To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

OP, you have PND, you are not a bad person or a bad mother, you just need the right help to get through this.

You do need to be honest with the people helping you though, as if they think you are improving when you aren't, you won't get the help you need. You need to be honest with your doctor how you are feeling, he could up your meds or change them.

"normal" depression is bad enough, but PND is different as there is a baby involved. The PND blocks your feelings for the baby.

Please go and see your GP and be honest with him, the HV and SS. They are there to support you and your family.

I had PND with my first and it feels just like this. I promise you it will go away even though it feels right now that nothing can ever be right.
The only thing I have left from my PND days is guilt of not getting better faster (illogical I know). I think a complete change of what you’re doing may help. Antidepressants never worked for me but everybody is different, I needed a complete change of scenery/house/lifestyle

Oh you poor thing. Please don't beat yourself up about this.

I truly think that lots of new mums feel like this to some degree. The rush of love doesn't happen for everyone. It's much more normal for love/attachment to grow and develop over time. And newborns don't give you much back. I don't think I felt as I thought I should feel for my son until he was about 9 months old.

Having a baby torpedoes your life. Of course that's going to be tough, particularly if you quite enjoyed your life before kids. You need to mourn the old you as much as you need to embrace the new.

Go back to the doctor and tell them how you're feeling and that the meds aren't working any more. But also, be patient. It will get better (a lot better) I promise you.

You need to go back to your GP and be honest with them about how you feel. They need to either change your antidepressants or offer alternative treatment. SS do not want to take your baby away but they do want to help you so don't hide things from them. They will help you if they know you are struggling. It's such early days of motherhood and I promise it will get better. When DD was a baby I sometimes used to wish she'd die in her sleep so I didn't have to deal with her anymore. It was because I was ill not because I wasn't meant to be a Mum. DD is 7 now and we are so close I adore her so much. I've only had one child as I couldn't put myself through those early days again but I promise there is an end to these dark days.

OP this is just a dark time, dark times always pass and as someone said above, you may think that you don't care, but would a parent who didn't care about their child be actively making an effort to put up a front to give them the best start at life possible?

You're a good mum, but your illness prevents you from feeling that connection and I know that you will get better and be able to finally start feeling the love that makes it worth it to be a mother.

First off social services are not going to take your child for one,they have no fears for the child and your baby has another patient.
I don't think I had one but I also had no rush of love and just went through the motions for a while until it grew.Not everyone feels that bonding straight away but that doesn't mean you never will.
Be honest with everyone helping you,do not minmise ,these are people who've seen it before so they understand.But they need to know how bad it is.
Wishing you well,it will get better but it takes time.

Oh, love...as pp have said, you're not a horrible person. You're ill. And I could have written your post when my DS was born. I went through the motions; he was warm, clean and fed, but I was doing it because I knew I'd be in trouble if I didn't, not because I loved him. I didn't- that came later. I used to hand him to his dad, who was brilliant, the moment he came in from work.
I never got any help because I never told anybody, because I was afraid that if I confessed how I was feeling they'd take him away - how confused is that?
Please ask for help. It will get better with time, honestly, but you need help NOW.
You're not a bad person - far from it. Writing the OP you have shows how strong you are. That was brave and honest.
Ask for help. Please. And in the meantime, have a very un-Mumsnetty (((hug))).

Please op be honest with your health team they are there to help. Don't be pretending to them that your are getting better it won't help you or the baby. I know i was the same with my first born( now a young man of 26). I too pretended all was well he was a very much wanted baby i couldn't understand why i felt so sad and desperate for my old life. PND is hell the first anti depressants didn't work for me either i needed another kind. I had a two week stay in a mother and baby unit which helped me to rest and learn to get baby settled better which helped enormously as i was exhausted on top of the PND. It will get better. Please go back to the doctor perhaps a change of meds may work. There's so much more help out there today than in my time. You are unwell not a horrible person please remember that. Finally big hugs to you.

Oh OP, just to echo the others, please be honest with your MH team ASAP, as others have said they wont remove him but theyll be able to tweak your medication etc. Please please dont feel like this is it forever, its not, it will get better. Please just be honest and people will help

If the original medication helped for a while, but has stopped helping, then you really need to see your GP, be totally honest, and try some different medication. Not all medication works first time for everyone. Some people get a better response from different medication.

And don't be hard on yourself - the early baby stage can be bloody tough. But it doesn't last. There will come a time when the baby becomes a little person who understands what you say, and can talk back to you and isn't quite so demanding/dependent.

Nothing new to add, but please, OP, ask for help. You need and deserve it. Things can be better.

plt your comments are vile you clearly have no understanding whatsoever about mental illness. This baby is having all of its physical and emotional needs met and needs none of your pity. Jog on with your nasty ill judged views.

I've reported PLT. Hopefully they will get deleted.

