AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

Please don't apologise to any one. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I include GPIL. The entire IL family are part of allowing SIL to behave like this and have condoned, colluded and enabled.

Leave them to it. Your husband is at fault. He is not seeing you or dc as any kind of priority. Rightly, you consider this a deal breaker. Does he know that you are prepared to end the marriage?

I'd up the anti

Tell him, if she goes you and DS will leave. And do it.

Tell him unless he speaks up to her or his parents, you will leave, and do it.

It's his problem to solve then.

See if he steps up.

Ihate in your position I’d completely burn bridges.

STOP being pushed around. If your dh won’t tell her to fuck off - you tell her.

I spent five years being MILs whipping boy and every one stuck up for her and just expected me to ignore it.

So I packed a bag and told DH I was leaving if he didn’t endorse a ban to our house. I also told her she want welcome. I told FIL she wasn’t welcome because she is bully.
Me dry one thought I was bat shit crazy mad woman but I didn’t care! It was just a fucking relief not to have her around me.

I also banned the kids from seeing her for a year! And then the only went on my agreement - not at her demands.

Three years later and we are just starting to make amends (begrudgingly) because we are having to spend some time together for a long family event.

STOP being a muppet and tell them to get to fuck. If you don’t - this is it.... this is how your whole family will treat you, just imagine them doing when your kids are older and they see you taking shit

AngelicInnocent's idea is brilliant for the christening. A close family member or friend of yours (or two) who is (are) prepared to go to the SIL early on in the event, take her aside and tell her quietly and firmly that her behaviour to you has been noted by people outside her family, that people are not impressed and that she will be expected to behave herself today or she will be asked to leave.
For the longer term, you need to make it clear to your dh that you cannot tolerate this any longer and that he needs to help protect you and your son from it. That if this behaviour does not stop she will not be welcome in your home and she will no longer be seeing your ds. And that he needs to back you up in this as he knows how dreadful she is to you. How does she treat him, btw?

You don't need to have a shit day.

You already know what her behaviour is likely to be so you are already prepared, enjoy your baby's christening and stay amongst your family. What do they say say about her treatment of you?

I think you need to face the fact that your dh is too cowardly [at the moment] to face his parents and sister and say enough is enough.

Perhaps the cold hard truth that you've had enough of not being backed up by him and feel distressed enough to consider leaving him might be the wake up call he needs.

i would leave over this. But none of this is his fault either

He is 100% complicit in it. Don’t fool yourself he isn’t

I can't understand you dh. My mil and fil behaved appallingly when staying with us about 5 years ago. Very disrespectful towards me. I didn't have to say a thing because my calm, patient, quiet husband absolutely refused to tolerate them treating me that way and had it out with them. Knowing he's 100% on my side means I can accept the crazy from his family.

She sounds absolutely diabolical and I woukd have lost my shit with her ages ago. I personally woukd suck it up for dh sake for one day, regarding the Christening. Yiur dh, shoukd have your back, does not sound like he has. I woukd sit down with him, and have a candid cinversation with him, like you have said on here. He needs to be supporting you. I basically wou,d spend as little time possible around her, life's too short for that rubbish. If dh wants to take your ds to see her, than she's welcome, but I some not welcome her into my home, unless she starts treating you better, with more respect.

I don't understand why your husband doesn't sort this out. If my sister or brother said awful things about my DH and treated him badly I wouldn't have her at my events.

That's really the problem...because she's been allowed to get away with treating you badly. By doing nothing...the family are enabling her.

A friend had this issue and in the end her DH told his sis that she wasn't welcome in his house if she couldn't respect his wife. My friend said she changed after that ...although she knows it's fake...but the nastiness has stopped.

He should tell her to be civil to you or stay away.

You have a DH problem. Your DH should support you in SIL not being invited - people who are abusive to his life partner should not be welcome. Does he actually love her, or is he just afraid of her? And his mother? He needs to set big, red, foot thick boundaries here - this cannot damage your relationship, if any relationships are damaged it needs to be that with his sister.

What a cunt - honestly, sounds like her family just pander to her awful behaviour and just expect you to as well. DO NOT.

Apologise for shouting at the grandparents, but not for the content of what you said, because it was the truth. She stays uninvited and NC with you until she can do some self-reflection, apologise and actually be a nice person in future.

If she'll never change - oh well. You never, ever have to see her again if you don't want to.

When/if people try to tell you the nasty things she is saying about you, @IHateToCashew, you would be quite within your rights to stop them, and that is what I’d suggest you do. Say something like, “It really hurts me when you come and tell me the nasty things SIL is saying about me, and I would like you to stop, please”.

