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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child not invited to party

191 replies

RedDice · 09/04/2018 09:24

Ok dd is in reception came up from nursery with a few friends girls and boys, the mums all became friends st nursery and it’s carried on to school we meet up with dc and socially.
Dd had a party and included all nursery friends still in her class, now a good friend of hers and mine dc is having a party and not invited dd back.
Now I know just because you invite something yours doesn’t mean you instantly get one back but being close friends, play dates etc and for dd not be included seems odd.
I saw her handing out the invites in front of us so not a mix up.

It’s put me off the mum who I thought was a friend really.

OP posts:
Mumofkids · 09/04/2018 09:56

In another situation I did end a friendship, which sounds harsh (and not like I said anything I just distanced myself as it hurt) but there were 4 girls in the class who were very close and the mums were close too. For some sad and difficult reasons my child had to change schools but we still lived not too far and all the mums were supportive and kids still friends (bit of FaceTime etc) then 1 mum had her daughters party and the other girls said is coming and she said my mum said no she's not allowed because she's not in our school. It was a large party and the kind that was all over facebrag. I wouldn't have minded if it had just been quiet and 'one of those things' but because the birthday child had wanted her there and the mum had made that decision and told her which she told everyone else I just felt gutted. My daughter was really upset and there was no need. She was struggling to settle in the new school and I just thought none of the friendships were as I had thought so it was hurtful.

chocatoo · 09/04/2018 09:56

I’m afraid it gets worse. I expect it’s because it’s boys only. My DD was once one of only 2 girls in her class not to be invited to another girl’s party. It was heartbreaking. The mother was a primary school teacher you would’ve thought she might have been more sensitive, but no. I was actually more upset on behalf of the other girl as she was new to the school!

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 10:00

Just because the adults are friends doesn't mean the kids will continue to be as they grow.
Just because you've known each other a long time doesn't mean your child has to be invited.
You don't issue invites in order to be invited to their parties.
How was it rude? Some kids are invited and some aren't.
You're upset. Your child doesn't sound bothered at all. So it's a non issue.

DeathStare · 09/04/2018 10:00

from what I saw it was boys from nursery and new boys from class

So he's having an all boys party.... and you feel that his mum owes you an explanation for this and are hurt that your DD isn't included.

Sorry OP but you need to toughen up. You say at the moment your DD isn't upset (and quite right too) but she is going to pick up on your upset if you aren't careful

positivepixie · 09/04/2018 10:01

YABU. I find it ridiculous that 'grown ups' decide to fall out over kids parties. You would be unreasonable if you let this affect your friendship with the mum. You're mixing up your daughters life with your own adult relationships which is a bit sad unless she was doing something malicious which she clearly is not.

Original poster
RedDice · 09/04/2018 10:02

Pile of invites in her hand so some might be for girls I have no idea but the ones I saw receiving them this morn were boys.
Issue is like I said how she’s gone about it she knows me and dd well enough to say ‘it’s just a bit party but we’ll do a play date for you another time’ etc but to say nothing and do it in front of us seemed off

OP posts:
cordelia16 · 09/04/2018 10:02

If it's a bday party for boys only, then it's understandable that your DD wasn't invited.

BUT, given that you are in that circle of friends, at the very least the mum could have mentioned it to you ahead of time: "oh, so-and-so is only having boys for his party this year... very sorry DD can't be invited for that reason." Wouldn't take more than a minute to explain and seems like something a good friend should be able to do.

Original poster
RedDice · 09/04/2018 10:04

There’s obviously two schools of thought with this then I will concede that I might need to toughen up but equally I wouldn’t behave in that way and would have made sure to say in advance and do the invites more discreetly myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedDice · 09/04/2018 10:04

Absolutely spot on cordelia

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 10:05

Why should she justify herself or arrange a birthday play date (new one on me!)
Why can't her kid invite who they want? Why can't she just hand out invites?
So much drama and none from the actual kids. Confused

MadMags · 09/04/2018 10:06

I think at the very least she should have explained if it was boys only.

On MN you're not allowed to care about anything, ever if you don't want to land in a circle of hell. But in real life people are nice to their friends so it is weird that she would do that! I don't blame you for being upset.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2018 10:06

I think this is a bit mean. I would exclude them from any future invitations and not be so friendly with the mum if there isn't a good reason why your child wasn't invited. . But from what you've said it might be boys only and in that case I'd say fine.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 09/04/2018 10:07

No, she does not owe you an explanation.

