To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

I don't think it will come to anything. I couldn't bear to leave DP to cope alone.

I really feel for you reading your posts. I felt exactly like this after the birth of both my sons. I won't get into details as this is about your experience, not mine.

It will get better. It's just a bloody long slog.

When I felt as bad as you, each day and night felt endless. Acknowledge that you are ill, you feel awful and that you will feel shit a lot of the time. I was suicidal and my counsellor told me to 'park' the idea for a day at a time - just put it aside for one day, then another, then another. Don't think long term at all. Just today and tonight. Then start again tomorrow. Don't worry about teething etc or your bond/love in the future. You need to survive each day. 'Everyone fed and no one dead' is a good motto to live by when it's really really tough.

My second son is six months now and I still have a lot of bad days. But I am also so much better. Taking care of him now is more than a duty, it's something I can enjoy. I'm not always counting down every single second until nap time. I'm very glad that I had him.

In the future, this will just be a memory. My eldest son is almost four and I can't believe I ever felt that way about him. I can't imagine not loving him (and his brother) with every bone in my body. It will be worth it, but acknowledge that you will need a lot of time and be gentle with yourself.

That intense desire to protect your son is love, it just doesn't feel that way because of the depression.

I remember this dawning on me when DS was a few months old. That the experience of love isn't always positive, that it can be utterly overwhelming and manifest as anxiety and fear.

Hadron what a great post. Having children is such an enormous lifechange - why is that never acknowledged? I read Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions shortly after having my son and it made very similar points which resonated hugely with me.

OP many, many women have felt the same as you and come out the other side happier and stronger than they've ever been before and ready to do it all again.

Motherhood breaks you down only to build you back up again anew. The process is far more brutal than anyone lets you know.

You are not too selfish at all. Being a new mom is bloody hard even without PND and even if you did bond with your baby! It's too much for someone to handle without all the help they can get. I promise one day you will be glad and you will be happy you decided to have a baby. It won't be over night it'll be gradual and one day you'll realise that you are happy without even thinking about it and your brain will be a nice place to be if that makes sense.

Oh my darling girl - I read got post with tears in my eyes. I totally get it. Even 18 months on I still have days where I wonder whether I should have been a mum as my anxiety is just so relentless and I feel guilty that my son deserves better.

Where are you located? I'm wondering whether there may be some mums locally that would like to help - I know if you were local to me I'd happily come to you and help or just give you some time to breathe. I'm in Norfolk if that helps. I'm so so sorry you are feeling this way but I want you to know you are not alone, at all.

I wish I could give you a massive hug

Life After Birth by Kate Figes is a great book too. I remember reading it and bawling my eyes out because finally someone got it.

Not sure if anyone has already mentioned this but what really helped me on days when my PND was especially bad (I truly believed that my baby hated me and wanted me to die) was knowing I could go to our local Samaritans Office with her - my plan was to go there, tell them the problem and leave her there. I would never have actually left her there, but I think now that i’m better that if I had gone there they would have been able to talk me round. You can always phone them if you are feeling suicidal, they will have heard it all before.

The other thing that helped a lot was a local PND support group on Facebook - it is a closed group so private, but you can request to be added. Maybe there is one for your area? Just reading the thoughts of other women with similar issues helped enormously.

I really hope you get the support that you need soon - I guess the reason the hv is saying it’s just temporary is to give you some hope, but that doesn’t really acknowledge how you’re feeling right now.

Hope you're okay. Your post rang so many bells for me and also my very good friend who recently told me she only began to love her son when he was 5!!! Until then she just did what she was supposed to do. Nobody had a clue she was living this life of hell, going through the motions daily. Wearing her mummy mask, I cried buckets when she told me how it had been. She got through her darkest times by making a list of things she had to do and then things that gave her an escape. Literally a to-do list but in between there were things like read a chapter of a book, paint her nails, listen to a whole song uninterrupted. She survived it, I'm ashamed to say I had no idea she was going through it. I hope things get easier for you. Hope someone takes care of you. Your son doesn't deserve better, he deserves his mummy to be well. Take care and be kind to yourself.

I wonder if there are any of us local to you who can help, parenting is so much easier with other adults and if you’re on your own days can feel do long. I’m in north Hampshire, pm me if you are near there.

Everyone else is right, lovey. I had a major crash after my baby was born. I felt like I was going through the motions, pretending to be a mum, just coping with this vulnerable little human grub that I'd been so stupid as to bring into the world. And, God, how I wanted to sleep! And wake up and find that it had all been a crazy dream!
IT GETS BETTER :)
It gets better when the baby starts smiling...and when they get the drugs right.
The perinatal MH services have been brilliant, as have my family.
Do make sure you do some fun things, particularly now it's spring. Go to a baby swimming session or a walk round the park.
Big hugs sweetie xx

Oh yeah, I'm in Newcastle if that helps x

I’m so so sorry you feel like this. You are not a bad person, you are not a bad mum. You are looking after your DS through it all. But you are really unwell, and you MUST be honest with your health team. They can help. The nature of PND is that you cannot see it ending, but it does, and you can get through it - with help. Social Services will only remove your baby if they think he is at risk of significant harm. As long as you are seeking help and meeting your sons needs, he will remain with you. Do you have family or friends who can help by spending time with you and the baby? You need to take each day as it comes. This time will pass, your baby will grow, and your body and your mind will heal. Pregnancy and giving birth can be deeply traumatic. Give yourself a break. Next visit from the mental health team, take a big breath and say it isn’t working, say how you feel, say you need help. Wishing you a steady recovery.

