AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

I would just get through the Christening and go minimal contact with your DHs family. If he can't look out for you and your child, then you will have to do it. You know you deserve better. for you

If she has ruined every other special day then univite her and tell her and her lovely family why. She sounds like the type of person who would like to become a favourite in your childs lfe to get one over you ....dont fall for it .. sounds like you have tried-stop trying as none is treating you any better for it...

honestly, your DH may not want to admit it but he can see they are treating you like crap. I would stop focussing on them and focus entirely on DH. Give him the choices and follow through.

A man who loves and cherishes you and your child would not stand by and be complicit in this abuse. Jesus, I couldn't stand by and watch that and I've never even met you!

I know this must be awful for you to hear, but I think that whole family, including your DH, is deeply dysfunctional and downright cruel. Do you still even respect your DH? Because he obviously doesn't respect you.

I'm sorry, but I honestly think if I were you I'd leave. Go and stay with your own mum. You need and deserve some love and kindness.

And I would never, ever speak to SIL and MIL again. Ever.

LTB. The apple never falls far from the tree.

Just read more of your update🍷🍰🌷they all sound horrible people and your husband not much better..... sounds like you need to start believing you deserve better. They are now attacking you vicariously through your son.... thats so low ...you need to go no contact while you take time to discuss with your husband where his loyalties lie .

Hi, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time.
Can you maybe go NC without it being a hostile thing... let your DH have a relationship with his family if he wants, but take a step back yourself for a while? It might leave it open to healing in the future, but takes the pressure off you feeling you have to fix their behaviour, and puts the focus back on DH.
Also, if there is a pattern or predictability to the things DSIL will be saying at the Christening, why not organise a secret game of insult bingo with those closest to you? ;-) Might change the way you receive the insults!

Your DH is not supporting you. Cancel. Leave. Book another christening with people who love you and your DC.

Honestly life is too short to put up with this crap.

Your DH isn't there for you, IMO, I'm sorry.

But I've been there, put up with it for most of my adult life so now I'm pretty intolerant of abusive people.

Shouldn’t your DH be worried you and DS will leave him because he’s not sticking up for his family and letting his extended family be rude and hurtful.
How can you love someone who is letting them treat you and DS like this? Strangers wouldn’t be this rude to you!

if there is a pattern or predictability to the things DSIL will be saying at the Christening, why not organise a secret game of insult bingo with those closest to you? ;-) Might change the way you receive the insults!

Great idea @gottastop - I'll be pinching that for various situations!

OP, just wanted to send you . Such a shame about all this. Once you're past the christening, hopefully things will be clearer for you and you won't have the worry of it hanging over your head.

If you're active in your church, is there anybody there you could talk to about it? Any friends who aren't family, who might come along to help & specifically have your back?

I'd be packing DH's things and telling him to leave.

Postpone the christening, rearrange it for another time and go NC with the in laws.

Disgusting behaviour from supposed adults.

oh OP how awful for you and a real culmination of awfulness.

I get (usually) how difficult it can be for the child of the awful parent/sibling to the awful sibling to extricate themselves from the relationship and see the destructive reality.

But I have to say in this case I can't see how your DH is trying at all to support you, to say you and DS are his primary family unit and therefore 100% of his concern.

Am not advocating ltb (although I wouldn't spend your time worrying if he is going to leave you - I have a feeling you will be fine).

But once the christening is over I think you and DS need to be NC with MIL/SIL etc and I'd be putting out some fairly concrete expectations of your DH - whether that is counselling (individual/joint), a period of time where he does not involve himself at all with his family to focus his attention on you/whatever you see it.

If he can't step up to that plate then sadly I think you have some decisions to make

I know you're all right it's a DH problem. A huge one. We've been talking for the last half hour. He did seem genuinely devastated I was thinking about divorce if this doesn't change.

After a lot of tears on my part, he's agreed to NC for both myself and DS until he's old enough to hold his own with them and make his own mind up. DH is still planning on keeping contact. He'd like me to try to talk to SIL, but I've said I don't see the point. It's nothing I haven't tried for years, why would now be any different? She's apparently really upset about not being asked to be a godparent, but I couldn't care any less. Why on earth she thinks I'd ask her is beyond me.

Just need to get through Sunday now and hope DH is as good as his word.

