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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that it’s either all of us or only 2

174 replies

Emerencealwayshopeful · 07/04/2018 13:40

FIL is planning a party for his 70th in July. BIL who lives OS is flying in. SIL and her DH and kids live in the same city at PIL so will obviously all be there. Issue is our family.

It’s a 7 hour drive up there, so if we go we’ve generally stayed at least 4 days before heading back. DH and I have 4 children, eldest turns 12 the following week so they’ll be 6, 8, 10 and about to be 12.

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

I’m currently holding out. Either I can be there and all 6 of us go up, or I can’t and DH flies up with 1 child. His family is refusing to outright say that I’m unreasonable and that I’m spoiling the party by insisting that these are the only 2 options on the table, but it’s clear from what communication there has been that they think I should be happy for DH to take all 4 kids and for me to ‘enjoy the peace’.

Further info: DH and I are not particularly close at the moment though neither of us intends to seperate - we both have reasons to stay together that are good, not great, involve children/are nothing to do with kids. FIL has never really liked me/approved of me and likes to tell my children things to undermine me whenever he’s alone with them. If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating. I don’t want this, and especially want if possible to avoid causing undue anxiety for my children about the shape of our family changing.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I’m not. I can’t tell anymore so am asking for thoughts.

OP posts:
RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:01

Clearly, but you're being offensive to more than just the OP, so I fail to see why it shouldn't be said by anyone who cares to?

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:02

It would be surmountable.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:02

as you wish

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:02

am putting my advice to op

But you aren't. What is your advice for how she can use a bathroom at this party that you think she could go to if she liked them more? Go on, we'd love to hear your advice.

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:03

It would be surmountable

so you keep saying, but not HOW it is surmountable.

Funny that.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:03

this is not your issue repeal, calm down

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 16:03

I think in that case, then you can't go. So options are DH goes alone, DH goes with the DCs, DH doesn't go. Him going with only 1 of the DGC will look like you are being petty and stopping them seeing all the DGC, or that DH is a fuckwit who can't cope with all of his own DCs at the same time.

him going with just 1 DC makes no sense and I can see why FIL is pissed off, it looks petty. I would go with DH going alone or not at all. They've not bothered with an accessable location for his family, they cant expect him to bring his family.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/04/2018 16:03

but you would try and overcome.

If only every disabled person just tried their hardest to overcome their pesky disabilities then everything would be fine. Those bloody disabled people with their bloody disabilities getting in the way of everything! I'm with you @Slartybartfast - they just aren't trying hard enough. Come on OP, get up off your wheelchair and walk!

Lemontart25 · 07/04/2018 16:04

I honestly don't understand the separating of the poor children in all this. You havr been together for a very long time & it is a shame & quiet wrong of your family to minimise your disability & choose places that are difficult for you to attend.

However I feel yabu to pick & choose between which children get to go to a fun family party. Seems pretty sad given their young ages to be left out.

You won't be there if one child goes or 2,3,4. So the people that would notice will still comment anyway. And if you & your husband have made this joint decision to "make do" with your relationship for now what do you have to worry about in other people's concerns?

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:06

ah, spoiling for a fight?
take it elsewhere, go outside

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:07

some posters are being very silly, as per usual

Yes, you. And offensive.

Now, could you either tell us how someone in wheelchair can attend a party with no accessible toilets, or could you apologise for suggesting they can if they just tried a bit harder?
Either one will be fine.

holeinmyheart · 07/04/2018 16:08

I don't think any of the OPs family should be dictating terms to each other.
The fact is that the OP could go if she was on good terms with her husband's family and was able to ring them up and discuss it. They would surely all help her to get in and out of homes and up steps? They can't all be heartless bastards.
If it was her Fathers 70th birthday, how much effort would she make to please her family? It's called give and take. I disliked going to my inlaws but I went because my DH loved them and they loved him. I don't think they are excluding her, she is excluding herself.
That's issue one.
Issue two is,
I understand that the OP would prefer ( what would be) a fictional separation not to be discussed by her DH's family.
However, my husband and children went to stay many times with his family without me. I was glad for him as I didn't much care for his Mother. No one ever thought we were breaking up. Who cares anyway what they think, as the OP knows the truth?
There is history here as why would his family think such a thing ?

