AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

I agree with Lizzie . I would be firm and gentle with him if that makes sense . He needs to see sense and it will be a painful process I would imagine

The final update before tomorrow ... so it should be quite a nice day.

SIL has decided she'd rather go to a festival than attend the christening. She told DH today. I'd normally say how rude it is, but I'm honestly beyond delighted I won't need to put up with her shit stirring all day!

It's nice to have a positive update for a change!

I so glad OP.

I hope DH sticks to the plan of you and DS having no contact with SIL.

Of course he loves his sister though she must make it very difficult to but he should love his family more. He can chose what he's willing to put up with and so can you.

Many men can be pathetic with sticking up for their partner with their family and it takes something extreme the family does or the chance of divorce to move them to act.

I'm surprised he wasn't angry at MIL and SILs comments about your DS - that's his infant boy they are dissing.

His family seem to have a similar thing my ILs have where they can be incredibly nasty and abusive then days later act normal. It's bizarre but my DH too just thinks it's normal.

Good luck for tomorrow OP. Remember it's not about any of those shot stains it's about your little boy being born into the Church and celebrating with those who love him. If people can't respect that - whoever they are - don't you be upset by it, ignore their disgusting vitriol and be thankful for the lovely people he will have in his life.

IHateToCashew positive update. Have a lovely day tomorrow

Hope you have a great time tomorrow. Remember, they’re in your manor. You’re in the driving seat. If they try to say anything out of order smile, don’t respond and turn your back on them. Good luck.

Fingers crossed she’s not winding you up and still planning to come

Well, overall a pretty crap day. I've committed a series of 'offences'.

DS spent the entire service screaming his heart out with tears streaming down his face, just you know, tired, hot, hungry ... the vicar insisted on making everyone pose for photos after I'd spend the entire service trying to calm him down and get him to drop off to sleep and asked me repeatedly if it would be better if he held him for the pictures. Erm, no. You holding him is not going to make him any less tired or hungry! So I was 'rude' to the vicar, and allowing my parents to monopolise him because my DM passed us and I asked her to hold him while I ran to sort his bottle out.

SMIL grabbed him out my arms for a cuddle. I eventually manage to wrangle him back. MIL and SIL who was bloody there are now complaining that they didn't get to hold him no one held him. He spent the entire time after the snatching strapped to me in his carrier. DH is pissed at me for not passing my sobbing son to her. He's got severe separation anxiety at the moment, teething badly, fed up of the heat and doesn't enjoy being passed around like a toy.

So no one is impressed with how DS or I have behaved, the icing on the cake was when I sent him home with DM and DF to go sleep in his cot at their house. He was all smiles as soon as he got in his car seat, so he clearly didn't want to be there either.

Thanks to his excessive screaming I have no idea how anyone else behaved spent the entire time trying to calm him down. He's such a good boy, saving me from hearing any of their bullshit.

Blimey, OP. I hope while you were at the church you were granted a sainthood because how you didn't hold your DH/SIL/MIL/all three down in the font until the bubbles stopped escapes me.

Your DH has absolutely no right to criticise you anyway but, when he's already on thin ice because of his repeated failure to support you, he's got a fucking cheek, frankly. Accusing you of 'offences' and making you feel bad about your 'behaviour' is just controlling arsehole territory.

Still, at least the Christening is now over. You made it through!

Your husband is a sap. He promised change to you but when Mummy says something he does it.

I'd honestly say it's divorce time.

Poor DS.

Maybe if they were not so nasty you'd want DS to go to them and he would feel less tension so want to go to them himself.

Sympathy with you OP.

Your H really does have a nasty side

I don't disagree. But at least today is over, and I can start thinking about what's best for us as a family

I’m so sorry Cashew but he’s an absolute cunt. He’s just proved that you and DS are at the bottom of his list of priorities. He won’t even put you both above himself.

I’m so sorry

Poor ds! Hope he’s recovered from his big day. Your dh is acting like a twat, I think you know this. His stepmum and sister need to be told, big time. They are cunts.

DS is fast asleep, hopefully he'll forget all about it and tomorrow will be a better day. He's such a smiley child. It honestly broke my heart to see him in such a state earlier.

Thank you all for getting me through today. I honestly couldn't have managed it alone. I've opened up to my friends and family a lot more too now, I don't think they really realised the extent as to how much it was getting me down, and are being so supportive now.

How is your partner being with you now?

Honestly? Fine.

It's like he only behaves this way around certain members of his family. It's what makes it so hard, because otherwise he's a fantastic dad and a wonderful husband. He really is. It's like he totally changes when he comes into contact with them.

I will say, I'm not going to pretend I've been perfectly behaved today. Having a baby screaming in your face for hours on end is stressful, I highly doubt it's bought out the best in me.

I think you should tell him that his behaviour and attitude towards you when it comes to his toxic family is seriously making you rethink yoyr marriage. Hopefully it would shock him into doing to right bloody thing.

close the door on the lovely..

Don’t worry about your behaviour - if nothing else you were severely antagonised