AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

Cancel the christening, go and stay at your Mum’s for a while. Let your DH think over where his loyalties lie and see if he can grow a backbone. And if he can’t, well, then sadly you know what the future holds.

Good luck op x

I don’t know how you’ve stuck this out for as long as you have OP. These people are awful and DH just won’t remove his blinkers. Perhaps some time living with them may do that for him. I’d go ahead with the christening, but uninvite the lot of them. (*as if you would ask that troll of a woman to be his fairy godmother! Are they on glue?!?!)

for you OP. Hope christening goes well in the end. Fingers crossed your DH lives up to his word and you don't have to worry about seeing SIL and MIL after then.

Sorry to hear you're going through this, op. Let your family stand up for you & ds. Your DH needs to begin to feel outnumbered & then see how he feels about that.

Let’s hope he actually deals with his family when they realise you’re NC. What a bunch of tits. Your MIL sounds hideous.

Hope christening is bearable for you and you can focus on DS and your family.

I think you need to get some independent counselling so your “D”H gets an outside perspective.

Personally, unless his family all buck up their ideas and condemn SIL's shitty behaviour and start calling her out each time, I would uninvite all of them. DH included. Bollocks to that.

I hope you can get through the Christening and manage to maintain your NC .

Cancel the christening. Rearrange for another day and do not invite your in-laws. They will ruin the christening day for you, that is a certainty. Don't let them. And go NC.

I have a SIL very similar to yours and a brother very similar to your DH! SIL does not like me one bit and has been horrible to me in front of my family and nobody says anything. Brother is firmly in the "it's between them" Camp and my sister and Mum are "supporting" my brother by not rocking the boat. I'm NC with brother and his wife which is sad because their daughter and my son love each other very much and love playing together.

Such a shame your DH isn't putting you first rather than his horrible sister and his family who are so happy to enable her!!

Sounds like you've got a good support network in your family and friends and think you should definitely be spending more time with them and less with these people who make you so unhappy.

Your husbands relatives are toxic and pathetic, of course, but your husband is vile, he hasn’t bothered his hole improving himself or untangling himself from his shit relatives and instead has the fucking audacity to blame you-the person he vowed to cherish, honour and protect. Pathetic. How does he enhance your life? Does this ‘marriage’ make you feel adored, safe, cherished? Continue to cut the trash out of your life, but that man you married...he’s not even trying, his no.1 priority is his shitty relatives.

If you feel you can't cancel it, make sure you and DS are never alone, make your DH stick by you, or one of your own family the entire day. Hopefully that will keep them at bay. That way if one of them starts, then say I'm not listening, this is DSs christening, it's no appropriate and if you say anything else I will be asking you to leave.
Stick to your guns and don't be afraid to call them out if they start something, repeat what they just said, loudly in a questioning voice so others hear

Thing is though, it’s not OPs job/responsibility/obligation to have these wanker inflicted on her or damage her child, there’s no reason to have the sister in law or her enablers anywhere near her in order to think of witty retorts and damage limitation, OPs husband is failing SO hard, yes having a toxic family is horrendous, wrecks you for life etc. but this man is doing absolutely fuck all to remedy the situation, he’s throwing the woman he vowed to protect to the wolves and is not being proactive about cutting the trash out of his life and beginning therapy to undo the damage they’ve done and protect the family he made himself. It’s not acceptable.

There is a massive, massive plus that you can take from this: DS is young enough not to remember any of this shit.

FIL has been NC with us since Ds1 was a year old, after dh finally stood up to him for being a controlling, manipulative, nasty cunt. FIL has never met ds2. And I’m just so relieved that neither of them are going to be exposed to his shit.

Looks like we’ll be seeing very, very little of my shitty MIL now as well.

Having no contact with family is better than being exposed to poison

I'd cancel the christening and rebook it at a later date with only friends and my family there.

I'd also take DS and go and stay with my family for a while and tell DH it's up to him as to whether this was a permanent split. He will need to choose - his batshit psycho family or his wife and child. If there's even a split second of hesitation then that would tell you all you need to know.

If you have decided to go no contact with a family member because of their abusive behavior that is what you tell them and the rest of the family and when they try to engage you say No. Not negotiable. Seven years of being the better person is long enough. You have a responsibility to protect your child from verbally abusive family members.