So, yes I do think the OP is being unreasonable. IMO I think if it was her family party/ reunion she wouldn't be making things so difficult.
I just think from her post that she doesn't want to go and is making excuses as to why not.
Fair enough.

catinapoolofsunshine · 07/04/2018 16:08

slarty it does really seem to you being a bit silly if you think going to a party at a venue where you are the only person can't go to the toilet would be surmountable if you liked the hosts.

Also if you don't think the duty to like and compromise for your relatives goes both ways.

NorthEndGal · 07/04/2018 16:09

You've got a whole bag of problems, one of which is accessibility.
Clearly, public spaces need to be much more accommodating, and those without mobility issues need to be more cognizant of the barriers faced everyday by those with mobility issues.
Disability can happen to anyone, at any stage of their life, no matter how well you live your life.

Problem 2, you focus more on how your family appears to others than you should. Focus on how to help heal , as individuals and as a redesigned family. It doesn't matter a fig what anyone else thinks or feels or opines , they aren't living your life.
Don't make your choices based on how it would appear to someone else.

Problem 3, using one or 2 kids , to make a point. How do you decide which is the token happy child , sent to represent you? How is this going to be remembered by the kids that didnt get picked to go, when they are old enough to understand?
Don't play kids off each other.

OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 16:10

All of my children have a disability.

If we were invited to a party that wasn't accessible for any one of them, none of us would go.

Your parents in law know you have a disability and have chosen a venue that isn't suitable for you: that's really unpleasant of them.

I'm surprised that your husband thinks this is ok, and wants to go.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:11

no, of course not, it is the silly argumentative posters who deliberately miss my point

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:12

no, of course not, it is the silly argumentative posters who deliberately miss my point

No, we got your point. Could you maybe answer my question?
Wheelchair, no accessible toilet. How is this surmountable by liking the hosts of the party?

Sarsparella · 07/04/2018 16:14

Are you 100% sure this community centre has no accessible toilet? If you’re in the UK, unless it’s a very old building that can’t be converted for some reason I thought accessibility was a legal requirement?

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 16:14

Basically OP, it's all of your DCs or none of your DCs. Your DH going or not is a different issue. But don't send some but not all of your DCs, unless you are trying to use your DCs to cause upset - which is a shitty thing to do.

Your PIL did a shitty thing, booking an unaccessable venue when they have a disabled family member. You would be doing a shitty thing by sending some but not all of your DCs.

gillybeanz · 07/04/2018 16:15

I would usually say it's all of us or none of us, but if I had the kind of relationship you have with your husband and ils I'd send them off without me and be happy for the peace and quiet tbh.
Would you enjoy yourself? I know that I'd rather be at home than with extended family who didn't want me there.

Quartz2208 · 07/04/2018 16:21

An i right in suspecting that the wheelchair is a relatively new thing and your health has taken a downward turn and your DH is in denial about how bad it is/things you will magically get better, as such as failed to really hammer home the need for it to be accessible to you

holeinmyheart · 07/04/2018 16:23

I thought Community Centres and venues open to the public in the UK by law, had to have a accessible toilet. Our Community Centre, which is in a tiny village has one.
Those who are on here who actually know ...disabuse us.
Is the Party in the U.K.?

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:26

How about we just believe the OP knows what she is talking about. There is no reason OP should be in the UK anyway.

tenterden · 07/04/2018 16:28

I am still not really sure why one child would go Confused

OP I strongly suggest DH goes on his own. Surely if things are shitty between you it will be nice if he fucks off for a few days?