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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

245 replies

IHateToCashew · 08/04/2018 11:59

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red Blush I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 08/04/2018 13:02

Just a suggestion for the christening itself, I know someone who had a similar situation for their upcoming wedding. My friend didn't feel she could say anything to the difficult member of her husband's family for fear of causing upsets and long term relationship problems. However, her sibling had no long term relationship with them to worry about and was quite happy to run interference, including explaining to the difficult family member quite categorically how nasty and unpleasant they were showing themselves to be.

Since they loved being the centre of attention and liked to think that everyone adored them, they wound their neck in pretty quickly. Sibling will do the same at any future christenings etc too if necessary.

Do you perhaps have a close family member or friend who could step up.

nursy1 · 08/04/2018 13:02

I have a sil I don’t get on with. The rest of the family say, “ oh yes she is a bully and hard to deal with” In my own family it would not have been tolerated but she was co- dependant alcoholic with my fail and the rest of the family had a pattern of just being subjugated by them which they expected me to join in with. The snapping point for me was we were at a family meal out where she was absolutely pissed and behaving obnoxiously. Everyone else smoothing it over and ignoring it. Eventually she fell over into another table on her way back from the loo. Mil says “ oh dear, I think sil is a bit tipsy”. I said “ she is not tipsy, she is pissed out of her head, I’m calling her a taxi and she should wait outside” still angry when I remember my DH just remained quiet instead of backing me up. He totally agreed with assessment but could not summon the courage at that stage to break the habits of a lifetime.
Him not speaking up doesnt mean your DH does not love and support you op. It’s just this is a really hard thing for him and will take time for him to unravel.
I agree with other posters who have said make your stand. A long deep chat with him but don’t expect too much at first. He has to view it through your eyes a few times before he can change his perspective. Same goes for the family too.

nursy1 · 08/04/2018 13:03

Also Angels solution ^^
Wish I’d thought of that

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2018 13:03

I think you might find that things change now that you've finally stood up for yourself. It's something that as women we find very difficult as we're so often told that we should 'rise above it' or 'keep the moral high ground'. But no one should have to put up with being treated the way your SIL has treated you, and your MIL too by all accounts.

I would suggest that you lay down the law with your DH, tell him that if his sister treats you like dirt again, his family won't get to see your DS again.

GreenTulips · 08/04/2018 13:03

He is at fault

At his wedding he should've told her to shut her mouth as she was spiking the day - or thrown her out

Same when she has the baby - he should say 'if you can tell treat my wife nicely' etc

Do speak to the GPIL and apologies and say just that 'it's 7 years of emotion spilling out!'

Probably think this is PND rather than you being serious about what you said

kateandme · 08/04/2018 13:05

no don't start off before the day thinking it will be crap.now your mood is automatically there!go with the mind that she is one person.out of all the lovely people there.all the people siling wanting this day to be good.why shoud she steal that from you.
its on her not you.and should you take on her feeling of shitness that letting her win.
I do think you need to let urself break down to dh and be really honest.let him now how awful this is making you feel.if al he is seeing is ur angry or outburst reactions instead of the inner turmoil he wont no how its got to you.
tell him its breaking you down!
on the day go out there and just be around the people that make you feel good.but please don't start it like this.uve already had a shit day before its even here...
I think its nice you want to apologise to gpil.i think they woul appreciate it.not so much as in ur in thw wrong but more that you love them and don't want to ever tak it out on you or make any bad blood between people you adore as u do them

getmyshittogether · 08/04/2018 13:09

To be honest I would uninvite my DH if he was spineless as your appears to be.

How can you put up with this?

Fatandfrigid · 08/04/2018 13:12

I don’t think your SIL is the real problem here

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2018 13:14

I would leave over this. But none of this is his fault either.

Um. Yes it is. He's not backing you up.

Zoe's advice for the day is good. It may be horrendous anyway. But if it is, make sure you make very clear to your DH and his family that it is the last time and you're done. She will never be invited to anything again and if they have a problem they needn't come either. And explain very clearly (in a letter if necessary) why.

FreshStartToday · 08/04/2018 13:14

She, and your feelings towards her, will be a focus on the day whether or not you uninvited her. Your in laws will be talking about her and it may be more dispruptive to uninvited her (although could be very liberating for you, if your husband were onside).

I would be tempted to take the moral high ground. You have made it very clear now how you feel. What you said cannot (and does not need to) be unsaid. However, you can let her come and be calm, and confident now. If she kicks off or creates trouble, then you can turn away to your friends and family and let your dh deal with her, or as Angel suggested, have someone ready to intervene who you can trust. This can and should be a happy day for you. She can be welcome to join if she can behave. If not, she should take a backseat and let others get on with celebrating a happy event, with you, as the mother at the centre.

You have put up with this for 7 years. No more. You have given your sil every chance. Now it is time for your dh to back you and for the two of you to build a happy home for your baby. Let this Christening be a new start for you, as well as for your baby.

flowerslemonade · 08/04/2018 13:14

Why are you seeing this beast every other weekend....

