Child not invited to party

[RedDice]

Ok dd is in reception came up from nursery with a few friends girls and boys, the mums all became friends st nursery and it’s carried on to school we meet up with dc and socially.
Dd had a party and included all nursery friends still in her class, now a good friend of hers and mine dc is having a party and not invited dd back.
Now I know just because you invite something yours doesn’t mean you instantly get one back but being close friends, play dates etc and for dd not be included seems odd.
I saw her handing out the invites in front of us so not a mix up.

It’s put me off the mum who I thought was a friend really.

she’d booked the venue for his party and told me the date so I assumed then we would be being invited.

Er, has it not occured to you she is going to informally invite you when you see each other and doesn’t think you need a formal invite because you’ll speak anyway?

This girl is a friend of the birthday boy not some random

Is she though? Probably actually not, it seems. The parents are friends thats not the same thing.

People on here are so weird...the things you can find to be offended or hurt about! Boggles the mind.

Nonky OP posted Dd did notice but didn’t seem upset

As Repeal said IME your kid is only distraught if you make a big fuss about it and make it a bigger deal.

I never understand why it is that 5 yr olds can just get along without this being a big deal, but on MN it is the Mums that it seems to upset.

Also, Nonky - one of my dc was the one that wasn't invited. However, we never made a 'thing' out of it. She wasn't upset at 5, and she is now a pretty well adjusted teenager. I agree with Repeal that you are projecting your own situation. This isn't that situation. This isn't a whole class party with one child excluded. This is a little boy excited to be inviting his friends, as opposed to someone he gets on with and plays with when his mother arranges to meet up with her friends. Always been pretty normal to hand out half a dozen invitations when you see your friends at school. Not being invited is not the same as being excluded.

I do think it's a bit odd. I would have expected some kind of explanation if I know the mum well even if it's a simple case of it being just for boys.

I'm honestly not sure how you expected her to give out invites that was more "discreet". Was she supposed to act like an extra from mission impossible, sneaking from person to person, hiding behind things, stand still pretending to be doing something else if you looked in her direction, dodging your gaze from you ever seeing what she was doing?
She/her child were handing out invitations to a party, its a perfectly normal thing to do, and she can't help it if her child is a little bit excited about it and inadvertently draws attention to it. She wasn't standing there, waving the invites in the air and calling out the "chosen" to come and get theirs.
Not everyone wants to give their phone numbers out to everyone to be able to text invites, not everyone likes or uses things like facebook messenger or whatsapp, there's nothing wrong with good, old fashioned paper invites.
I also don't think it is necessary for her to have to explain to every parent of the none invited children, why their child hasn't been invited.
You say you only saw invites given out to boys, were the later invites to the presumed younger siblings all also boys? This probably really isn't anything personal against your daughter, especially now its a bigger, different class and not just the small nursery group and her sons friend pool has expanded.
I would be willing to bet she honestly didn't realise this would upset or offend you, that she's just invited who her son wanted (possibly an all boys party was his choice). She may well not see the nursery group as the core friend group, she may see all her sons friends equally and your daughter just wasn't one of the ones chosen this time around, just like we can't always choose everybody as money/space etc doesn't allow. It doesn't mean your daughter is valued any less as his friend.

I always s wi der how you’re supposed to hand out invites so as not to offend other parents. Are you supposed to try to work out who the feck Jonathan’s mother is and sidle up to her drug dealer style and slip the invite whilst speaking out the side of your mouth, I got the invite, keep it on the downlow. Or a stealth ninja manoeuvre- you’re back over the other side of the room before Sally’s mother realised what has hit her bag. Or rely on the kids to pull them out if their bag- which you’ve stealth modes them into. I don’t soend time socialising at school. I have NFI who Amy’s mother is. I need my kid to point me out, and then try and grab them whilst every parent does the dump and run. I am friendly with a few parents who have boys. We do play dates. If they have a party with only boys, it doesn’t invalidate my friendship and doesn’t need to be a thing. Because I am a grown up and can act like it.

Yup . This happens and it hurts ! But there is nothing you can do OP

My DS has a small sleepover and I was very anxious that he did not discuss it
In front of the non invited kids . This woman lacks tact . Bitch

OP, YANBU. There are a lot of people on here sadly who think rudeness and self-interest are the order of the day.

I think if you've accepted an invitation to a party then perhaps you do need to invite them in return unless there's a good reason not to, like a single sex party. Otherwise you're teaching kids to take what they want without giving in return really. Or not to consider others' feelings. Basic social skills, really.

And it's extremely rude to hand out invites to others and not you without explanation, especially if she's mentioned the date etc. to you beforehand and you have play dates together etc.

^^ with bells on! YANBU.

Personally I've always felt it's good manners to invite a child to your DC's party if your child was invited to their party, unless there's a good reason not to, eg there's been bullying going on.

But it does sound as if your DD may no longer be so close to her nursery friends now they're in school. Do you know whether she plays with them at school? She possibly has a different circle of friends herself.

OP, YANBU. There are a lot of people on here sadly who think rudeness and self-interest are the order of the day

no, we just aren't so self absorbed and narcissitic when we wail and moan about not being invited to a single party, when there is a perfectlt good reason not to be.

