AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

I really hope that things get resolved. It would be such a shame to have to can all day that should be about your Son because of her. I think if it goes ahead you need to be prepared for her to pull her usual tricks and have all your family and friends on side ready to pull her up on it and shame her for it.
If everyone pulls her up on it she will hopefully get the hint and stop bitching. Along the lines of “SIL what IS your problem, why are you always so mean about Cashew?”, “that’s really disgusting to talk about Cashew like that, I don’t want to hear your nastiness anymore”, “I don’t know why Cashew invites you to things like this whenever you’re always so mean to her?” Or “It’s such a shame you think that of Cashew, doesn’t look like you’ll ever get asked to babysit DN when you say such nasty things about his Mum”.
Get them to give a very direct comeback then not engage any further so it doesn’t end up in an argument. She needs a light shining on her bad behaviour, see how she likes their view of her.

Stay strong and deny her any contact with DS until she can be nicer to you!

Your partner should be standing up for you.
Just because people are 'family' doesnt meant you have to have them in your life.
Infact some people use being 'family' as an excuse to act the way they want treating people like crap because they think they can get away with it. (Your sil being one of them)
You dont have to have her in your life, You really dont, You dont have to have ANYONE in your life who treats you like crap.
Lifes too short to have to put up with all that.
Your partner needs to grow some balls.

Thank you all for your support. I really did think you'd all tell me I was being totally unreasonable and needed to get over it I guess that's what years of conditioning does to you!

I told DH that it was down to him, either we could return the gift to his sister, or I'd donate it to charity. I'm sure it'll still be sitting here come Friday, so I'll be sending it to the charity shop. Again, he didn't really want to talk about it. But I don't care anymore. If he wants to be her doormat, he can be. I'll stand up for myself and DS if he won't do it for us.

I just feel like a weight has physically lifted already. I don't HAVE to care anymore.

Just a bit of a non existent update really.

Relationship with SIL is still the same. She's made no attempt at contact since sending DS a gift. I've done the same. Reminded DH today about how it's four weeks away, and nothings been sorted. He then declared angrily 'he was talking about this yesterday' with a work friend about how we don't get along. Which has really pissed me off to be honest, so he'd rather just bitch about me and the situation rather than channeling that energy into sorting this all out. From what I can gather, after I pried a bit, he's been saying I'm the issue because I don't just ignore her behaviour and I'm unwilling to do so.

All I asked, was if he's arranged for us all to meet up (seeing as she won't talk to me, text me or anything), or if she wouldn't be attending. It was said perfectly nicely, I was hardly being arsey about it.

It's just shit. All my family and friends have told me how much they're aren't looking forward to the day because of how his family behaves and how tense relations are. I'm gutted. I really am. Having DS becoming a member of the church is hugely important to me, but I'm really wondering what the point is if no one actually wants to be there.

I'm the issue because I don't just ignore her behaviour.

OP, I had this with my SIL. She behaved appallingly but I was the problem apparently because I didn't just ignore the behaviour.

What do you want to happen, OP? Do you want SIL to apologise? That sounds unlikely.

I would uninvited SIL from the Christening and have someone on standby to ensure she doesn't enter the church and venue.

This is SIL's fault, this is DH's fault, this is MIL's fault and this is GPIL's fault.

Go NC with the lot of them.

except DH

Deal with him by telling him SIL is uninvited and you are going NC with his family.

IHate this is not your problem to sort out. You literally cannot change a single one of these people, you can however change yourself. Just completely tune SIL and MIL out. Pretend they do not exist. They are the problem, you absolutely know that, you do not have to be the one with the solution. Whether they come to the christening or not is not really relevant just come up with a longer term strategy about how you deal with them.

From what I can gather, after I pried a bit, he's been saying I'm the issue because I don't just ignore her behaviour and I'm unwilling to do so

Leave. If he is utterly unwilling to listen to how you feel, dismisses your feelings and concerns, will not speak up to stop his awful mother and sister from treating you like shit, and won’t consider anyone but himself and “his family” (doesn’t he know you and DS are his family?) it will never change.

He sounds spineless, lazy, selfish and honestly? As bad as the family he came from. You and your DS deserve better.

I would uninvited SIL from the Christening and have someone on standby to ensure she doesn't enter the church and venue

Venue, yes, sadly you can not prevent anyone from entering a place of worship. Most of the time it’s in the actual title deeds of the church building.

About 25 years ago I had a strained conversation with my DH. I had had more than enough of his DB and PoisonousSIL. It kind of went like this:

Me: Right. I've had enough of it. You have 2 choices: keep telling me I am being unreasonable for not enjoying being belittled and bullied - in which case you can move in with your DB, right now, or you can actually think about what is happening and make a much better choice

.....

Him, eventually: Oops! Sorry!

And we have been LC ever since, NC for the last 17 years, barring 2 enforced occasions!

