Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child not invited to party

191 replies

RedDice · 09/04/2018 09:24

Ok dd is in reception came up from nursery with a few friends girls and boys, the mums all became friends st nursery and it’s carried on to school we meet up with dc and socially.
Dd had a party and included all nursery friends still in her class, now a good friend of hers and mine dc is having a party and not invited dd back.
Now I know just because you invite something yours doesn’t mean you instantly get one back but being close friends, play dates etc and for dd not be included seems odd.
I saw her handing out the invites in front of us so not a mix up.

It’s put me off the mum who I thought was a friend really.

OP posts:
jellycat1 · 09/04/2018 12:18

OP I was recently told by a good friend with a DD in my DS1's nursery class that once they start at the the 'big school' in Sept party invites will turn into girls / boys only. She has two older DDs there already so I guess knows the score. She told me regretfully and nicely but even so I thought it was a bit sad. It won't affect our friendship one iota though and my DS's bday is before her DD's and I'll still be inviting her!
Mumofkids the 'reserve' list thing is fucking HORRIBLE!! I doubt your DD will ever forget that. What a horrible kid and more so, mother. Yeugh.

IsabelleSE19 · 09/04/2018 12:20

Repeal So how should I mind my own business? By not airing my opinion on a public forum?

I didn't use the term 'old fashioned', but picked up on it from another poster, as you would see if you had read the comments properly. The implication from that poster was that some parents wanted their children not to invite girls to their sons' parties because they were old fashioned. My opinion, which you clearly disagree with as is your right, is that it would be sad for a child's female friends to be excluded for not being boys.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 12:22

By not calling perfectly normal behavior sad and old fashioned. Its neither.

IsabelleSE19 · 09/04/2018 12:26

I didn't call it old-fashioned. Did you even read my comment before replying to it?

So you think it's normal and natural for a parent to tell their DC to only invite girls/boys? Fine if that's what the child wants, but for it to come from the parent is a bit odd, no?

If everyone minded their own business, no one would ever post on Mumsnet!

GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 12:36

DS was good friends with a girls and she was always invited along with the boys
DD had a male friend and he was always invited along with the girls

I always text the parent to let them know XYZ are in voted and DD/DS will be the only boy/girl just so they were aware and could make a choice

DD was the only girl at one party I remember and DS has been invited as the only boy at his friends birthday

All still friends all enjoyed a treat

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 12:37

I didn't call it old-fashioned. Did you even read my comment before replying to it

Yes you did, you quoted and agreed with someone who said it, so you said it. Read your own comment Hmm

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 12:39

o you think it's normal and natural for a parent to tell their DC to only invite girls/boys?

Since I said its the childrens desires then no clearly not. Its the kids saying what they want to the parents who then act on it. Keep up. Its the ones saying they will invite their own friends children no matter what who are the ones who are not doing what the child wants.

awfulmothersince2008 · 09/04/2018 12:51

My best friends DS and my DD have been at nursery and school together for 8 years. We see each other socially once a week or so, kids play nicely together when we have dinner etc.

My DD can't actually stand her DS. He's not been to my DD's parties for a few years now- when she started picking her own guest list. My friend has never mentioned it and neither have I as I wouldn't lie but equally don't plan on saying "actually DD thinks DS is a horrid little bully and would rather not invite him".

IsabelleSE19 · 09/04/2018 12:52

I quoted that comment to disagree with it! I am finding it hard to 'keep up' with you Repeal, I'll admit it - you're quite rude and not making much sense!

Anyway, to get back on track with the thread, OP's DD seems to have been excluded from her friend's party due to being a girl, and I think that's sad. I'll leave it there I think.

feathermucker · 09/04/2018 12:56

On one of your posts, you said 'we' weren't invited. Your daughter wasn't invited.......

Honestly, I think you need to toughen up. If her son has chosen who he wants to invite, then that's up to him. Friendships change over the years.

You may see each other socially outside school eye, but that doesn't mean he has an obligation to invite your daughter. They might be quite happy to play together outside school, but might not actually be that close.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 13:01

Some people are pretty old fashioned like that So it seems. How sad

That is your post. Where is the disagreement? So it seems is AGREEMENT.
Hmm

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 13:02

Anyway, to get back on track with the thread, OP's DD seems to have been excluded from her friend's party due to being a girl, and I think that's sad

She doesn't actually know that, and even if thats why, its probably because the child himself wanted all boys.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 13:07

Also not being included is not the same thing as being excluded.

rocketgirl22 · 09/04/2018 13:15

It is almost certainly a boys party, so just relax that is fine.