Ok but if you ever do make a plan, then can you ensure that you either post it here, or call the Samaritans (116 123) and tell them about it? That's all you have to do. Remember also that if you do make a plan, you don't have to do anything about it there and then, you can just leave it till later and in the mean time you can just call the Samaritans or talk here. There's no rush with anything.

I absolutely agree, it's obvious that you both adore DS. The desire to protect him and make sure he's safe is what love is all about. It's not about that fuzzy feeling, which none of us feel all the time.

You will get there, just be completely honest and accept whatever help is offered.

I'm so glad now that I didn't give up on either DD when I was at a low ebb, now I really have bonded with her. You will get there too.

OP I can tell you for sure that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You aren't a quitter - you're a fighter. You will make it through this and will come out the other side stronger and better.

What helped me most was switching my mindset from seeing my DS as a burden that was preventing me from living my life, to seeing him as an equal partner in our relationship and building a new life together. I've had to learn to trust my own ability to cope with whatever challenges we'll experience on our journey together and I'm not afraid. Believe in yourself

OP I just want to fling my arms around you and give you a big hug. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you and I echo what the fabulous women have said before me; you are not a bad person and you are certainly not a bad mum. Please keep talking either here or, as other people have said, to the Samaritans.

I know that you cannot see it at the moment, but you will be ok.
xxx

Hello lovely lady. I really feel for you right now. I suffered from PND and it is truely awful. It can be impossible to believe that you will feel better and that things will improve, but they will my darling. A new born baby can be overwhelming without PND. Their needs can feel endless and they can seem so fragile. You say you do not feel love for your baby, it feels to me like you are being so hard on yourself. You are putting the needs of your baby first, showing concern for your baby and considering your partner’s needs as well, this makes you amazing. You need help, please be honest with your HV and any mental health professionals that you are working with, this is very important right now. You need to get the help you need and deserve!

Your baby’s needs won’t always be so overwhelming, I know it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s true. He won’t always feel so fragile and you cdn recover from this. The clouds will lift and you can start to enjoy family life, but please be honest and get the help you need.

Sending you love

OP

1. The support you have on here is exactly what you deserve - not more than you do. You deserve care

1. A depressed brain doesn't do logic. So don't make any decision about your life while depressed.

OP you've made me cry, this is why I used to volunteer with new mums. I can't now as back at work.

It's so hard when you have a difficult birth and no local family support. Often a mum just needs someone to sit down and liaison to her. Have you had any support around your birth at all? Starting with a debrief maybe helpful. This often gets overlooked but I'm sure is the route course of many issues.

Many women hear have shared their experiences, this can be really helpful to know your not alone. I to had a similar experience with my oldest. It is very common. But I want this post to be about you. You are doing it, as others have pointed out you are careing for your baby and feel very protective of him.

It may not be how you thought it would be or it could just be from the shock and bad experience you've had to start with. A rough start is always going to make things more difficult. You need time to heal from that experience as well as the total change that has happened to your life.

Accept all the help you can, I think it's clear that you really do care for your DS. No one is going to take him away, they want to help you get better so be honest with them.

You're not a monster. I didn't love my son til he was nearly one. Not everyone feels a rush of love. Having a first baby is brutal, especially with all that you are dealing with. Please tell someone the truth of how you feel. They are there to help you not snatch your son away. I know it's hard to believe right now but it will get better

Thanks Laurie Yeah I have no idea either. I think it would be a good question for another thread. Book suggestion sounds very interesting!

Hang in there OP, your instinct to protect your son is love. Let's remember love is a DOING word. It's expressed primarily by what you do. Right now you're doing everything you're supposed to and whilst feeling quite low. If that's not love, then nothing is.

Oh lovely you poor thing. I'm afraid you are one of the unlucky new Mums who cannot adjust to the hormonal crash that comes after giving birth. What you're experiencing is a severe reaction to the chemical changes in your body caused by your hormones being all over the place. It's not your fault just like it's not someone's fault if they have a severe reaction to a medication, or a type of skin creme or a bee sting. This is a horrible chemical/hormonal crisis you are going through. I felt exactly the same as you after my daughter was born. I kept her beautifully clean and well fed but I just wanted her to never have happened. I couldn't ever imagine life getting any easier or better if I had to take care of her. I desperately wanted my old life back and would cry for hours. My GP didn't know how to help me apart from putting me on Prozac which only helped a bit. In the end I paid to see a private gynaecologist who
specialised in treating PND. It was her who explained about it all being a chemical imbalance. She prescribed me oestrogen gel to rub in once a day and within a month I started to feel much better. It still took a few more months before I fully recovered, but I think she saved my life because I had begun to make my exit plan you see

My daughter and I are very close and I love her more than I could ever have imagined.

PND is horrendous. I didn’t appreciate just how awful I’d felt with DS until I had DD 2.5 years later and although she was a much worse eater and sleeper, I felt ok. It was then that I realised how god awful the first 6 months were with DS. Things DO get better - for me it was gradual and DS is now 13 and we have a great relationship. It makes me feel to think back to those early days, wading through effing treacle every day. I’m in Bucks if you want to talk

OP you’re being so brave. Your thread has moved me deeply - due to your honesty, and the kindness of all the women contributing, reaching out to you to give you hope.

Hang in there

Day by day x

That overwhelming want to protect Ds and not letting him cry is love op it just doesn't feel like it. As lovely as babies are they do very little and are completely reliant on you and you are doing all this and more.

So glad you reached out to your Hv today , your doing a great job it is hard enough having a newborn even without pnd. Most of my friends didn't feel a warm rush of love and giddy, in fact they wished for sleep and a break from mothering duties.