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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To hate being a mum

278 replies

NameChangeMama · 09/04/2018 10:34

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

OP posts:
urbanturban · 29/06/2018 21:49

@NameChangeMama what a lovely post, I'm so delighted for you. 😁
And what a wonderful person you are to offer your support to others.......your baby is lucky to have you as a mummy 😍

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 29/06/2018 21:58

What a lovely update! So so happy for you ok Flowers

Wifeincognito · 29/06/2018 22:18

I had a very traumatic birth too and whilst I didn't have PN, it took me a long long time to create a bond with DS as I was going through the emotional & physical recovery from the birth. I didn't have friends with kids either. Ours never slept more than 2 hours for the first few months so the lack of sleep and the only ever broken sleep was debilitating. That said things do get better. You need to try go out even if it's just a short walk each day, put the pram to use and give it a go. The sun, fresh air and even as much as a small chat with the local shopkeeper can really make a difference. I do feel for you but really, it does get better.

scantilylace · 29/06/2018 23:26

Thank you so much for coming back to update! I feel like your thread should be pinned/ added to classics because it's such a classic example of PND, and you've done fantastically to engage with support and be honest.

All the best to you and your lovely DD

Original poster
Namechangemama · 16/02/2021 10:25

Hello all. Sorry for bumping this thread after such a long time but I know when I was searching for info on PND I desperately wanted to know how these sorts of threads "ended" to give me a bit of hope. And I share this thread quite often with people I see going through similar things so wanted to make sure it was up to date. Not expecting any responses!

My beautiful DD is now 3 years old and the absolute light and love of my life. I fall more in love with her every day, quite genuinely. More importantly, I don't believe she or our bond have been impacted in any way by my post-natal depression, despite it being so severe. She is a confident, funny, loving and secure little girl, and we are absolute best pals.

Sadly my lovely DH passed away suddenly last year which has obviously been incredibly hard. But the miracle has been DD. She has kept me going in a way I could never have imagined she would. If you had told me at the beginning of this thread that in less than 3 years I would be left parenting her alone without DH I would have killed myself. Because I couldn't possibly have imagined coping alone, let alone finding joy and happiness in her. And yet here I am. I miss DH so, so intensely and I know I always will, but I get up every morning looking forward to seeing DD, despite the sadness.

So for anyone else experiencing the same feelings towards your baby, please know that it can change. It WILL change. I've gone from regretting ever having a baby to that baby - now massive tall child! - being my absolute reason for being and life's purest joy and fulfilment.

Please know that I am ALWAYS here at the end of a DM for anyone feeling the same way and I will be for the rest of my life, no matter how long it's been. Fellow PND sufferers and the lovely MNetters who posted on this thread saved my life, and I will always want to pay that kindness forward if I can.

Wishing you all well and thank you once again for all the kindness you showed me. For me, this thread was MN at its best - an army of women rising to prop up someone who was falling with love, empathy and strength. You didn't know it at the time but you saved my life and saved my DD from growing up without a Daddy OR a Mummy. That's a pretty amazing thing. Thank you. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeMama · 16/02/2021 10:28

Hmm, not sure why my previous post isn't showing up as an OP post - presumably because it's a name change (my actual username is peachgreen). Have reported to MNHQ to get it updated.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeMama · 16/02/2021 10:30

Ahh. Capitalisation matters. Okay. I'll try that again!

Hello all. Sorry for bumping this thread after such a long time but I know when I was searching for info on PND I desperately wanted to know how these sorts of threads "ended" to give me a bit of hope. And I share this thread quite often with people I see going through similar things so wanted to make sure it was up to date. Not expecting any responses!

My beautiful DD is now 3 years old and the absolute light and love of my life. I fall more in love with her every day, quite genuinely. More importantly, I don't believe she or our bond have been impacted in any way by my post-natal depression, despite it being so severe. She is a confident, funny, loving and secure little girl, and we are absolute best pals.

Sadly my lovely DH passed away suddenly last year which has obviously been incredibly hard. But the miracle has been DD. She has kept me going in a way I could never have imagined she would. If you had told me at the beginning of this thread that in less than 3 years I would be left parenting her alone without DH I would have killed myself. Because I couldn't possibly have imagined coping alone, let alone finding joy and happiness in her. And yet here I am. I miss DH so, so intensely and I know I always will, but I get up every morning looking forward to seeing DD, despite the sadness.

So for anyone else experiencing the same feelings towards your baby, please know that it can change. It WILL change. I've gone from regretting ever having a baby to that baby - now massive tall child! - being my absolute reason for being and life's purest joy and fulfilment.

Please know that I am ALWAYS here at the end of a DM for anyone feeling the same way and I will be for the rest of my life, no matter how long it's been. Fellow PND sufferers and the lovely MNetters who posted on this thread saved my life, and I will always want to pay that kindness forward if I can.

Wishing you all well and thank you once again for all the kindness you showed me. For me, this thread was MN at its best - an army of women rising to prop up someone who was falling with love, empathy and strength. You didn't know it at the time but you saved my life and saved my DD from growing up without a Daddy OR a Mummy. That's a pretty amazing thing. Thank you. flowers

OP posts:
Jj2431 · 16/02/2021 10:47

I didn't realise this was an old thread when I started reading this morning but wow, I am so happy for you but so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I had PND with my second born and felt regrets and like he hated me etc and I recovered and he is now a 7 year old mummy's boy and our bond is unbreakable. I now have a 6 month old dd (3rd and last) and although not as bad depression has crept in but I know deep down it will pass. So nice of you to update as not many do. Lots of love to you x

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 16/02/2021 11:00

Oh OP I am both happy for you that you have your wonderful bond with your DD and the joy of parenting but also devastated for you for the loss of your DH.

