouldn't have enjoyed the baby stage anyway, and that's ok. My DC is now 3 and I do enjoy it, children are fun, babies are boring. Don't beat yourself up, you'll get there.

Is there anything you could do that you enjoy for yourself, or could you maybe go back to work? Are you getting time to yourself. I think you said you're formula feeding now. When we went onto formula I would have every Saturday night off (DP took DC) and I would go for a walk, get a coffee, pop a sleeping tablet and sleep for 12 hours. Bliss!

I don't normally comment and haven't read the full thread but your post resonated with me...I felt exactly the same and things can get better. I didn't feel I bonded with either of my children til 3 months + and with my first I felt like you have described - imagining him dying so things could go back to normal. It is not unusual, it is not your fault and it will get better. Medication worked for me and I would suggest going back to your GP to review your current medication as it is no longer working. Therapy can come later if you feel that would be beneficial. For what it's worth I now love being a mum and went on to have a second child - the first 3 months were tough again but so much easier as I knew it was temporary.

You are not a terrible person, you are absolutely not and you need to tell yourself this again and again. You have been through a traumatic birth and have PND (and potentially PTSD following the trauma of the birth). You are ill, not a terrible person. Echoing other comments from posters, be honest with your team so you can get the help you deserve.

I longed for DS and the path to becoming pregnant was a very difficult one. Once I had him I felt like I should be so grateful that I had no right to complain but the first 4 months were very dark days. Today, I could not imagine my life without DS, he is my absolute world. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

So sorry to read this OP. Sending love and hugs 💐
All I can add really is more of the same, be honest with everyone around you and they will be able to help.
I can also share my own experiences with you in the hope that it might make you feel just a tiny bit better. I got pregnant completely by accident when I was 19, I had been with my boyfriend for only 8 weeks and I was terrified of his reaction. He was in fact hugely supportive and told me he would support me whatever I decided. I am completely against abortion for myself (not my place to judge anyone else’s circumstances) so I went ahead with the pregnancy, although I remained unsure that it was really what I wanted throughout. When DS was born my boyfriend was a natural and took to it straight away, but while I liked DS I felt I was going through the motions out of a sense of duty rather than because I loved him. This got progressively worse as we moved into a flat together when DS was three months, then a close friend died unexpectedly when DS was 6 months. This tipped me over the edge, I completely broke down, couldn’t do anything for DS and couldn’t stop crying. I moved back in with my parents and saw DS and my boyfriend once a week. Our relationship broke down, we fought all the time and I had suicidal thoughts. When DS was almost a year, I collected him from my boyfriend’s flat, and instead of taking him back to my parents, we got on a train and ended up at the seaside. I took DS to the beach and cried all the tears I could cry. Then I watched DS playing in the sand and something inside me snapped, I could never kill myself and leave him without a mum, I had to get better for him as well as myself. I called my parents who came and collected us and I went to the doctor and talked through everything. I was referred for councilling and gradually things improved, I started to see more of DS, and enjoy my time with him, and managed to rebuild my relationship with my boyfriend. I moved back in with them and we actually started trying for another baby a while later. I don’t need councilling anymore, I feel better than ever before, I am completely in love with DS, and new DD born in December, and boyfriend and I are now engaged.
You are not a terrible person and it will get better. Stay strong xxxx

I don't have anything to add except to repeat that you are not a bad person. You are looking after your son - if you were neglecting him, leaving him to cry, not feeding him etc, then that would be wrong, but he is looked after and loved in the way you can manage at the moment.

Sounds like your have severe PND. Don't let anyone fob you off with "having a bad day" - push to be seen, break down in front of people if you need to. I did, and it really made a difference! And I wasn't nearly as bad as you.

Please do not judge yourself. You are reaching out for help, you want to love your baby, and in time you will. You need to work out what is causing this block,, could be the PND, could be PTSD, could be some inbuilt fear of losing him like with the miscarriages - perhaps on some deep level you are stopping yourself from loving him because you think you'll lose him like the others. Counselling may help with that.

Do you have time to yourself? You say you don't get out much which can be depressing in itself, do you have someone who could have baby for an hour or two while you get your hair done/sit in a coffee shop with a book/meet a friend? Perhaps your DP could take the baby on a Saturday morning and you could do whatever works for you - gym/walking/reading/meeting friends etc. Perhaps if you were able to get out and about a bit you would start to feel better, and then perhaps that could transfer across to getting out with DS?