OK. the ... does denote a lot of sulking, some shouting and more arguing. But I just kept on repeating the very basic, "You can live with them or you can live with me - your choice"

It turned out he had spent his whole lie being made to feel responsible for his DB. So I was fighting against decades of socialisation, all of that fear, obligation and guilt!

He is far happier nowadays! It was, for us, well worth the prolonged arguments and gritted teeth discussions!

In your shoes I’d be tempted to cancel the whole thing and have a very small christening, just you, your dc and godparents. I’m sure your family will understand and you could always have a get together for them outside of the christening. Tell your dh he can do the same for his family but you won’t arrange or attend.

I’d also think very carefullt about your relationship with your dh. I’m fuming on your behalf that he’s said it’s your fault as you won’t ignore them. He’s really not in your corner or supporting/protecting you from these vile people. What happens if you really needed his support about something hugely important? I’d have my doubts about his loyalty to his family ie you and dc

Can you not sit down and have a talk with her and find out what the problem is?

Kez - she won't engage with me at all. She doesn't reply to texts or phone calls, and only talks to my face to be spiteful basically. As much as I do want to just discuss whatever her problem is, she won't talk to me no matter how hard I have tried in the past.

Blue dog I'm seriously considering cancelling and just having a small service. But DH won't agree it,

Posted too soon!

And I feel quite guilty about relatives traveling a distance cancelling accommodation though I guess we could just keep the hall and have a party for them.

As for DH I just don't know any more. But I'm sick of taking the blame for her crap and her issues. I'm not standing for it. Blaming me for disputes in front of mutual friends is NOT on. Will be having words when we get home though I did pull him up on it in front of them.

I'd send her a tx, email, wapsap, facebook message telling her the same thing, she is not welcome at your sons Christening. Your husband is a wet biscuit, what kind of man let's his partner get treated like that by his sister.

He'd rather upset you than upset her. Which is a kick in the nuts. You deserve more

Well, you could always point out to him that your family and friends have not retaliated to her behaviour, because you asked them not to, but you’re now going to tell them that the gloves are off. It’s now up to him to either get his sister to behave or not attend, otherwise she will find she is going to be on the receiving end of some home truths. Let’s see how the spineless prat feels about letting his sister get a taste of her own medicine.

Take control OP uninvited her yourself and to hell with what your DH thinks, if he isn’t willing to stand up for you then u need to do it yourself. Once ur in control of the situation ull feel better.

To be honest OP, your own family and friends don’t sound that helpful or supportive - upsetting you on your wedding day by running and telling you the things she’s been saying about you, complaining they’re not looking forward to the christening in case she kicks off

Do you have any support?

Well. The week of the christening is here. I've only been reduced to tears seven or eight times. Combination of SIL/MIL/DH and SMIL. They're all just stirring it up, saying various shit in attempt to wind each other (and me) up.

Came to a head a couple of days ago. SIL and MIL said 'DS isn't worth it' with regards to visiting. I blew up. Told DH in no uncertain terms that after the christening there's no need for contact. If he's such a waste of time, they won't mind being relieved of the obligation of visiting him or us visiting them. DH doesn't seem willing to discuss it.

We had a fucking awful visit a couple of weeks ago. MIL just ignored me, and insulted DS repeatedly. Calling him overweight, same weight as 2 year old other GC, just going on about things her other GC was doing and how 'slow' and bald DS is do not a single nice thing to say. I may be over sensitive, but it came across as really mean.

Anyway, DS is having severe separation anxiety. Handed to anyone other than me, occasionally happy with DH or DM, he's inconsolable. And for the sake of an easy day, I'd rather he was happy.

SMIL has told SIL that I'm not letting anyone else hold DS. She's just called DH to shout at him, and in turn he's shouted at me. I haven't discussed the 'handling' of DS with anyone. So this is just complete bullshit from SMIL trying to wind everyone else up. They've been playing at this for weeks. Just making shit up to annoy each other.

I just feel pushed to my limit. I honestly think everything would be easier and they'd be so much happier if I wasn't here. I'm really starting to think it's best for everyone if I just go away.

And I'm sorry I'm even still posting about this. I'm embarrassing. As much as this paints DH in an awful light, I do love him. And I'm convinced he's going to leave me if this continues. I honestly think he'd chose his family over me and DS.

Couldn’t read and run, but don’t for a second think you’re to blame in any of this.

They’re clearly total dicks and your DH is totally stuck in the middle. He should, however, be supporting you. YOU and your DC are his family now and that should trump his family.

If I were you I’d make sure everyone else that’s going knows that something’s likely to kick off so you have plenty of support from others. Then never, ever have anything to do with them again. If they want to have a relationship with your DS then your DH will just have to deal with it.

Good luck...

Seriously, text your sil that at no point have you mentioned ‘handling’ of your ds. Text the smil and tell her she’s a fucking liar.

Speak to dh and tell him you’re going nc after the christening. Fuck the lot of them, they’re batshit.

I think you and DS are best without them, as talking like that in front of him as he grows will cause him issues :( If DH isn't on board, tell him he has a choice to make