Even if it is not, if it hasn't happened now, trust me it will. Soon dd will have to face not being invited to parties and then being sent the photos via SM of all the others that were invited. It is hideous aspect of school and SM.

Use this moment to reinforce resilience and you are her best example. Indifference is the key to managing this (even if you are screaming inside) and when she gets to any age when she notices, make it a complete non issue. Tell her to EXPECT not to be invited to everything and she will be ready when it inevitably happens.

It is shit, and i have never done this to other dc, but it can be minefield, your best bet is to stop noticing or worrying.

NancyJoan · 09/04/2018 13:18

given that you are in that circle of friends, at the very least the mum could have mentioned it to you ahead of time: "oh, so-and-so is only having boys for his party this year... very sorry DD can't be invited for that reason." Wouldn't take more than a minute to explain and seems like something a good friend should be able to do.

OP, have you seen your friend and her DS over the holidays? Has she mentioned his party at all?

Original poster
RedDice · 09/04/2018 13:23

Yep seen her over hols she didn’t mention party then about a month ago she said she’d booked the venue for his party and told me the date so I assumed then we would be being invited.
Dd will be fine that’s the main thing.
I need to maybe readjust how I view these mums as maybe it was inevitable that as the only dd from nursery that group would breakaway as someone said they aren’t at nursery now.
Thanks for the input.

OP posts:
RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 13:25

Soon dd will have to face not being invited to parties and then being sent the photos via SM of all the others that were invited. It is hideous aspect of school and SM

Your school maybe, but thats not normal. What are your primary age kids doing in SM in the first place?

Greenglassteacup · 09/04/2018 13:33

I got sidetracked by the poster who used the word “butthurt” Confused What a vile word

PinkCalluna · 09/04/2018 13:42

In my experience Red the first year of primary school is when you stop inviting your friends with kids to parties and start inviting the kids your child is actually friends with.

This often coincides with the parties becoming “drop and run”.

The fact that your kids play happily with your friends kids doesn’t make necessarily them proper friends.

Most people have limited numbers so if it’s a choice between “kid I play with everyday” and “kid I play with when the mums get together l” the choice is pretty clear.

My kids still have a great time with the other kids from our NCT group when we get together but none of them would be on the list if I said “invite 15 friends to a party”.

Thinkingofausername1 · 09/04/2018 13:58

My dd didn't get invited to parties until year 6. I think parents in general pick who goes,so they can have their clique to chat to.

chocatoo · 09/04/2018 14:22

To all those posters who say it's up to the child to invite who they please, I don't agree - I think that it is my job as a parent to guide my child to be kind and thoughtful about others' feelings. In primary school I would always find room for another child rather than exclude and I made it my business to understand class size and roughly who hung around with who so that noone was left out.

As for delivering invitations, everyone at DDs school lived in a small radius so we pushed invitations through their letterbox at home rather than handing them to the chosen ones with a flourish in the playground.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 14:23

Be kind? Yes. But are you forced to invite people you're not really friends with to your parties? What an odd suggestion. Of course the child decides who to invite.

5plusMeAndHim · 09/04/2018 14:26

To all those posters who say it's up to the child to invite who they please, I don't agree - I think that it is my job as a parent to guide my child to be kind and thoughtful about others' feelings

There are 364 days a year to put the feelings of others first.On a child's birthday it is good for them to know the day is about THEM and their wishes and feelings take preference.You don't want to raise a doormat.I have always found that if my child doesn't like someone there has always been a good reason for it.

chocatoo · 09/04/2018 14:37

Wolfie we are all different so your point of view is up to you, but yes I would have guided DD to include people she wasn't bosom buddies with sometimes. If I suggested that someone might be upset not to be included, she would always be happy to add them to the list. We often ended up with parties that were a bit of a squeeze but the more the merrier.
I think that allowing a primary age child to pick without a care as to who might be excluded is odd, but, as I said, we are all different.

BackforGood · 09/04/2018 14:41

I’ll probably just start to keep my distance a little but not let anyone know that I’m not happy about it.

Why would you distance yourself, from a friends of yours, just because your dc are - as expected when they start school - making their own friends ? Confused.
What an odd way to think.

Your dc aren't at Nursery now, they are at school, and they will start making their own friends. It will very likely still be really fluid, and they my well have different friends each month or each term or school year. When it is your child's birthday, they should be able to invite those they are playing with at that time. You can invite your friends when it is your 'do' to host.

Swipe left for the next trending thread