You are way overthinking this.

There will be more parties your DD won't be invited too, even if she or you expect it.

This is life.

People who choose not to invite your DD do not owe you an explanation.

Original poster
RedDice · 09/04/2018 10:08

It seems that way mags 🤔
We have each other’s dc for tea often Wolfie do play dates regularly wasn’t saying she had to do something special for dd just that they’d meet up there instead

OP posts:
BoobleMcB · 09/04/2018 10:08

I don't understand why you would then distance yourself from a friend anyways just because their child hasn't invited yours to a party.

That's behaving like your children. Just get over it. Why does it matter in the grand scheme of things

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/04/2018 10:09

Sounds like it could be a "boys" party OP. Which is fine of course, especially if the other mum has let her DS choose who he wants to be invited.

Honestly you will need a thicker skin than this moving forward throughout school life, there's much worse to come Wink

I doubt it's been done to upset your DD and is it worth you really distancing yourself from your friend?

Belindabauer · 09/04/2018 10:09

It's mean but it does happen.

peacheachpearplum · 09/04/2018 10:09

When they start school they do seem to start the boy v girl thing. Personally I didn't encourage it and my kids, now adult, always had close friends of both sexes which I think is healthier. I mean what can they be doing at a "boys" party that a girl couldn't do?

OP if your daughter is OK about it then focus on that as that is the most important thing.

IsabelleSE19 · 09/04/2018 10:13

Actually I agree with you OP - it is a bit U.

Same thing happened to my DD with a girl from preschool whom she considered her friend. DD had to see all the invites being handed out at preschool and told me later that she wasn't invited. Then to rub salt in the wound there were more invites handed out later that day as we waited to pick up our older DCs from school - looked like all the younger siblings of DCs in that class were invited except my DD!

They have the right to invite whoever they like of course, but the fact is that it has made me see the friendship with that girl, and my acquaintance with the mum, in a bit of a different light.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 10:14

Why should she?!
Kids choose who to invite. Unless they invite the whole class except one child then it's totally up to them.
You act like you're being left out of something. You're not. It's about the birthday child and what they want.

grassnotgreener005 · 09/04/2018 10:14

Is your friendship a two way street or are you the one who does all the organising? Sounds like you are a bit more invested in the friendship than the other mom, she doesn't owe an explanation, this is your daughters social life not yours

Hillarious · 09/04/2018 10:16

This is really just the kind of thing you need to chunter to yourself about. If you think the situation warrants distancing yourself from your friend, then there's not really a friendship there anyway if it can collapse so easily. I'm sure your DD will be invited to lots of other parties.

I do remember my DS's 5th birthday party at home being the only one where I hit the wine part way through because of the stress and the mess and the play fighting with a group of children who hardly knew each other because they'd only just started school together and the child who burst into tears the minute his father left (without leaving his contact details) and the diabetic child who threw up and the very sporty child who destroyed the home-made piñata on the first hit. The wine was good.

Knittedfairies · 09/04/2018 10:20

You’re going to have to let this one go. Your friend could have explained the boys only party, but she didn’t have to.

pinkdelight · 09/04/2018 10:30

I think you need to stop thinking in terms of this 'class nursery group' now. They're not in nursery. New groups have formed. Just because your adult friendship group still works on the nursery lines doesn't mean the school kids do. Sure they're still friends when you meet up, but they see each other every day in school and things are more fluid.

Bekabeech · 09/04/2018 10:32

I've always found it odd when mothers of boys have explained why they haven't invited my DD to parties because they were just boys. Maybe they thought like you OP.

My DC have had single sex parties and mixed parties, the later is trickier as few boys are happy being with just girls or girls being with just boys (there are some), so you tend to have to invite 2 or 3 at least.

As your DD gets older who is invited will be much less "the children of people you are friends with" and more her own friends. And the social mixing is likely to change a lot - as people make friends with the parents of children their child are friends with. And especially as your DD is the only girl, you may find the group splits - as everyone else makes friends with the people they share standing watching football with every Saturday or share lifts to Rugby.
You need to start making friends with the parents of other girls.