Uninvite her.

I wouldn't usually say this but it's your and your husbands day. Who cares what the family things, what light it puts you in - whatever. None of that is as important as not having her there shit stirring. And someone needs to put their foot down. She gets away with it because no one challenges it.

winterisstillcoming · 08/04/2018 13:18

Or, try this:

Send her a text saying 'I'm not sure if you are still coming to the christening but if you do can you please behave nicely and not embarrassing yourself by making nasty comments about me to others. I do know everything that you say by the way, most people are too nice to call you up on it but they do tell me as they think you can be quite horrible.
If you don't behave yourself I will quite publicly ask you to leave. '

Then see if she comes.

SusanneLinder · 08/04/2018 13:19

I would state to your DH that either he grows a pair or he sees your SIL on his own. You do NOT have to put up with her behaviour. You cant uninvite her to the Christening, but make it clear to your DH that this is your sons day, and if she puts one toe out of line, you will be asking her to leave immediately.
I would also be setting out my stall with my SIL, and get her told that she doesnt have to like you, but she can be civil. If she cant do that, then she can fuck off and dont expect to play "auntie".
I have a poisonous BIL and SIL. We went NC, 6 years ago. Its great. I do miss my nephews though.

Juells · 08/04/2018 13:22

I'm wondering if you say I do know everything that you say by the way, most people are too nice to call you up on it but they do tell me as they think you can be quite horrible. whether it might backfire? It would give her a weapon to use against you, say horrible things and have them repeated to you.

Why are people telling you, anyway? They should confront her not upset you.

AnnaMagnani · 08/04/2018 13:26

Honestly couples counselling sounds like a good idea.

There is a flaw in his whole family that the sister is allowed to behave as she pleases and no-one criticizes her.

If you do apologise to GPILs I would make it clear to them that you are genuinely sorry to have upset them but you are no longer tolerating SIL's behaviour and if she continues to behave like a shit, you will be reacting every single time. Even if it causes a scene.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/04/2018 13:26

But none of this is his fault either

it is entirely his fault OP. fair enough when he was single if he choose to ignore is dsis behaviour, but it is very poor to expect your dw and eventually child to have to deal with it while you still do nothing. Very unattractive.

It is his family, it is becoming a major problem and he should be putting on his big boy pants and dealing with it.

KarmaStar · 08/04/2018 13:27

She sounds like a spoilt,jealous,spiteful little sil and I would make it very clear to pil etc exactly why you want nc with sil and why you will be telling her she is not welcome at your christening.(I guess from your outburst and her behaviour that they already know though).
If she turns up totally ignore her .
If she starts on hopefully she will be escorted out.
As you said she has ruined so many important events in your life don't let her ruin any more.
Have a lovely dayFlowers

GladAllOver · 08/04/2018 13:27

The Christening is an open event in a church. It involves the parents, godparents, the priest and God. Anyone else can attend if they wish. It's not a naming process - that happened when you registered the birth. It's a religious activity to welcome a child into the church community.

The event you are organising afterwards is not any part of the Christening. It is a private party, and you are free to invite or exclude anyone you wish, for any reason or none.

Shizzlestix · 08/04/2018 13:27

It is your dh’s fault because he’s refusing to stand up for you. Who is more important to him? He needs to speak to her and find out the problem (she’s a jealous nasty bitch and a fucking bully). He needs to speak to her before the christening and tell her HE will ask her to leave, not you.

Stop bloody going round there, it’s like you’re accepting and inviting her sneery shitty behaviour by agreeing to go round constantly.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/04/2018 13:30

I love that winterisstillcoming. Unfortunately it might backfire, although it is very tempting to do this.

disappearingninepatch · 08/04/2018 13:31

I would leave over this.

Then you need to tell him this. Clearly and calmly.

MadMags · 08/04/2018 13:34

It's odd how they're all lovely, yet continually pick up for her. I wonder what their motivation is...

I agree with making yourself more unbearable than her, tbh. And with counselling.

However, "did you mean to be so rude?" Is the shittest, most cringe-worthy 'comeback' ever trotted out on here, although "are you on glue?" Gives it a run for its money! Just no.

Cherrypieface123 · 08/04/2018 13:36

Your DH has chosen his sister over you.

TheScottishPlay · 08/04/2018 13:37

My SIL is a bit like this too, created by PILs. They speak incessently about her and her very mundane family to us. She and they show no interest in DS, DH (their son, her brother) whatsoever. Tbh I just grin and bear it and think of them all as poor souls.
They've missed out on getting to know our lovely, talented and kind DS and he and I see very, very little of them now. DH feels family obligation and is more attached than us obviously.
Live a lovely life with your family. See her and them when you have to. As difficult to get out of events dwindle you'll see less and less of them. It gets a bit easier.

Sammy901 · 08/04/2018 13:38

Uninvited her. I would.

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