Please, please don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can and no one can ask for more.

Forgot to say that you aren't a terrible person! At that age all a baby needs is milk, clean nappies, warm clothes and cuddles and it sounds as though you are doing all that. I was so worried that DS would somehow know that I was only going through the motions but he had no clue and our bond now is amazing, I am sure that you will have that one day too :) Definitely talk to your MH team, do you have a support network of friends or family at all?

@maygirl27 The crisis number was what I called. They sounded really cross as I think they felt I was getting better. I feel really bad for taking up so many resources - this should be easy, everyone does it. I think my HV will come out.

I don't have any family nearby. My FIL is the closest but he's over an hour away and is in his 80s - plus he really doesn't understand depression of any kind. My parents are in another country and my mum is chronically ill so I can't worry them. DP has already had weeks off and if he took any more time off he would lose his job, and then we'd lose our house. There's no way out.

Just echoing what pp have said.

I had an awful time for about the first five months; I didn't wish my ds dead but I wished I'd never got pregnant. I found being with him draining and boring and restricting and then I felt awful guilt for feeling this way. I'm not sure why it changed but it did, it got just that bit easier.

My ds will soon be 3 and I love him literally more than anything else. It will get better @NameChangeMama honestly.

As your mental health team do not seem to be helping - contact PANDAS here there helpline is: 0843 28 98 401
They can help, so keep trying to get through.

What about any friends OP? Anyone nearby who can pop in occasionally? I had no family or friends close either and it does make things so hard xx

@Osopolar There's nobody. I know how pathetic that sounds. All my friends work and most aren't local - we only just moved here.

@Bekabeech thank you, I will call them.

You're all so kind. Thank you. It really is helping to know that I'm not alone.

*Phone them back and tell them it isn't just a bad day and that you are in crisis
*
Tell them about the suicidal thoughts because you deserve care

op the first few months can be fucking awful. Your whole life is shot to shit and no one really warns you about it. I really really wanted DS we tried for 4 years to conceive him and in the early weeks both me and DH often thought "what the fuck have we done, we have ruined our lives!"
I actually think those thoughts are pretty common but people just don't say it.

You know how I got through it? All of my friends has been open and spoken about feeling the same way. None assumed I would love him straight away because many of them hadnt with their own children. All told me to accept that I might think the whole idea was a mistake. DH read online support for men who felt the same way.

Now? DS is the absolute light of ours lives, we couldn't be happier. All of my friends who warned me how shit it could be are amazing mums and happy. One friend who was suicidal for over 9 months is the happiest best mum I know.

It gets better. It really does. You will all be ok but please keep reaching out and getting the help.

You don't sound pathetic at all! I was in the same situation and it is so so rubbish. If you happen to live in Newport South Wales or surrounding area then let me know!

@NameChangeMama you are not better, your body has gone through massive hormone and chemical changes and it takes a huge amount of time for it to recover. But what people forget is that your brain has also had all these chemical changes too.

I could have written your story, but I got better and you will too if you get the right medical treatment. Don't worry about your DS, you are meeting all of his needs even though you're don't realise it, it's your needs you're not meeting.

My DS is 20 and we have a fantastic relationship, you will too with your DS. And I went on to have 3 more children, with 1 no PND, and with 1 a little and with the third horrendous. But I was aware of it because of DS.

All the possibilities are there for you, just one day at a time.

this should be easy, everyone does it

I have a 5mo and this thought has crossed my mind so many times. Also that he would be better off without me and that I'm failing etc etc
Someone upthread said that a depressed brain isn't to be trusted. That is so true. I wish I could offer you more help but I just wanted to say you're not alone. Many women have suffered varying degrees of PND and it's completely normal. As well as feeling overwhelmed by how hard it is! I developed insomnia as well and a wicked temper. I also hear my son crying when he isn't. Please don't be hard on yourself. People say it gets better and I believe them. You need to be kind to yourself. What would you say to a best friend if they were feeling like you are?

Ps life with a non napping baby is fucking exhausting! Honestly, you're doing amazing to survive that in itself!

it does sound as if you need to speak to GP or a HCP again as your clearly not coping with things. its good that the baby is being looked after and cared for , but to feel so numb must be hard especially as he was so wanted. At least your being honest about how your feeling.
let us know how you get on. hope some of the advice on here can help a bit.