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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child not invited to party

191 replies

RedDice · 09/04/2018 09:24

Ok dd is in reception came up from nursery with a few friends girls and boys, the mums all became friends st nursery and it’s carried on to school we meet up with dc and socially.
Dd had a party and included all nursery friends still in her class, now a good friend of hers and mine dc is having a party and not invited dd back.
Now I know just because you invite something yours doesn’t mean you instantly get one back but being close friends, play dates etc and for dd not be included seems odd.
I saw her handing out the invites in front of us so not a mix up.

It’s put me off the mum who I thought was a friend really.

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 09/04/2018 14:50

Agree with the pp - who YOU are friendly with and who your DD is friendly with will start to diverge more and more as SHE grows up. It's great if parents and children all get along, but in reality that often doesn't happen.

However, in this instance it's probably not personal at all. There are likely to many children in the class to invite everyone to the party and the easiest way to split is to invite children of the same sex as the Birthday child - or ask the child to pick a certain number of friends (but this is the harder option as children swap friends every week at this age!!).

But YANBU that the mother has committed a school social faux pas. It's never the done thing to hand over invitations at school unless you are inviting everyone. We're having a party soon and I will be emailing invitations - to avoid exactly this kind of upset.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 14:53

It's excluding and unkind if they invite 29 or 28 out of 30. Why shouldn't a child choose to invite half the class? It's not excluding. It's not unkind.

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/04/2018 15:26

I also disagree with the idea that if a child is not invited to a party they should be invited to a separate playdate!

Thirtyrock39 · 09/04/2018 15:59

I think a close mum friend would usually address it with you to be sensitive and tactful even though party dynamics change a lot from preschool (mums friends kids) to school age (tends to be more the kids choice)
When my dd was in year two we didn't invite a close friends daughter-it was a small party and the girls weren't that close friends- and the mum friend didn't speak to me for two years so it is a sensitive subject ...I did try and speak to her but after invites went out and in her eyes the damage was done - you are in your rights to be pissed off if no explanation given - I'd ask directly as well as there is always the chance your invite has been lost

Jessikita · 09/04/2018 19:13

I think it was an unkind and spiteful thing to do.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 19:17

I think it was an unkind and spiteful thing to do

It was neither, and with an attitude like that you will find you get no invites at all....

ChickenMom · 09/04/2018 19:27

These people aren’t your real friends. They are “our kids are the same age” friends. Expand your social circle and get your head off the notion that you can predict, rely or trust these people. You’ll have a much easier time of the school thing if you toughen up and let all of this go over your head like water. If you are upset by this then you’re in for a rough ride. You’ll get the times when the Mum invites 3 of their “best class friends” to legoland for the birthday and although your kid is on paper the bestest mate they have, they still aren’t invited and you are mystified. It happens. It’s aggravating and you feel bad for your kid but you just have to let it roll and smile and not engage. The whole school/class party thing is seriously fucked up

BackforGood · 09/04/2018 20:12

I think it was an unkind and spiteful thing to do.

What is Jessikita ? Confused

Are you really suggesting choosing to invite your friends, rather than someone who happened to attend the same Nursery as you is "unkind and spiteful" ?
Surely not.
Why on earth should a child be expected to invite someone to their birthday party, just because it suited their parents to use the same Nursery ??? What an odd way to do things.

Jessikita · 09/04/2018 20:15

@repealmay25th

You can’t tell me an “opinion” is wrong thank you.

Jessikita · 09/04/2018 20:16

I think it’s unkind to leave someone out, does one extra child real make that much difference?

And I think it’s spiteful to hand the invitations out on front of your child’s face.

That’s just my opinion. No one said you had to agree!!

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 20:23

I think it’s unkind to leave someone out, does one extra child real make that much difference

That doesn't make sense. If its spiteful and cruel to exclude, then every child the kid knows needs to be included, don't they? So not one extra child but perhaps 20, or 30!