If you have agreed to NC why are you still allowing these awful.people the opportunity to ruin your DS christening? The NC should commence now, your DH is truly awful and as much as you may love him even despite your divorce conversation he thinks your the issue and still asked you to speak to the SIL He really isn't doing what's right by you or your DS. If your going to allow these people yo come to the christening they need to be told by your DH that if they are rude at any point hey will be asked to leave. You should also brief your own family and friends and ensure they are with you so your not left to be abused. Can't even believe i am writing this I would just be telling them there not coming. Your DH has enabled them to behave like this.

I agree with the others that your husband is going to have to weigh in on this one. I'm sorry but not liking confrontation is a total cop out and basically gives his family permission to continue to treat you like shit.

My SIL was like this with me once. She was ridiculous. It all came to a head after our wedding when she put an album of photos up of the day without a single photo of me - seriously there was no bride and a big group pic of her whole family (again without me) from the day saying "love my family sooo much". There were lots of other things but this was the straw that broke the camels back - anyway I called her on it in public, which she didn't like. Cue the rest of the family wading in about how unfair I was being etc and my husband basically told them all that they start respecting me or they don't get to have a relationship with him. And it worked. We had a few months of not speaking to that sister before she eventually got the message and she's never done it since.

Your DH needs to back you up 100% or this is going to keep happening.

He'd like me to try to talk to SIL - I honestly think that if he can still say that with a straight face, after all these years of seeing the way she has treated you, then you need to divorce.

He's throwing you under the bus, your feelings, your experience, by trying to lessen it into 'oooh they've never got on.' If he doesn't truly have your back now you have a child, then it's divorce.

I agree with everything fizzygreenwater said.

Why wait to go nc. Do it now. You’re dh finally sees you’re serious so carry it through.

Btw yanbu and the reason why it went on for so long was because you’d been conditioned to think that you were the problem, if only you tried harder everything would be ok. Well that’s crap and you can see them trying to do the same shit with your son and good for you for not putting up with it any longer.

Your posts could be written by me about my SIL, all I can say is please stick to you guns where your DS is concerned.

Your DH is so used to how his mum and sister are that he doesn't see it as a problem. It is so ingrained for all of them, this is why they say "that's how she is" My DH has said that about SIL before and I lost it! If a child did the same naughty thing 2 or 3 times, you wouldn't accept it, so why do we accept and make allowances for adults who go on like that?!

My SIL never once asked after my DM who was dying of cancer for 6 months, only to rock up at our house unannounced 5 hours after my DM had died with a brochure for a funeral home, having rang the crem to find out what availability they had and said she'd do the service (she's a vicar) I blatantly ignored everything she said and didn't even look at her!

Your son's mental health and confidence would be hugely affected by their actions and behaviour (it's ok to say what you like as long as you buy a gift...) if they were allowed contact.
And, like you say, you feel like you have had a weight lifted by speaking your mind and not having to put yourself through seeing them or dealing with them. You being stressed and upset because of them is not worth it - please keep telling yourself that.

You will never be able to reason with these people. They sound horrendous and thrive on this.
Your Sil will never change towards you. There is absolutely no point in talking to her more.
Did your dh not hear what they said about your ds??
Just go completely nc with them. I’d also want to uninvite them from the christening. If you can’t, then just ignore them as much as you can.

I couldn't be with someone who didn't have my back. That's one of the main purposes of a relationship for me.

I wouldn't be allowing them anywhere near the Christening and I can't understand why they will still be coming?

I agree that the OP's DH has been spineless, but I suspect he's actually badly damaged by his past. My childhood was toxic, but I couldn't see it, as for me it had been normalised. I remember my SIL being shocked when I told her how much we argued as a family. It often takes an outsider to remove the scales from your eyes.

I would recommend the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board, it was a real eye opener. Your DH is a victim, I think, but that doesn't mean you should stay married to him. If you let this continue, your DS will very likely end up like him.

You really must put your DS first. I'm so sorry you're having this shit to deal with, this is supposed to be a a joyful occasion which you can look back on in years to come.

Oh it sounds awful.

I’d get dh to commit to couples counselling starting straight after the christening, because i think you’ll probably hold yourself together through the christening (because you are brave and compassionate and generally lovely)... but you will both need help to get through this as a couple.

I suspect your dh will be keen to force you into the ‘head down and let them hurt you’ strategy that he’s developed over his life, and that he’s forced you into for the previous years.

He is willfully blind to the damage his behaviour has done to your marriage. And you’ll both need help to heal after the event and move on together as a couple.

If you leave it until afterwards, I think he’ll conveniently ‘forget’ whatever hurt and pain they’ve caused you, in his desire to smooth things over and pretend everything is normal. Strike now whilst you’ve got a chink in the armour...