When I first started reading the thread I didn't clock the date and was going to post telling you that I hated the first months of my DS' life and was desperate for someone to take him away. It took months for me to love him. However he is now 5 and the love of my life. Like you I don't believe our bond has been affected at all, I can't see how we could be any closer than we are. I am so glad that this is also the case for you and I hope that it brings hope to anyone currently experiencing those awful feelings and reading this.

B1rthis · 16/02/2021 11:03

Unless you talk and grieve through the trauma of your child's birth you are unlikely to be able to move forward.
Find someone independent of the hospital you birthed at and discuss the birth with them.
Everyone should have a blissful birth, everyone.

Mrsmummy90 · 16/02/2021 11:09

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. Sending you a massive hug!

I love your update. I am so happy that you formed an incredible bond with your dd and recovered from PND. It really is a horrific mental illness that needs to be talked about more.
You have come so far and I'm so proud of you xx

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 16/02/2021 11:13

Oh OP Flowers I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. At the same time I'm so happy for you that you found a way through and have an amazing bond with your little one. Wishing you all the best.

Elskerdeg · 16/02/2021 11:14

How wonderful of you to update!
When I went through an extremely similar start to motherhood, I came across lots of posts but none ever had an update. Hopefully someone who needs this will see it
It is lovely how you speak about your dd.
I am so sorry about your dh Flowers.

Surlyburd · 16/02/2021 11:18

Please see a GP, you are not a terrible person. You dont have to feel like this any more. I know it can be daunting to admit you arent finding motherhood as fulfilling as you thought , but honestly, after what you've been through anyone would struggle.

You are doing a great job, you get up every day, keep your son happy , do everything for him, more than likely neglecting yourself in the process. Be proud of yourself for coming so far.

Surlyburd · 16/02/2021 11:20

Sorry, didnt realise this thread was old. Am glad you found a way through Smile

kittycat863 · 16/02/2021 11:21

I wish I could be there with you right now and give you a huge hug. 13 weeks is hard, man. Probably the worst time of all is right around then because you've been SO tired for a prolonged period of time and just don't see a way out. And actually I CAN relate to how you are feeling. It wasn't quite as bad for me, but not one thing you've said sounds too far off from what I've experienced. Especially as I'm seeing you beat yourself up over and over again. This was something I did to myself all the time, and just cried and cried and lost sleep. To give you some hope, I was pretty much over it by 5 months. Also, I'm confident now that I'm a damn good parent :) The newborn stuff is just rough in a way that nobody can explain properly to you before you experience it.

kittycat863 · 16/02/2021 11:35

Oh I just now saw your update. I'm so sorry for your loss but am very happy that you pulled through. Thank you for touching base on this topic. I think it could really help fellow sufferers.

Mia1415 · 16/02/2021 11:40

Oh my goodness, your update has made me cry.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your husband. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.

I'm so very pleased though that you are doing so much better though. I can remember your thread well. Thank you so much for updating. I'm sure it will help people that find themselves in a similar situation.

Couchbettato · 16/02/2021 11:57

What a rollercoaster OP.

Is there a way @MNHQ can save this thread for future mums who might struggle with PND?

Your case is quite extreme, but just goes to show that it does get better.

I'm so sorry about your husband. I hope you're doing much better now and taking it one day at a time.

I didn't feel immediate love for my baby either. And he is the reason I still breathe now. It's amazing how things change and so horrific how drastically low depression can take us.

For what it's worth I've always had depression, but postnatal depression was the darkest place I'd ever been where the light seemed so far away that I thought that would be it for the rest of my life.

Wishing you all the best OP

Liverbird77 · 16/02/2021 12:12

Hugs for you. It's bloody hard, thankless work sometimes. Glad you talked to your health visitor.

I haven't had chance to read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been suggested already, but could you try going for one walk a day? In the morning maybe, to get it done. I know it's hard when you can't face it and it is so tempting to stay in but I find it helps my state of mind. Also, it is a good way to get my baby to sleep. Worth a try?

Namechanged2021 · 16/02/2021 12:33

Thank you for your update OP, I'm sure it will be very helpful for anyone going through something similar in the future.

Very sorry to hear about your DH Flowers

PancakesPopTarts · 16/02/2021 12:37

Your update has made me cry too. Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry, though, to hear about your husband Flowers

Jeds55 · 16/02/2021 12:41

Your update made me cry with sadness and happiness. Thank you for coming back to update. I'm so glad you have your lovely dd but so sorry about your husband

JaneDamas · 16/02/2021 12:45

I am so happy for you OP, well done!!

One of my friends is currently going through PND and having an insight into what she might be going through is heartbreaking. I wish this was talked about more. No woman should feel ashamed of her feelings towards their newborn baby. I’m expecting my first one and threads like this one are the information we need.

All the best to you and the little one!! Flowers

sendingflowers · 16/02/2021 16:41

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DH. I'm glad things got so much better with your DD, it's lovely to hear that. I didn't realise it was an old thread and was about to come on to say that it sounded like PND due to the insomnia. I had undiagnosed PND with my first baby, never realised and had insomnia making it harder to cope with the sleepless nights.