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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that it’s either all of us or only 2

174 replies

Emerencealwayshopeful · 07/04/2018 13:40

FIL is planning a party for his 70th in July. BIL who lives OS is flying in. SIL and her DH and kids live in the same city at PIL so will obviously all be there. Issue is our family.

It’s a 7 hour drive up there, so if we go we’ve generally stayed at least 4 days before heading back. DH and I have 4 children, eldest turns 12 the following week so they’ll be 6, 8, 10 and about to be 12.

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

I’m currently holding out. Either I can be there and all 6 of us go up, or I can’t and DH flies up with 1 child. His family is refusing to outright say that I’m unreasonable and that I’m spoiling the party by insisting that these are the only 2 options on the table, but it’s clear from what communication there has been that they think I should be happy for DH to take all 4 kids and for me to ‘enjoy the peace’.

Further info: DH and I are not particularly close at the moment though neither of us intends to seperate - we both have reasons to stay together that are good, not great, involve children/are nothing to do with kids. FIL has never really liked me/approved of me and likes to tell my children things to undermine me whenever he’s alone with them. If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating. I don’t want this, and especially want if possible to avoid causing undue anxiety for my children about the shape of our family changing.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I’m not. I can’t tell anymore so am asking for thoughts.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 07/04/2018 13:50

If our family was in this situation none of us would go if arrangements excluded one of the family due to a physical disability.

I would be hurt if excluded and expect my partner to be put out as well.

That said, I don't understand the rationale for your dp attending with one dc. If your dp thinks it is ok to go without you then I suppose he has as much right to take the dc with him as you have to ask them to stay. Your relationship sounds difficult tbh.

Glug44 · 07/04/2018 13:54

In my family it’s all of us or none of us. That your DH wants to go anyway suggests your relationship might be past saving anyway - mean this in the kindest way. Stop wasting your time with him life’s too short.

BrieAndChilli · 07/04/2018 13:56

I don’t get why it’s only 1 child if you can’t go rather than none or all?? Can you explain that bit? Can you all fly and just stay for 1 night rather than the 4??

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 14:00

I don't understand why he would take one child, that makes no sense. If I were you I would be saying that either we all go or DH goes by himself.

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 14:05

Who is saying you can’t be there?

Have they outright told you that the venue for the party is not wheelchair accessible?

GabriellaMontez · 07/04/2018 14:05

Yanbu to expect all parts of this family event to be wheelchair accessible.

All or none for us.

greenlynx · 07/04/2018 14:08

All or none

AjasLipstick · 07/04/2018 14:09

Glugg that's crap.

There's nothing wrong with families taking a break away from one another now and then.

OP...what is the reason you don't want your DH to take all of the kids?

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 14:10

Its in the OP why, if you care to read it.

Glug44 · 07/04/2018 14:12

@ajas - read the OP Hmm

incywincybitofa · 07/04/2018 14:18

Am I reading this right not all of the 4 children are your DHs?
I think it will be a very busy time socially for your FIL and he probably wont have time to sit your kids down and undermine you as he will be busy with other visitors and his do, and others will be busy trying to get his attention.
I also wonder I don't think it matters what the community think, what matters is what your children think about the shape of your family and that is down to what you and your DH tell them.
That said almost all party venues are now accessible to the disabled, not all homes are but does that mean you have to go to everything or nothing as a family or as an individual?

Knittedfairies · 07/04/2018 14:18

I’m with Gabriella - and all or none.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 14:20

If you and DH’s relationship was all good and well, I would say that it should be all of you or none of you. But as things are not... I think it should be him going alone.

I don’t think, however, that him going on his own will help. What makes the venue inaccessible for wheelchair users? Can it be sorted easily?

Ironmanrocks · 07/04/2018 14:20

I would find out the venue and call and ask them. Most places have to be wheelchair accessible or at least have things in place to help such as ramps/toilets etc. We live in a rural area and have a friend who is is wheelchair bound. Even the olde worldy pub realise it is difficult with their gazillions of steps, and so provide ramps and have even helped to carry the person down steep steps in the wheelchair. Nothing is impossible. I would speak to the venue and sort it out yourself, going together as a strong force. Like others have said, all or nothing really. Good luck.x

Inertia · 07/04/2018 14:21

I don’t understand why just one child would go, rather than none?

In our family it would either be all go or none, but I guess DH going alone would be an option.

Bloody horrible of your FIL to deliberately exclude you by insisting on going somewhere not wheelchair accessible.

Butteredparsn1ps · 07/04/2018 14:22

I’m more equivocal about this. It’s pretty rubbish that the party is not being held in a wheelchair accessible venue. PIL could easily do the right thing here, and the fact the they didn’t speaks volumes.

OTOH I don’t think you have the right to ban DH from attending his Father’s Birthday celebrations. If your relationship is in the doldrums, he needs people in his corner too and should be able to access family support.

tenterden · 07/04/2018 14:22

Yeah I totally understand that if the venue isn't accessible to you then you wouldn't go. I have been a wheelchair user in the past and it surely wouldn't be impossible for them to arrange a venue that suited.

However, I don't understand why DH gets to take any of the DC? Why just one? Which one draws the short straw?

Surely DH goes on his own?

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 14:25

In our setup, none of us would be going. We're a package deal.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 14:26

Would you be unable to manage without your DH and the DC WHILE they're gone?

If it was me and I could manage.... then I'd be happy to let them all go especially as your marriage isn't great at the moment.

It doesn't matter if others think you're separating ..because you aren't.

I woudnt want the rest of the family to miss out because of me.

Butteredparsn1ps · 07/04/2018 14:28

Re reading the OP - is it that you could probably attend the main event, presumably at a WC accessible public event, but couldn’t go to additional gatherings in people’s homes?

In that case, could you all go for the 4 days and attend the part together, but skip any extra get togethers and go out with your own DC instead?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/04/2018 14:31

Honestly, I would send DH with all the kids and have some peace. Why on earth would that make people think you’re splitting up?

Either that or you all go and the family helps you access difficult places.

catinapoolofsunshine · 07/04/2018 14:31

I agree with the people saying it should be accessible to you all, and if not nobody goes or DH alone.

Also think saying one child can go with DH is blurring the logic.

I do understand what you are saying about not wanting your children picking up the idea you are separating. Family saying this in their hearing will upset and scare them no matter what you parents have said. That's another reason for no children to go, not one child to have to handle hearing something without siblings there.

Thistlebelle · 07/04/2018 14:34

Goodness me, I don’t always see completely eye to eye with my PILs but I know without a single doubt that in your circumstances they would go out of their way to ensure that I could participate fully.

It’s extremely poor of them not to assure accessibility for you. You shouldn’t have to ask.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/04/2018 14:35

I can see why your H would want to go - it's his father's birthday, after all. But why would you only want him to take one of the DC - do you need the older ones to help you when your H is not there, or is there one DC who is not yours?

If it's a case of there being one family house you can't access (as PP have said, all public venues these days have to make reasonable adjustment for a wheelchair user whether that's a ramp they can put down or extra staff to carry the chair) , could you and one or more DC skip that event and go somewhere nice locally?

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 14:37

Do the family not see eye to eye with you? do they not want you to go? you say they speak about you behind your back.