I would still invite her. You’ll be very provocative not to, and awful as she is, she’s your brothers wife. You’ll put him in a terrible position.
I think it's DH that is putting YOU in an awkward situation by allowing his family to treat you this way.

Your DH needs to know that his lack of support in this is putting your marriage at risk.

And if they are insensitive/rude enough to carry on, say “No! I don’t want to hear any more. Let’s change the subject now please!”

Wow. She needs to grow up and your “D”H needs to stand up to his family.

You’ve been direct with her family, now be direct with him. Tell him that his family is putting your relationship at risk. If I were you I’d say that she can go to the christening but on the condition that she behaves herself and that he has to tell her that and be crystal clear about what that means including being civil to you and not slagging you off and not having a tantrum.

Uninvited her. I would.

me too.. cut this SCUM off .. don't let her treat you like shit and get away with it for all these years... no chance

I would definitely unvite her, not a hope I am paying for someone to eat my food, drink my drink and slag me off while ruining my son's event, no way hose, life is too short for that shit. Your dh needs to cop himself on and sort this out or cut her off

There’s a lot of people on MN who put up with a hell of a lot of shit before they do anything - you included.

I think under the circumstances, I wouldn’t rescind the invite, but I would make it clear to DH that you are done. That if people can’t even be civil to you then he and he alone can deal with his family. Tell him as well that you won’t allow him to take his child to see them because you don’t trust him to back you up when (because they will) slag you off to your own son.

Tell him this is a situation of his own making, for 7 years he has allowed his sister and mother to treat you like shit, and quite frankly you’ve had enough. If they can’t be civil now then they never will be so you’re ceasing contact immediately.

I am furious on your behalf OP, with your husband. They’re horrible but it’s him that should have your back.

YANBU at all. the only thing you have done wrong is to tolerate this for waaaaaay too long.

DO NOT apologise to GPIL. They are well aware what she is like & have taken her side. They should have managed her.

You are on the right path now. Keep standing up for yourself, do not back down.

IF DH doesn't start to man up & stick up for you, pack him a bag. This is his fault as he does nothing to stop them. No-one likes a coward, if he cant protect his own wife, that's exactly what he is & he doesn't deserve you.

Your husband is letting you down terribly by allowing you to be treated this badly. He should have stood up for you and stopped this years ago.

*I think she's a cunt with a long history of cunt behaviour and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Tell your DH this and tell him to deal with his sister.*

I'm loving this thread, please can we give this advice to everyone who comes in having to deal with toxic in laws, rather than all the old "oh you must be fair" twaddle - fuck that.

I went NC with my SiL 17 year ago over almost exactly the same shit. Its worked extremely well for everyone. I cannot recommend it to you highly enough OP. Occasionally DH sees SiL but my kids never have. Again, working well all round. Try it.

Yes you definitely have a DH problem, he should have your back, and not alliwyiu to be treated in that way. So keeping the peace, and his sister's feelings, are far more important than you, his wife, partner and lover. Did that for a game of soldiers, uninvited her, put yourself first for a change, tell your H to pack his bags, if he's not going to support you, and allow his wife to be treated in such s disrespectful manner. She is getting away with shitty behaviour, as nobody in that family Hass backbone, and pulls her up on it. They are all to blame for creating this.

I would leave over this. But none of this is his fault either

He is allowing his family to treat you like this so actually, it is hugely his fault.

He should have YOUR back.

Tit for tat. She doesnt worry herself with your feelings and being civil to you so she gets the same back.

She has shown herself to be an arse at other big events you've had so don't feel obligated to have her at the Christening if it will stress you out. You've made it clear you have had enough of her behaviour. Sure DH's family may clutch their pearls but oh well they don't sound that great anyway.

To be honest you hold the cards here. If she wants access to your DS well then she needs to shape up, you don't really lose if she has a tantrum and you cut that down.

As for DH/GFIL wanting you all to be friends - of course that would be nice but it isn't up to you, you tried. If SIL is 'just like that' she can enjoy the consequences of her behaviour.

Your DH is choosing his sister over you.

Your DH is choosing an easy life while yours is miserable when his sister is around.

And your inlaws may be lovely, but by not pulling their own DD up on her shitty, abusive, out of line behaviour in her treatment of you, they are complicit.

I would make it very clear to your DH that you are done with this, and he backs you up or he can go live with his fucking sister.

Your DH needs to man up and speak to his sister and mother by the sounds of it. He must see how his sister treats you, and it’s not on.