AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

Sounds like she is totally attention seeking and no matter how much you try it'll never be enough. So don't. Give her the same amount of civility and attention you would anyone else and move on if she doesn't reciprocate.
But who are all the people she is bitching about you to and why are they telling you and not covering your back?
Sounds like their whole family has leaned 'how to handle' her - ie walk on eggshells and give her everything she wants to shut her up. Don't be ashamed of your outburst, the family probably were long overdue hearing it, just back it up with a more measured, but definitely firm, footing from here on in. And be clear with your DH what you need from him. And yes to counselling.

It's not his fault?

No, it's his sisters fault, but he is enabling it. He is not stopping it, therefore he is condoning it - he's part of the problem.

I had two SIL’s and an Auntie in law who treated me like this... cured it with divorce.

I'm sure she gets a real bang out of watching you try to suck up to her, as well. People behave the way she does because they're controlling other people, it makes them feel powerful to have everyone scuttling around trying to keep in her good graces.

Next time you interact with her, remind yourself that she's enjoying it if you're tempted to try to placate her.

Ask for some holy water and throw it at her, right in the mush.

My sils hated me because I had my wedding first, I gave the pil a grandchild first, I wouldn’t lick their arses, I was “alternative”, I lived closer to pil, my child was a girl, my child was a boy, I was a SAHM, I got a job, I didn’t have a Tiffany bracelet, I didn’t have ugg boots, I outed my exes behaviour to the world and they didn’t want to admit it because FIL was the same! Refused to believe he cheated, but had the other woman and her child round a month later.

When we split up I didn’t hear off any of them ever again, and neither did my kids! Doesn’t that say it all?

Whatever you do, she won’t like it. Don’t suck up anymore.

As they say, you don’t have an in law problem you have a DH problem.

It is his job to defend you and advocate for you. For whatever reason he has refused to do this leaving you to take matters into your own hands.

I'm working through all your messages. Thank you so much everyone for the support.

My family won't talk to my MIL and SIL anymore. At all. They've made it clear they really struggle being in the same room as both of them, not without saying something. I've always said to them in the past to just ignore them/keep quiet and not retaliate. For DH's sake. But I'm sick of being the one who suffers to keep the peace.

For background (trying not to drip feed) DH doesn't get along with his dad who left his mother, had another family. Long story short, MIL and SIL are very much the only family he does get on with despite everything. I wouldn't say they treat him brilliantly either. MIL belittles him, SIL constantly competes with him over really trivial matters, so I'm not sure he really has a great time with them either. But you're all right, he is at fault for not sticking up for me.

I worry about cutting them out, all of DH's family, and DS growing up resenting me for not allowing contact. I know he doesn't need to grow up with such vicious and poisonous influences in his life. But he doesn't know that they're like that.

I'd stop "keeping the peace" and let your family tell your poisonous SIL exactly what they think of her.

After the christening go NC.I can't see what DH gets out of the relationship either. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

Your DS needs a happy mum who knows how to stick up for herself aswell as for him. They're nice to him now, how long till they start treating him like they treat you & your DH. How will he feel when they start to say mean things about you to him?

Face up the to the fact that they aren't nice to you & DH & deal with that alone. I doubt your DS will give a monkeys that he doesn't really know them.

I'm not saying it's not sad that they are mean, it is sad. But pretending it is otherwise just because you wish it so, won't make it so.

Or think of it another way, you hold all the cards as you determine access to your DS who is still little. Whilst he is at his most cute, you have the best chance to train them on how to behave. They need very clear boundaries about what is acceptable.

Perhaps your DH has been turned against his dad my his mother. Given their behaviour, it's arguable that he had reason for moving on. Perhaps get in touch with him & ask a few more questions.

Of course you can uninvite her, who cares if she attends the church, she is not invited after. Never invite her again to anything, go NC with your in laws, life is too short to put up with this behaviour.

Great that you finally stood up for yourself but why on earth have you allowed yourself to be bullied for the last seven years by this bitch. What happened to your DH’s backbone, allowing you to be treated this way. Sounds like he is a lump of a man and doesn’t have your back. Tell him his sister is not coming near you and your DS, you have had quite enough!

You have a DH problem. Tell him to stick up for you or you’re done. You shouldn’t have to be treated by shit by his family while he watches, what an arsehole!!

May I also recommend: www.reddit.com/r/JustNoFamily/

And:
www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/

Both for the wonderful advice from other people who deal with shitty in-laws and for the shocking stories

I am of the opinion that if someone treats you like shit (and that seems to be the case here from all of your posts), you should just tin them from your life.

She has ruined several large occasions of yours - why let her ruin yet another? Blood means fuck all when people behave so badly.

Your DH needs to be told you don't want this negative drama and bullshit in your life, and get on board and support you as a husband (he will know how much effort you've made over 7 years). If he won't stick up for you or agree then I agree with PPs who suggested counselling.

I would absolutely uninvite her - her and any other arseholes-in-law who will screw up the day.