It's so awful when you're in the thick of this illness to be judged so nastily and I really hope OP hasn't taken it to heart.

PrettyLittleThing Do Fuck off.
OP; sounds like you need your meds increased . Please don't think you'll feel like this forever. I'll let you into a secret- I have 3 dc and although they are all incredibly gorgeous and I'd die for them I found it hard to bond as newborns , I don't actually find newborns very loveable, I prefer older babies and toddlers. Do what you need to do to get through this stage and I'm willing to bet things will be very different in a few months and you will be an amazing mum.

Please ignore Prettylittlething, she clearly didn't get the memo about not kicking people when they are down.

I can't say anything better than PP, please seek help. Different medications, talking therapy etc can make all the difference. You aren't terrible and you don't deserve a kicking. You aren't well and you need to find the right treatment for you so you get better.

I think you are incredibly brave to post this. It's something many are to scared to talk about but happens to so many. Much love to you.

You are not a monster, you aren’t a bad person, you’re unwell.

You are despite feeling awful looking after your child, you are making yourself do this out of love and care for him. You know he needs you and you are stepping up. Because you are a good person.

Things will get better, I know it doesn’t feel like it now but they will.

Feeling like you’ve made a huge mistake having kids is I think something many people feel in the early days. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I’ve certainly felt this way. My kids are older now and much easier, I’ve grown into motherhood over the years.

The thing that tea helped was getting out and having Mum friends. And going back to work.

Good luck to you. Seek help, it is out there, please don’t let a fear of social services stop you seeking help.

Ah prettylittlething the same poster on a thread last night saying she wouldn't phone the police after a DH threw his 2 year old across a bed and threatened to bite his finger off. She likes to go against the majority for a reaction!

OP, as many have said already, you can get through this, it will not last forever. I relate completely to your post, with my firstborn who is now 13 and we are very close.

It sounds like the meds were working a little but not your therapeutic dose. You have to be honest with your GP so they can get the right dose. This is post natal depression and it can be managed.

Its okay, I understand where @PrettyLittIeThing is coming from. I feel sorry for my son too. But I promise he is fed and warm and clean, and will come to no harm. But I know that's not the same as being loved and I'm failing him massively.

You have all been so kind. I have called my HV and left a message. The mental health team said it was just a bad day and I needed to just focus on getting through it. It feels like the only way I can get out of this is to kill myself. But I can't leave my DP. I want to, so badly. But then he would be alone and it would kill him.

Don't try an say what you feel your mental health team want to hear, OP. You are clearly suffering very badly from PND. I feel for both you and your baby. You need help, but that can only be given in full if you tell your GP, HV and mental health team how you really feel. AS for SS, they generally move heaven and earth rather than remove a child from their mother - especially if she is suffering from PND.

Hope you get all the help you need.

Those early weeks are so so hard. Things will get easier, and three months is a turn around point, I promise. You've been diagnosed with PND so please don't blame yourself for this illness. The illness is why you feel as you do.

In practical terms, does returning to work sound appealing? If yes, if you can go back, perhaps part time, you may find yourself again. Babies can be all consuming and different responsibilities can put life back into perspective and bring a balance.

Also, please mention to your GP that your medication is not working and have your doseage or prescription changed, that will immediately be a big help.

You are through the worst of the baby days now, things are going to get easier. It's such a shock, moreso when your baby is very much wanted, but it passes, please be assured of this.

Be kind to yourself.

You're not terrible, you're ill, and deserve support and love, not a kicking.

I had PND the second time around and it manifested in really horrible scary thoughts and urges to hurt my then 2.5 yo firstborn when he was naughty (not even really naughty, just normal toddler stuff). The things I saw myself doing to him in a frustrated rage were so violent and despicable that I hated myself, and telling my HV and GP about it was terribly hard, but I forced myself to do it out of fear that to not tell would end in me harming my son.

The help I got was amazing: having a baby under one meant I was fast-tracked for counselling and I got straight onto meds until my head got sorted. I was never judged or looked down on and I came to understand that I was not a bed person and had done exactly the right thing in confessing how I felt. I echo PPs - be honest with your healthcare professionals. They can't help you if you're not, and you will feel SO much better when you do.

I'm so sorry you feel this way and I hope you can get the help you need and feel better soon. Hang in there.

PLT clearly you have no uderstanding of PND. The baby is having it's needs met. Mother is struggling with her feelings clearly which is obviously PND in turn father is struggling to cope with both a young baby and an unwell mother. Nothing to pity. They need help and some constuctive advice not vile comments from someone who has no understanding of PND. It's people like you with their judgemental attitudes that cause mothers to hide their true feelings when they are unwell because they're scared they'll be hung drawn and quatered. Jog on if you can't offer anything but judgement of a clearly unwell mother.