I wish people would stop painting the whiny nightmares as the nice ones, it couldn't be less true. Its not nice of you to whisper behind the back of your friends because their kid didn't invite yours to a party. It's not nice to drop friends for such stupid reasons. It's not nice to call everyone else names because you are so over sensitive.
You're not the nice ones here.

The replies to these threads always baffle me!
YANBU
It is upsetting when your child doesn’t get invited. I’m this case yes I think she should be polite and explain to you (seeing as you are friends). This is BASIC friendship skills!
Hopefully she will chat to you about it when you see her next.
I have seen some sad things regarding birthday parties over the last few years including only one child excluded from the list just because he was shy!
Some people have no kindness.

It is upsetting when your child doesn’t get invited

Why? Why do you think your child should be invited to every party?

Repeal - I’m afraid you sound exactly like some of these self opinionated mothers who really don’t give a shit about anybody else’s feelings! It’s absolutely fine to have the opinion that you do but not everybody feels the same! And your language is slightly aggressive and patronising

Really? How odd of you to say so. My point is that these "oh we are so nice " people don't care about anyone elses feelings except their own. Not their friends, not their friends kids, only themselves and their own child.
Funny how wrong people can get it, isn't it?

Agree repeal - we all know the type. High maintenance.

My kids really aren't bothered if they aren't invited to the odd party and frankly its not even on my radar good one less present to buy and thing in the calendar. Maybe this comes with age though.

Think of my poor friend. She tried to give out party invites at her dds nursery and had to be gently told by staff that the invitees did not exist and were actually imaginary friends of her dd. She thought the names were a little odd

I shall leave this discussion now as I have said my personal opinion.

Personally I've always felt it's good manners to invite a child to your DC's party if your child was invited to their party, unless there's a good reason not to, eg there's been bullying going on.

But sometimes Child A is having a big party or whole class party - but my child is only having a small tea party or up to 10 friends at home (or even a limit at a venue). Then no I don't invite child A necessarily.
Similarly if Child B's birthday is in September and my child is in May, then friendships could have changed a lot in that time. (Or even Child C is in April and mine in October).

This happened to my DD a few months back. A girl in her class - supposedly one of her friends took great pleasure in inviting all of their other friends and made a point of telling DD she wasn’t invited. They are 7. DD said that she wasn’t upset about the party but about the unkindness.

It turned out that the girl was being v v unkind to DD generally and I ended up having to see the teacher. I thought the Mother was a friend and can relate to the hurt you feel. All of this said it’s now water under the bridge and I encouraged DD to invite the girl to her party (which went against every instinct I am ashamed to say).

Long story short the girls are now friends again and I am so glad that I didn’t do anything rash (as i so often do )

I fully understand why you and DD feel let down but I would urge you to let it lie and move on. You at the start of a long journey through primary school.

On the plus side though it’s all learning - my DD said that she was glad she knew what it felt like because she wouldn’t be that unkind.
Take your little one somewhere lovely while the party is on and do something nice together.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. I do think it’s weird that she told you the party was booked, told you the date, then gave out invitations in front of you but didn’t give your DD one?! If her DS doesn’t want her to come then that’s completely fine, after all, it is his party! But for her to not even mention it as in ‘It’s all boys this year’ or ‘DS chose who he wanted and numbers are limited so he chose the friends he spends most time with in school’ or whatever, is really quite bizarre?! I’d have said something! But the main thing is that your DD seems to be ok with it so maybe just focus on that 😊

Similar thing happened to my son when he was in year 5 at primary. One of the girls was having a party for her birthday and gave out invites to all the class with the pointed exception of my son. He was naturally upset at the time but we went away for a fun weekend instead and he didn't even think about it. Agree with other posters and do something fun with your DD.

DD wasnt invited to a party that her 2 best friends were invited to & all mums & kids friends socially. Initially thought maybe the invite hadnt made it home but wasn’t that - just parents had only invited who the girl wanted to come & didn’t make her invite anyone. They’d asked her if she wanted to invite my lg but she’d said “no” despite playing with her daily & no bust ups etc. My LG & LG in question still play as do their siblings so was just a weird one. It’s only 1 party, these things happen all the time, often by mistake or due to numbers. Wouldn’t take it personally & it’ll blow over.

Do adults invite every single one of their friends to every event they enjoy?

The handing out of invites where some kids are excluded can of course be done thoughtlessly, but would, sorry you're not invited because... seem any better? Play it down or draw attention to it?

Kids generally get to pick who comes, there's usually a limit to numbers for some reason or other, do we want to quiz kids on why they aren't inviting so-and-so and then report back to said child?

Kids can feel left out and excluded in these situations (and a whole load more at school) but what an opportunity to say, 'aww sorry you missed out, what would you like to do instead' and/or, 'aww shame X isn't doing this with you but you do lots of other nice things together now who else who you like to spend time with this time, maybe we can invite someone to play?' - aren't those the skills we all need when we're left out?

Boys only and girls only parties make me sad. It’s horrible having to explain to your kid that the reason they haven’t been invited to their friend’s party is because they are a girl/boy. I can remember ds being told he wasn’t invited to his friend’s fairy party because it was just for girls. “But I love fairies!” Was his response. He couldn’t understand it. It was the first time he came across this type of gender segregation shit. How young it starts.

At that age, kids have different friends each week. My dd invited very random kids to her party for a couple of years. It was so bad I actually apologized to the mums of the kids I was expecting her to invite!