They sound poisonous and vile. If all you say is true your son would be much better off away from them.

As for your husband, if he isn't willing to support his wife and child he doesn't sound like much of a husband at all. I'd be tempted to let your family loose on them, and then cut the lot of them off...DH included.

Thank you all for being here for me. I'm honestly too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this in real life I just can't believe I've let it all go on for so long without doing something about it.

Ah, cross posted.

Fingers crossed that this is a change for the better

You're doing the right thing. They need to learn there are consequences for behaving badly. Treat the mother of their nephew/grandson like shit and they don't get to see the boy. If they do apologise and attempt to make amends, you should listen (though talk to them before letting them see your DS), but they must acknowledge their faults before you do that. And if they never do that, then they don't see you or him. I hope your DH is doing OK - this will be tough for him and I'm sure you'll support him through it.

You have a dh problem.

He needs to man the fuck up and tell his mum and sister to behave or they won’t see him or your dc ever again.

They sound fucking bonkers - sympathy.

You should honestly uninvite all of them to the Christening. What a vile bunch and your DH doesn't sound much better. What a spineless twat he is. I'd uninvite him too for allowing this. There is no way my DH would ever accept his family treating me like this.

I'm so sorry this sounds awful. Your dh now sounds like he may be trying to meet you halfway a bit so that's positive.

I think you need family counselling
From what you
Said earlier DH has a very blind loyalty to them having grown up without a dad . He is probably very fucked up and regardless he could benefit from some help for his own awareness

They are utter cunts but all he knows

And you are within your rights to cut them out . I just think he sounds quite fucked up by them all

It’s horrible when a happy occasion turns to shit . Families hey

But yeah they are cunts from cunt city and you deserve better

I'm so sorry OP... I genuinely hoped this would be resolved by now since you hadn't posted again..

Your DH is such a disappointment.. he has let you and your DS down so badly ... and doesn't even see it..

Stand your ground.. and make him realised the pain you feel every time you have to endure his family ..

You absolutely have a DH problem... but then it sounds as if he has an entire family problem too.

He could benefit from counselling.

Are they still coming to the Christening?

You absolutely need to cut them out permanently - and so does he. It'll destroy your marriage and poison your son's childhood.

He'd like me to try to talk to SIL - I honestly think that if he can still say that with a straight face, after all these years of seeing the way she has treated you, then you need to divorce. I think you need to say that to him - that being that wilfully blind, in order to pretend to himself that it isn't just quite simply the case that his sister is pure evil - isn't neutral, it's also harmful. Deeply harmful - he's throwing you under the bus, your feelings, your experience, by trying to lessen it into 'oooh they've never got on.' Same thing as he did with his friend. Lying - to himself, but in doing that, not having your back. If he doesn't truly have your back now you have a child, then it's divorce. And long may he be happy with two bitches who have, quite happily, destroyed his family harmony for years, just because they can.

His loyalty is very misplaced.

It's great that you have finally snapped. Stay that way.

If they are to be at the Christneing, brief your parents. Tell them there's to be no more contact after this. Get them to guard you, and give them free rein to hiss a warning at either of the cows if they so much as take a step towards you.

Good luck on Sunday, I hope the day does go well and that your ILs do not manage to spoil it all for you.

I really would let your family loose on them to give them a few home truths, they sound like terrible bullies and should be called out as such by whomever it takes.

Op I have been through similar with my DH’s parents, I made the decision for me and DC to go NC with in-laws after a particularly nasty tirade. DH decided to go NC a couple of weeks later (I made it clear that it was his decision but that I had to protect myself and more importantly our DC), it has been six 1/2 years since he went NC. Honestly, it has been the making of our marriage! The only thing we ever argued about was his family and how hateful/ nasty/ abusive they were being to me, to DH and eventually DS.

I wish so much that I had read the following books at the time everything had kicked off; Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Toxic inlaws which is also written by Susan Forward.

These posts also looks helpful;

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-handle-narcissistic-family-members_us_55d24461e4b07addcb43bbeb

families.media/narcissistic-siblings-and-the-pain-you-feel-from-them

narcissismschild.com/2016/01/18/when-your-sibling-is-a-narcissist/

I hope that your DH finds the strength within himself to defend his son and wife and set appropriate boundaries. It will be hard to do especially when he has grown up with Fear, obligation and guilt!