AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

[IHateToCashew]

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

I think she's a cunt with a long history of cunt behaviour and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Tell your DH this and tell him to deal with his sister.

I think this^^ more or less sums it up! Yanbu.

Fwiw I have a (much less extreme, but annoying all the same) SIL problem too. Mine also dislikes me and always has for some reason. We’ve known each other since we were in our very early twenties. Over a decade later and she still dislikes me. She is much better at hiding it than your sil though. It occasionally spills out though. I wish I’d lost it a little bit years ago, as you did. At least it’s in the open now.

I have to politely decline any attempts at contact with SIL or her husband now. It just isn’t worth it, as I feel horrible in their company - it just isn’t nice spending time with someone who you know doesn’t like you. There comes a point where it just doesn’t matter that she’s related to my dh. It’s not worth the effort sadly. I just let dh do the visits on his own or with dc1.

" say loudly "did you MEAN to be so rude?" every time she's rude."

ah yes the killer comeback of MN...:)
Obviousl she meant to be so rude, she is a rude cunt.

Zoe’s advice is excellent.

Disengage from her completely, don't talk to her, if she speaks nastily to you....physically turn your back on her! Tell your DH exactly what you're going to do first, and don't let him bully you into changing your mind!
She's not going to change and you don't need her in your life!

You have a big DH problem and I would strongly suggest booking couples therapy to discuss why he thinks it's ok that he condones his family treating you like sh*t.

I’d be telling DH that if any shit goes down at Chritening you and child are done with the lot of them. He can see them on his own if he wants to, but I bet without you and child there to use as shield he is not so keen to spend time with them. If you’re not there someone else (him) becomes a target for their bullying.

Look up scapegoat / golden child family dynamics and I bet a lot of it plays out. He wants their love and will do anything to avoid rocking boat, and she gets away with terrible behaviour.

I'd let her come to the christening but blank her. All effort to engage with her would end now.

I got very tough with my PiL, having been walked over again and again, and MiL giving me the smug eye every time she'd win a pointless standoff, with my ex her DH running around getting her cups of tea to calm her down. I eventually refused to have them staying with us when children were little* and they used to have to hire a caravan which was parked in my drive. Fuck 'em, I've never regretted it.

*to do with stand-off over huge gladstone bag full of medication left on floor of bedroom, with door open, and refusal to put the bag on top of wardrobe as she wouldn't be able to reach it easily.

I think your DH needs to step up here. Tell him you're not bowing to her shitty behaviour and to tell her to behave accordingly or she'll be told to leave this it other occasions as you're all sick of her

Apologise to GOIL but be firm that it's the SIL issues and MIL partly and you're sick of it but you really like them as they have the same agenda as you

People like SIL and your MIL Usually don't have enough to do and make trouble in my opinion

I don’t know if this is sensible advice re people like your husband who don’t like to rock the boat but basically you’ve got to make yourself the person that is by far the most unbearable to upset.

So your ILs kick off, you kick off more, they try and use your baby as a stick to beat you with, take the baby and stay at your family’s for a few days until he’s desperate for you to come home. Take back the power.

You can’t really rise above people like you’ve described but you can show your husband the reality of his lack of loyalty to you.

You’re right that you can’t let your child see their mum disrespected by family.

If he doesn’t step up soon the damage that the resentment this will cause will be to great to overcome.

...basically you’ve got to make yourself the person that is by far the most unbearable to upset.

That's really good advice. Wish I'd have thought of that years ago.

YY to everything that Zoe said. If you uninvite her then you will lose the PR battle.

You need to rise above - but you also need to make it very, very clear to your DH that he has to step up for you and DS now. You will lose all respect for him and it will ultimately kill your marriage. He needs to understand how high the stakes are.

I agree with the poster who said to make the most of truth telling more. I would bring them altogether before the christening and clearly state that on that day if they can’t remain civil that the future relationship with you and your DC will be severely affected. If the day goes ahead and all is good, I’d use that as a mark in the sand to build on.

I am loving DullAndOld's advice today .

You've all given me some fantastic advice and a lot to think about

I think couples counselling may be an idea. I've just tried to speak about it with him again and he's sort of just gone 'right' as per usual so fuck all will actually change.

I would leave over this. But none of this is his fault either.

No no no, you don't need to have a shit day.
In future if she attempts to speak badly about you to your friends or family give them a line to use something simple like "I will not listen anymore to you criticising cashew so please change the subject" they say this each and every time and engage no further, walking away if she keeps going.
If she is rude to you get up and leave or go into a different room if that's not possible.
If she's rude in front of your son about or to you, remove him and say you will not allow him to grow up thinking it's ok to bully other people. Stay calm and polite at all times.
Don't be alone with her or mil ever. You can't change them but you can change how you react to them and how you spend time in their company.

They're both taking up too much head space for you, you should be enjoying been a new mum and looking forward to the christening.
you need to step back, tell your dh you will no longer expose yourself to their nasty treatment of you and you need his support to ensue it doesn't happen in future.

Don’t your friend or family ever call her out on it when she’s slagging you off at events? Could you prepare them in advance that she’s likely to bitch about you and suggest for them to pull her up on it! Using the ‘did you mean to be so rude’ line?

I sometimes think dignity is overrated, certainly in bullying situations and long years of experience have told me its best to get the confrontation and assertiveness out of the way early doors. My in laws were like this and it went on for years, not quite as overt, just a bit sneery and behind the back face pulling, general coldness etc. Only when I suddenly started shouting back every single time someone upset me did it stop. I just wish I had done it sooner.

You’ll be very provocative not to...You’ll put him in a terrible position.

This is bobbins. All the SIL's behaviour over the past seven years has been provocative. And the DH is in 'a terrible position' (diddums!) because he will not grow up and deal with the situation.

But none of this is his fault either.
Sorry, OP, but it kind of is.

why thank you kindly MythicalChicken

Honestly I don't know how people think they can get away with this shizz...

Your DH needs to back you up whatever the decision you make. If it were me, I’d not invite her and make it clear the reasons why.

If DH isn’t willing to back you up, then I’d have to seriously discuss it with him about the future of the relationship.

but basically you’ve got to make yourself the person that is by far the most unbearable to upset.

A great rule to live by imvho.

He is the one letting you be treated like this unchallenged, no one else!!!

But none of this is his fault either

I wouldn't be so quick to absolve him of his responsibility. It sounds like he should have dealt with this issue years ago, rather than allow it to get to this point.

"did you mean to be so rude?" Is a rubbish come back that relies on the other person just having an off day and being willing to accept being publicly shamed. Surely most people would reply "Yes I did! Now what?"

The best advice I ever got was from my late FIL 'be nice to the people who are nice to you and be even nicer to the ones who are nasty to you' worked for me numerous times really confuses the hell out of them!!