AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

Don't uninvite her. Don't acknowledge her beyond a polite 'Good morning', you'll be sooo busy chatting to all your other guests.
Do put yourself out at the christening to be all sweetness and light to everyone however much you have to force yourself. It bewilders people like her and can be fun!
She sounds jealous, were she and DH very close before he met you? Or was he expected to team up with one of her mates? Does she have a life?
Make sure you and DH and the godparents keep hold of DS so she doesn't get to fuss over him if you can. I honestly think your best approach is to make it clear to everyone that you're having a wonderful day!

do the others and your dp sees how she treats you and acknowledge its wrong?
if so why are they or deff ur dh putting up with it and not protecting and standing up for you.
If you don't invite her you will be the bad one I think.and may cause more fractures in the wider family.
espceically if she is managing to do all this and still not be seen as treating you wrong.this means they will back her up to any behaviour she continues to put on you.so by uninviting her I think a shit storm she would bring.
I feel for you if your on your own in this.is there any family you can keep by you on the day.imagine her not being there.
your the mum.your baby wont be able to learn any behaviour from this day if she comes.but totally agree moving forward ur child should not be with her if shes treating mum like crap.and id tackle this afterwards.

Christ poor you op. I think in this situation I’d have to get her on her own and just try and hash it out. Family’s family unfortunately can not be changed. If you find this still has no change in outcome then I’d be having serious words with DH. She’s his sister therefore his issue to sort. If he does not support you I would feel very sad indeed. for you

Newyear MIL is a thread all of her own. She will talk to me if DH is there, but blank me if I'm on my own. She stole a box of stuff I was giving to charity, stole wine at the wedding, the list goes on. But this thread isn't about her.

It's honestly wrecking our marriage, not that DH seems to see it. I'm normally the most relaxed, friendly and placid person and hate what this situation with his family is making me.

Just leave it, she may decide not to come after your outburst. Uninviting someone is quite unpleasant and you want to avoid that. Just don’t invite her to anything else.

I would still invite her. You’ll be very provocative not to, and awful as she is, she’s your brothers wife. You’ll put him in a terrible position. Don’t exclude. You could say to your brother that you really don’t want drama. That way, if she does, he’ll have to cope.

Try and steer away from any further drama though. Just keep out of her way. If you get crap just deflect back with questions. That makes people think. I wouldn’t chat with her. Ignore!

It sounds like utter jealousy to me.
Has she got the hots for her brother or something. That's what I'm wondering

As you have a large family, could you not recruit some family members or friends to keep her occupied and out of your way at the Christening?

Does she have a DH? Where is he in all this?

Why are you ashamed of your outburst, OP? sounds like it was a long time coming tbh. I agree that your SIL sounds like a complete cunt and has been indulged by everyone - likebyour own dh - which has facilitated and validated her behaviour.

It is 100% NOT OKAY that she has treated you this way. I think you should ban her from coming. If necessary send an email itemising all her vile deeds and copy everyone else in so that she is faced with a list of her transgressions. That's what I'd do - but I'm a lairy mare .

Your dh sounds like a spineless tosser too.

The answer to “that’s just how she is” is “ Well I’m done with it. That’s just how I am”.

They put pressure on you to bend and play nice because they know she is difficult and won’t. Make them accommodate you instead.

God, she sounds like my SIL. And also the fact that the behaviour is accepted as 'that's just how she is'. I would uninvite her, otherwise she will ruin your DS's christening.

DH, my friends, and family all see and comment on how she treats me. It's embarrassing. I shouldn't have had to have people coming up to me at my wedding telling me the stuff she was saying.

But everyone's response seems to be head in the sand because that's easier.

And I'm ashamed of my outburst because GPIL are lovely. I feel awful for shouting at a sweet, innocent little old man who like me just wants his family to get along.

You really need to be have a frank discussion with your DH. What happens when your DS is older? Will she start slagging you off to him as well? Because that would be a pretty shitty thing to do to a child and I'd not want such a poisonous person around him.

... and yes, don't be ashamed. I with I had the guts to tell PIL how it is. We have been NC with SIL for a number of years and whenever we visit, all they talk about is her.

you need to talk to your DH as he is the one who needs to step up and sort it out

You give her this last chance. You tell her that's she's civil and pleasant to you with no snide comments to anyone, or things will change going forward, as you will no longer be prepared to put in any effort at your end. Tell her the ball is in her court as to how much she is involved in the future.
Tell dh that he needs to back you up in this or you will no longer see his family and it's possible your marriage will suffer as a natural consequence.

There is no reasoning with crazy.

You need to completely disengage from her. Let her run her mouth. Let her tantrum. Just be cool and cordial.

She tantrums that you don’t let her see him say cool and perplexed “but we saw you last weekend and will see you in a fortnight. Did you call to set up a time to see him because I must have missed the message.”

Call her bluff on things. Email: “Jane, you said you wanted more time with DS. He is free x, y and z. What works for you?”

Everything else like water off a duck’s back. You don’t need to know her birthday.

Don’t be rude, but cordial. Say hello. Be calm and polite. She’ll look like an arse when she complains. In situations like this, the most calm, collected and cordial side always wins. Plus not engaging will drive her mad that she can’t get a rise out of you.

No, you can’t uninvite her without looking like a total cow yourself.

'that's just how she is' right OK then, blank the lot of them, and then say 'that's just how I am'.
Cunts.

And I'm ashamed of my outburst because GPIL are lovely. I feel awful for shouting at a sweet, innocent little old man who like me just wants his family to get along.

You're really kind, OP. I had the same thing. Elderly FIL crying because his family was broken. But it is HER fault, not yours.

Sounds like she has the whiphand in her family of origin in a big way. I'd make a list of expected behaviours from his family for DH to communicate: calm, polite behaviour, turn taking in conversation and no put downs. Explain that this is their opportunity to make nice and that anybody who can't manage even to pretend to be nice for those few hours will not be seeing any effort from you. Then make a strategy for leaving Christening party early should anybody be horrible. But I agree, unacceptable for her to badmouth you and still think she gets Favourite Auntie privileges.

honestly socially inadequate people that are encouraged in it by their parents really piss me off. I think what Zoe Washburn said is really good advice.

I saw a quote the other day that was something like "Once you realise that a person's behaviour says more about their relationship with themselves than it does about you, you can cease to react at all."

Or do what a MNer's DD did recently, say loudly "did you MEAN to be so rude?" every time she's rude.

And as soon as I've cooled off, I will be apologising to GPIL. They deserved better than that.

Sigh ... I just need to resign myself to having a really shit day out don't I?

She sounds unstable - and jealousy of you may well be a big part of that. I would not withdraw the invitation - be magnanimous and it will make you feel better about dealing with her. Yes it is a pain to have this sort of behaviour going on but rise above it if you can. It won’t be easy but try.

I've even chatted with MIL to see if she can offer any insight into what I'm doing that's so offensive, but she just says 'that's just how SIL is'. DH says the same.

Then the whole world knows what she's like.

This really is where you take the moral high ground, use the much favoured MN head tile, the one reserved for particularly simple people.

When she kicks off , head tile , hand on MIL, PIL, Dh who ever is nearest, not int SILs direction "poor thing, people are looking" and usher them over to deal with her. Outsiders will soon get the message she is somewhat unhinged.

Do not lower yourself to some of the more radical advice like , writing email and copying the world and his dog. That makes you look like a harridan - you are the outsider in this family dynamic.