Its always maintaining the peace, for their sakes, what about YOU, op, you are a person too who matters, what about your well being. Time to put you first, and say no to that crap. If dh does not have a backbone, you do. Don't allow them in your home, your sanctuary, but dh can go and meet up outside the home with them. You do not have to be around toxic people op, it is your choice to say no. Don't go to family functions, don't meet up with them, put yourself first. I would certainly not be inviting SIL into your home, eating your food, and drinking your drink, whilst treating you like dirt. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.

You need to tell/text SIL 'to behave or she will be asked to leave'

It's yours and DS day and you don't want it spoiling. Your DH needs to support you on this!

If you live close to them and they are a meaningful part of you life I can see why it’s worth having it out and clearing the air. If you see her rarely and his family aren’t a big part of your lives then my advice is to work hard to get to a place where you genuinely don’t care. She can’t hurt your feelings if you decide she’s not worth the effort and treat her with the patience you might show a small child.

I have a tricky dynamic with my in laws and one of my SIL is insanely rude but I barely see them and I don’t want my DH to have to deal with the rift so I literally ignore the negativity and am sweetness and light around them. It works (but I can only do it because it’s for short amounts of time a few times a year).

I think generally kids benefit from good relationships and contact with their families on both sides and that adult’s feelings should generally come second to kids needs. The exception is if someone in either family is abusive or poses a risk of physical or emotional harm to the child.

You need to put your foot down with your DH. "If you insist they come, then I'll cancel the event" and point out that as your DH he should be sticking up for you and making it very clear that they cannot treat you this way. He is choosing them over you every single time he backs them up and not you. You DS will not resent you if he has NC with those two, he wouldn't want to be around people that can treat their mother so disgustingly. He would grow up thinking it's normal to behave that way.
Call them out on it and if they still won't resolve it then go NC. I did this with my mum over her accusing my DP of something, I stopped her seeing my son and it lasted another 10 weeks but she came around and apologised. If your DH kicks up a fuss say "if you agree with the way they are treating me then you need to decide if we're meant to be together...me and your son are your family not them...if you want them to be around us then you stand up for me, if not then decide what it is you exactly want"
I really hope you're ok, and that something gives and gets better. ❤️ x

Tempting to sneak up behind her when she is full on bitching about you, wait patiently until she has finished or she realises you are there then smile, shake your head and tell her that she really must think of something more original.

You will no longer be tolerating her appalling behaviour towards you.

Do not let her spoil Your day. Roll eyes, practice the bored stare. Don't feed her behaviour, acknowledge it and dismiss it. Dismiss her. She has had her chance and has blown it. Be prepared for her to turn victim.
Your husband is gutless. If he will not make a stand for you then you have to do it. You will have plenty of family there, just make sure they are everywhere she is.

Your son will not resent you when he grows up for not allowing contact. My DM was LC with a few of her family, we were all told an age-appropriate version of the reason why, and it made perfect sense to us.

“Your Auntie is nasty to Mummy so we don’t want to be friends with her any more” is fine for a five year old. “Your aunt spent our wedding day saying x, y, z about me” is fine when he’s 14. Laugh about her. Turn “Stuff Awful Auntie Julie Did” into a family joke. By the time he is old enough to have an opinion, he is not going to want to spend time with an unpleasant old woman he doesn’t know, and that is all she will be to him by that stage.

Just been to collect a parcel SIL has sent to DS for Easter from the post office. I'm half tempted to send it back I don't want her thinking she can go off on one at DH and I, then throw some money at the problem and all be forgiven. But I think it would come across as quite passive aggressive.

DH still refusing to discuss the issue. I said on Sunday that I wanted this resolved by the christening. If not, she isn't welcome, or the whole thing is postponed. I'm right to leave the ball in his court to sort stuff out though. At least I think!

In the interim - DS will not be visiting her in our hometown, not will she be visiting our home. You're all right, I'm not going to keep the peace and go along with this anymore. Mine, and DS's feelings are coming first now.

Well I think you've finally grown a pair! Good for you.

You told him exactly what he needs to do and by when and what will happen if it isn't resolved

Ball is definitely in his court and mean what you say.

If it's not resolved say a week before - univite - if she kicks up a fuss postpone.

Well done, OP. It might feel bad at the moment but you've broken through a big, psychological block and acted with authenticity which I've found to be important. 'Being nice' just doesn't work long-term in these situations.

I also agree that people like your DH can tend to ignore the feelings of the least difficult people in the interests of placating the most difficult - doing what's most convenient and easiest. He's learnt to do this over many years (possibly for his own safety growing up). So sometimes you have to cause some waves in order to make positive changes.

I think I would consider cancelling the Christening and then have a quiet do, minus family, another time. You could always have a tiny Christening followed by a reception/party/naming ceremony for family.

Alternatively, you could message your SIL and MIL telling them how it's going to be. Be brief and factual. Personally, I wouldn't want my child brought up witnessing someone treating me badly like you've described so would stop contact with SIL and would definitely uninvite her. I would also apologise to the GPIL.

Just some ideas. I'm sure you're the best judge.

well done OP keep up the fighting spirit, no one deserves to be treated as you have been, its disgusting.

Good on you, that's the way. Why are your feelings and you any less than her!

good on you

I'm right to leave the ball in his court to sort stuff out though

Yes you are. Good work, OP.