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 20:23

You can’t tell me an “opinion” is wrong thank you

actual I can, when its illogical and plain wrong.

iamyourequal · 09/04/2018 20:26

You are not being unreasonable OP. If it was to be an all boys party, and the boys mum cares about her friendship with you and your daughter, the decent thing would have been to have a word with you and explain what was happening. If kids have been close friends the past couple of years, I think it’s crap to just drop them like a hot potato when they start school.

iamyourequal · 09/04/2018 20:30

I think Jessikita is right, not wrong! The boy and girl have been good friends for most of their little lives so far. They went to nursery and frequently play at each other’s homes. It’s bloody rotten the wee girl hasn’t been invited to his party without any explanation from the mum. Sure they will need to toughen up and accept things like this but it doesn’t make it right!

RadioGaGoo · 09/04/2018 20:35

'I think it was an unkind and spiteful thing to do'

'It was neither, and with an attitude like that you will find you get no invites at all..'

There speaks the voice of experience.

Iamwarrior · 09/04/2018 20:39

I would object more to the fact that a 5 year old is having an all boys party if that is the case.

Why is this segregation seen as normal?

BackforGood · 09/04/2018 21:10

The boy and girl have been good friends for most of their little lives so far.

No, 'most of their lives' the dc would not have been at a developmental stage to "be" friends. They might have played alongside one another. They might even, through circumstance, have played with each other at 3, in Nursery, but they haven't "been good friends for most of their lives". The parents have enjoyed each other's company and met up, but again, that is not a pre-schooler's choice.
Once at school, a child then gets the chance, for their 5th birthday, for the first time, to choose who they would like to share it with. It you are inviting 5 others, then of course one more makes a difference. To be honest, even if you are inviting 10 others, one more still makes a difference. How long are you going to keep saying 'one more won't make a difference' for ? Will 'just 2 more' or 'just 3 more' make a difference?

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 21:14

There speaks the voice of experience

Yes, experience to know that it is neither unkind or spiteful to not invite every single child of a friend to your kids birthday. Which you know and agree with, if you are honest about it.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 21:16

Why is this segregation seen as normal?

Because it IS NORMAL. Little boys very often want to play with other little boys and not girls. Its the same for girls. It's perfectly normal. It's also normal for them to want a mix of boys and girls.

What is not normal is parents inviting children that the birthday child doesnt want to come.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 21:16

Why is this segregation seen as normal?

Because it IS NORMAL. Little boys very often want to play with other little boys and not girls. Its the same for girls. It's perfectly normal. It's also normal for them to want a mix of boys and girls.

What is not normal is parents inviting children that the birthday child doesnt want to come.

UpOver · 09/04/2018 21:26

OP
Dd did notice but didn’t seem upset

YDINBU. (Your daughter is not being unreasonable)

Dancinggoat · 09/04/2018 21:27

When my son started school with a friends son we had a chat that went along the lines of - don't feel obligated to invite our children to each other's birthday parties or over to play. It's fine if they have separate friends. - best conversation we had. They didn't go to each other's parties as they had separate friends in school and they were the same sex.

Nonky · 09/04/2018 21:31

You will find on here most people saying you are being unreasonable. They will however tend to be the mums of the children who do get invited to parties. Until you have actually seen your child distraught and upset by something like this you cannot understand the hurt and pain it can cause

Rawesome6 · 09/04/2018 21:32

Why would you keep your distance from the other mum? Either you like her or you don't. Please don't tell me you have fallen into the hideous playground momma trap of subjugating all your instincts to cultivate a social circle and life for your child...

If you like her, hang out with her, if you don't then don't.

Your DD will form friendships and the best will be those that are independent of parental collusion!

I don't really get why you are so upset about the lack of invite. Do you get left out of things or did you as a child? Please don't inflict your neuroses on your child about this. Sounds like she was pretty chilled about it all - good on her!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2018 21:35

I woukd be miffed to, it woukd put me off the mum. Don't worry, just encourage your dd with other friendships.